Two Kids Without Their Jackets
by my-other-ride-is-your-mum
Summary: "Santana knows she's the wrong type. She's known it for as long as she can remember because that's what she's been told her whole life. But the thing Santana knows most of all is that she's never going to get out of this town." AU high school Brittana - Santana has a troubled past and believes she'll never get out of Lima, that is until the new girl catches her eye. Angsty romance.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So hi there. I usually write Naomily Skins fics and this is my first trip outside that. I'm not a massive fan of Glee and I generally agree with the complaints that it's sexist and heterosexist and inconsistent...but Naya Rivera is super hot and talented...so...yeah. This whole thing came about because my neighbours are crazy and were keeping me up at night and I had an idea and went with it. It was really just for me and a lot of it was written after a couple of glasses of wine and you can see the lazy writing a mile off...I wasn't going to post it but then thought what the hell...someone might like it.**

**This is totally AU and some of you will probably hate me for messing with your favourite characters so...sorry 'bout that. It's really just for Santana and Brittany fans I guess. I don't know much about this fandom other than that it's pretty fierce, so I hope this is okay.**

**Also, just as a disclaimer I want to say that there are some homophobic and racist and completely politically incorrect things said in this story which are views I totally disagree with, but I felt they worked for the story and the style of it. I don't mean to cause offence and I hope I don't...mostly they're meant to be funny in a Santana bitchy kind of way.**

**This is about half done...I was going to wait until it was finished to post it but fuck it, I've had some wine tonight and I feel like posting it...the rest will be up as soon as I write it.**

**I'll shut up now...hope you like it!**

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Santana Lopez has always been clever but she's learned a few things in her seventeen years.

Like she knows that if she jumps the fence and cuts across the park on George Street and down the side of that old lady's house on Walker Street she can hang out at Puck's another fifteen minutes and not be late for work. She knows she can't be late for work anymore otherwise that closet case Mr Berry will fire her ass.

She knows that she can bribe her annoying eight year old cousin Anita into keeping her secrets with a block of chocolate.

She knows that that fat cop Tanaka is always waiting on Oak Drive to bust her and Puck and sometimes Tina and Mike and Mercedes for skipping school because there's a Donut shop there. They always avoid Oak Drive.

She knows that she likes girls. She knows that that's not _normal_ in Lima, Ohio. She knows her aunt knows and doesn't like it and prays for her in church but as long as Santana keeps it out of her face she doesn't say anything.

She knows without a doubt that Puck will always have her back and she will always have his.

But one of the most important things Santana has learned is her place in the world. Her place in this shitty town. She knows that there are two types of people in Lima. The right type and the wrong type. The right type live in the sprawling houses along the lake and drive luxury cars and send their kids to the private school on the hill. The wrong type live in the cramped apartment blocks or narrow houses across town in Lima Heights and work in menial jobs like her aunt and most don't care if their kids even go to school. The wrong type never get out of this town unless it's to prison, like Puck's dad.

Santana knows she's the wrong type. She's known it for as long as she can remember because that's what she's been told her whole life. That's what people love to remind her about.

But the thing Santana knows most of all is that she's never going to get out of this town.

-x-

Santana Lopez learned only a year ago how to tell when a girl is looking at her in a certain way that means _I want to see you naked_ and not, _I just like your t-shirt_. It had been a tough lesson, more than a few awkward situations with unsuspecting straight girls, but now she could spot it a mile off. Like the way the smokin' hot blonde girl sitting with her family in the corner booth is practically eye fucking her right now.

Santana slips her hands into the back pockets of her black skinny jeans and leans back, resting against the edge of the counter. She knows that when she stands like this the fabric of her already tight work shirt pulls even tighter and her boobs look fucking fantastic. The blonde's gaze once again slides across to her and Santana holds it, stares right back and smirks playfully. The blonde gives her a small smile and then looks away, an obvious blush colouring her cheeks. Santana smiles proudly to herself. She knows how to play this game with girls. Long before she ever admitted out loud to liking them she'd watched Puck and her older cousin Ricky work their magic and flirt with girls. She knew the push and pull and how to never give too much. Giving too much has never been one of Santana's problems.

"Lopez. Table four is up."

The brunette sighs and pushes herself away from the counter, turning and picking up the two plates. On her way over to the table she glances at the clock on the far wall and winces. Another two hours until her shift is over at five, and she still has her English assignment to finish for tomorrow morning. She knows she should've written it yesterday afternoon, especially since Puck had dragged her to a party on the edge of town last night and she'd only gotten home this morning, managing to get a solid 20 minutes of sleep before she had to come into work. She did get to second base with that cute redhead though, so it was kind of worth it. But still, school is only just back and she's already behind and on her way to fucking up her senior year. Not that it matters all that much really. It's not like her grades are going to count toward anything.

She leaves the meals with the two drunk businessmen at table four, both of them leering at her boobs when she leans to put their plates down, and she just fucking knows that they're staring at her ass as she walks away. She tenses her fists, filled with blazing anger that only grows when she acknowledges that she can't do anything about it. Every shift she has to let the assholes leer and make suggestive comments and pinch her ass. She needs this job.

Back at the counter again, Santana takes a few deep breaths and calms down. Decides that flirting with the hot blonde will help waste the hours away, but when she looks back over there the girl and her family are gone, leaving Santana with nothing pretty to look at. Well, Kurt would argue with that. She rolls her eyes and curses her shitty fucking life, slides her phone out of her pocket and covertly checks her messages under the counter. One text from Puck begging her to tell him about the redhead from last night, (Santana never gives him details and delights in teasing him), and asking if she wants to hang out tonight. And one from her aunt, asking her to stop by the store to get a few things after she picks up Anita from dance class.

_Fuck this_, Santana almost says out loud.

"Better put that away," a familiar high-pitched voice practically sings over her shoulder, "if Mr Berry sees you with that he'll definitely fire your ass this time."

Santana huffs, slips her phone into her jeans and turns. "Thanks for the pep talk Princess."

Kurt grins and bats his eyelids. "It's understandable for you to be bitter. I am prettier than you after all."

Santana smiles and points to her chest. "Yeah, but you don't have this rack."

"No, and you can keep that," Kurt answers, scrunching his face in disgust.

They share a smile and Santana hates the fact that she doesn't hate Kurt as much as she likes to pretend she does. She wants to hate him for queening out in Lima Heights and for not keeping his voice five notches lower and for wearing his clothes so fucking tight. She wants to hate him for not trying so desperately to fly under the radar like she does and for making her feel some weird sense of protectiveness over the kid whenever Karofsky is around looking for a fight. She wants to hate him for having such a fucking supporting father when her aunt looks at her with barely disguised contempt. But she doesn't hate him. Kurt makes her laugh and the time at this shithole pass quicker. And his knowledge of beauty products and hair and skin care comes in handy sometimes. So he's alright. Not that she'll ever tell him that.

"Well, better get back to it." he tips his head and smiles. "And try not to scowl so much Santana, I need the tips. Plus, you're already getting wrinkles."

-x-

When Santana rounds the corner of the gym that her cousin's dance school is in it's nearing 5.30pm and last night's drinking and lack of sleep have well and truly caught up with her. She feels like shit. Her head is thumping and she's hot and sticky. She's changed out of her work shirt but her t-shirt is sticking to her back, and the relentless sun isn't fucking helping. She just wants to go home and take a shower, not run errands for her aunt and pick up her cousin who is sure to talk and sing all the way home and make her headache worse.

She throws the door open and rushes through, too tired to be bothered about possibly making a commotion, but when she walks inside and pulls off her sunglasses she realises that Anita isn't there. She isn't waiting inside the door with her stupid Barbie backpack like she always is and no one else seems to be around.

"Anita?"

Santana hears nothing in response.

Panic instantly grips her, her heart stuttering and then beating rapidly. Santana knows all too well what it's like in her neighbourhood, growing up she's seen and heard some things no child should ever have to, and she knows that Anita knows better than to go wandering around. But sometimes her silly cousin sees something shiny or a cat and decides to follow it and one day she's going to get herself into trouble. Santana silently prays that that's not today. The brunette glances around and decides to check the other rooms and halls first, and it's not until she's hastily pushing through another door that she hears the faint sound of music coming from further down the hall.

The closer she gets the louder the music does, and she recognises the song. Some rapper she forgets the name of that Puck blasts in his car. As she's about to pull open the door Santana glances through the window in it and has to do a double take because _fuck_, there's a girl about her age inside dancing like a maniac to the beat of the music and Santana is instantly mesmerised. For a second she forgets about trying to find Anita and the way her heart is thumping with adrenaline and that a moment ago she was picturing her young cousin in all kinds of horrific situations. She watches the way the girl's long and strong body moves, the way her muscles stretch and contract and the absolute control she possesses over them. And Santana can see most of them, the girl dressed only in some very short black shorts and a tight white singlet. Santana has never seen anything like her. _Graceful_ is the only coherent thought in her mind, and it's so out of place in Santana's world that she doesn't even know what to think.

But then she hears clapping. It pulls her out of her daze and she realises that it's coming from inside the room and that the music has stopped. She angles her head to get a better look and finds Anita sitting on the floor next to her bag, an excited and awed grin on her chubby little face that Santana just has the urge to smack. That grin pisses her off beyond measure because Anita should know better and being terrified that something happened to her is just another fucking thing that Santana has to deal with today.

She huffs and pushes through the door, that surge of anger that's never far away coursing through her as she marches over to her cousin who stands nervously when she sees her coming.

"Anita Maria Lopez, why isn't your butt out there waiting for me to pick you up? I told you to wait there _every_ _time_ I pick you up."

She stands with her hands on her hips and scowls, a small part of her delighted when she sees the smile drop from her cousin's face and fear take over.

"Oh, that's my fault. I saw her waiting outside and asked if she wanted to come in here and wait with me."

Santana blinks. Drops her hands to her sides and turns to the girl. In her anger she'd forgotten that she was even there.

A warm smile and sparkling blue eyes shine back at her and Santana feels her anger slowly fading away, replaced by an altogether confusing feeling. Who the fuck is this girl? She looks so innocent and sincere and sweet that Santana doesn't know what to say in response. Usually she would tell the girl to mind her own fucking business and leave her cousin alone and throw in some creative insults, but all her usual snarky comments desert her because for some fucked up reason she can't imagine insulting this girl she's just met. She blames it on being tired and hungover.

So instead she just stares, becoming aware that the scowl is still on her face when she sees the blonde frown.

"Sorry," the girl offers softly, looking down at her feet.

Santana can't explain it but she feels bad and that in turn pisses her off because she never feels bad. But she feels like she shouldn't have upset this girl. Wants to fix it. So she relaxes her shoulders, slipping her hands into her pockets and shrugging.

"Whatever. It's fine. Do you teach here or something?"

Before she even asks Santana knows the answer is no. Knows that none of the dance teachers in Lima Heights look like this girl. Nobody around here looks like this girl.

The blonde lifts her head, a smile returning and her eyes lighting up again. It sparks something in the brunette that she tries to ignore.

"Oh no. I just dance here. I know the Changs."

"You know Mike?"

"Yeah. He's an awesome dancer."

Santana nods her head. She knows Mike has crazy skills, the best dancer at their school. His parents run the dance school.

"Wait. You go to Lima Heights? I haven't seen you around."

The blonde shakes her head. "I just started this year at McKinley Prep."

Santana narrows her eyes. Thinks that maybe that's what threw her off when she first saw the girl - just how much the blonde doesn't belong here. She could see it as soon as she laid eyes on her. She isn't one of the Lima losers.

"You go to McKinley but you come all the way down to Lima Heights to use this shitty gym?"

The girl's eyes flick down alarmingly to Anita when Santana curses and the brunette wants to laugh. If she only knew half of the things that kid's heard, and seen for that matter.

The blonde fidgets with her own fingers absentmindedly and Santana can't help but imagine ways those fingers could be put to better use. Mentally slaps herself for thinking so much like Puck.

"I just moved to Lima and don't know much about the place but Mike said I could dance here. Sometimes we dance together."

Santana eyes the blonde and scoffs. This girl is seriously hot and she knows exactly why Mike offered the gym. She almost wants to high five him for it, and if it were another girl she might when she sees him at school tomorrow, but this girl is looking her right in the eye and smiling at her like she's not scared or wary at all and hasn't heard the stories about her or this neighbourhood and it's making Santana feel all kinds of confusing things. Like she doesn't want this girl to get into trouble here.

"Yeah well, welcome to the neighbourhood. Friendly tip; you should be careful around here and lock doors. A girl like you is likely to get mugged...or worse."

The girl frowns. "Wait, what? You're joking right?"

"Does it look like I'm joking?"

Santana quirks an eyebrow out of habit and the girl looks a little worried. The brunette wants to reassure her but before she can she feels a tug on her arm.

"Ahem."

The brunette glares down at her cousin. "What, midget? Grownups are talking."

"We need to go home so I can feed my sea monkeys. It's their dinnertime."

"Oooh! I used to have sea monkeys," the blonde says excitedly. "I love those things."

Santana squints at the blonde. She doesn't know what to make of this girl who dances like a goddess and has a banging body and gets excited by sea monkeys.

"You should come over and see mine some day," Anita offers.

"Sure, that would be great."

Santana glances quickly between her cousin and the blonde, not sure exactly what's happening or how Anita has so easily talked the girl into agreeing to come to their house some time. It's been a weird day and it's time for her to go home.

"Grab your bag," she tells her cousin before looking back to the blonde. "And uh, thanks for waiting with her."

Santana doesn't know how she went from being pissed off to thanking the girl, but the blonde's smile is just fucking beaming so at the moment she doesn't really care.

"It was fun," the girl replies. "I like having an audience too." She turns her attention to Anita. "Thanks for keeping me company, little miss. You're a great dancer. I'll see you again soon hopefully."

Santana rolls her eyes at the way Anita is smiling goofily, so obviously delighted at the attention and praise.

"You too," the girl adds, and Santana glances up to find the blonde smiling at her in the completely unguarded way she has this whole time. The way that leaves the brunette unsure of exactly what to think and say. "My name is Brittany by the way."

Santana wants to laugh because _of course_ this girl's name is Brittany. It had to be Brittany or Courtney or Tiffany or any of those pretty rich white girl names. A world away from her own name.

"Santana," she offers confidently, her chin tilting up out of habit. She learned long ago that if you can't say your own name with strength then you'll never get anywhere.

"Santana," Brittany echoes. "That's pretty."

The brunette shrugs. "I'm pretty sure my parents wanted to call me Satan but the nurses refused to write it."

Brittany doesn't laugh, just looks at her with a confused frown.

"Why would your parents want to call you that?"

Santana stares at the girl, not sure how to even go about answering that. Decides it's best not to even try. Shrugs it off. "Silly joke." She turns to her cousin who has only grown more impatient. "Let's go midget."

Brittany waves at Anita and has that carefree smile back on her face. "Bye bye. See you next time."

Anita waves excitedly and Santana nods her head, which slowly turns into a shake as they walk out of the gym. She has no idea why or what or how, but there's _something_ about that blonde.

-x-

That night, despite complete mental and physical exhaustion draining her body of the desire to do anything but sleep, Santana finds herself staring at the cracks in the ceiling thinking about a certain blonde girl, driving herself half crazy because she's not sure why she even cares.

Sure, Brittany is hot. But so was that redhead at the party last night. And that brunette the week before. And the blonde the weekend before that. There are a lot of good looking girls in Lima, and just Santana's type too. That farm-girl-next-door-innocent-but-not-really thing that a lot of them have going on. Brittany seems to have it too, but it's more than that. She seems nice and not at all stuck up like half the dicks at McKinley. The blonde didn't look at Santana like she was a piece of trash, not like that Rachel fucking Berry who always looks like she's smelled something bad with that enormous beak of hers. Brittany just seems nice and genuine and friendly and that's rare in Lima. And yeah, she's probably the hottest girl Santana has ever laid eyes on.

Santana finds herself looking forward to the next time she has to pick up her cousin from dance class.

-x-

The next day at school, Santana catches up with Mike during lunch. He's sitting with his arm around Tina, and the brunette vaguely remembers something about them hooking up at a party the other week. She didn't know that they were a _thing_ now, but it seems like they might be. She likes this new development and sees much opportunity for her to give them shit about it. She also feels the _slightest_ twinge of relief that maybe Mike isn't actually after Brittany. Santana likes Mike. Everyone likes Mike. She doesn't mind Tina. They're what she would call friends if she had friends. Friends other than Puck that is. Although he's more like a brother really.

"Yo Chang."

Both Asians glance up at her.

"Boy Chang," she clarifies.

Tina grimaces at her lack of tact. "Always such a charmer, Santana."

"It's how I get all the girls," she smirks.

Mike grins, unfazed. "What's up Lopez?"

"You know some girl who goes to McKinley named Brittany?"

Santana knows she shouldn't even be asking. She doesn't like people knowing her business, and showing any interest in this strange girl is revealing more than she'd like to, but she wants to hear what Mike knows about her. She wants to know where Brittany came from and what she likes and whether she's straight or not and if she's single. The last two things don't really matter so much, the brunette has a pretty solid track record of overcoming those obstacles, but she just wants to know everything she can about the girl.

Her eyes flick over to Tina and Santana is somewhat pleased with herself when she sees a flash of jealously in the girl's face at the mention of another girl's name. They may be the closest thing she has to friends but Santana can't help fucking with them whenever she can.

But Mike just shrugs, always unfazed by everything. Santana's pretty sure a bomb could go off and Mike would be all cool and collected about it. In fact, the last time there'd been a knife fight at the school, Mike had helped to break it up. Nothing seems to get to him.

"Sure," he replies. "She's probably the best dancer I've ever seen. She just moved here with her family. How do you know her?"

"She was at the gym when I picked up Anita yesterday," Santana answers casually, like she's not dying to hear everything he knows about the girl. "She mentioned that she knows you."

Mike just nods. "Yeah, she's cool."

Santana waits for more but when it becomes clear that if she wants it she's going to have to ask, she rolls her eyes. Santana Lopez doesn't ask for things, and Mike thinking the girl is cool doesn't mean all that much because he thinks everyone is cool.

But it's too late, and Tina must have noticed something in her expression because she's smirking and asking Santana why she even cares.

"I thought Santana Lopez _doesn't chase girls_?" Tina says mockingly, parroting a douchey comment Santana had made a couple of weeks ago when she was drunk, "_I don't need to chase girls because they always come to me". _It was mostly true, but still, even the brunette knew it was a douche thing to say. They'd loved to tease her about it since. But Santana Lopez doesn't take that shit.

"Pipe down Memoirs of a Geisha. I just wanted to know what kind of creeper is hanging around my little cousin. If Mike says she's cool then she's cool."

"I'm not even Japanese," Tina frowns.

"Whatup losers."

Santana rolls her eyes. "Speaking of creepers."

Puck leans around her quickly and kisses her on the cheek, catching her by surprise and darting out of the way before she can slap him. Not that it stops her trying.

She wipes at her cheek with her sleeve as the Changs laugh.

"Fucking hell Puckerman. You've probably just given me an STD."

"Don't say I never give you anything."

Puck takes a seat across from Mike and Tina and opens a Red Bull, slamming all of it down in one go. Santana watches the display with obvious disgust.

"You're a caveman."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Puck replies with his mouth now full of pizza.

"You would."

"Got to keep my strength up," he continues, mouth still full of what used to be pizza. "Between football practice and Quinn and work I'm a fucking zombie. Can't keep my eyes open in class."

"Not that it would make a difference to your grades," Santana adds, but her friends are used to ignoring her snarky comments.

"So you and Quinn are still a thing?"

Santana wants to punch Tina for asking that question because now she has to sit here and listen to Puck talk about Quinn Fabray which is as close to verbal masturbation as you can get. It's sickening, watching her tough as shit best friend turn into some kind of bambi-eyed love struck doofus. The brunette hates Fabray a lot less than she used to, mostly because they share a common enemy now and because she's been trying to play nice since Puck asked her to, but the blonde is still a stuck up bitch from McKinley. She might not be a cheerleader anymore but that doesn't change who she is and where she comes from. Her parents are still country club churchy assholes which means that Quinn isn't that far behind. Most of all though, Santana knows that her oldest friend is going to get his heart broken one day soon, and she hates the thought of it. That's if he doesn't get his face broken by Mr Fabray first when he finds out Puck's dating his daughter. Girls like Quinn Fabray do not marry boys like Noah Puckerman.

While Puck moons over his girl Santana lets her mind drift, thinks about the homework she needs to do and planning what to make for dinner since it's her night to cook, only coming back to the conversation when she notices Mike and Tina standing.

"We'll see you guys later," Mike says with that smile of his, tipping an imaginary hat.

He grabs Tina's hand and Santana wants to make a joke about how the two of them being together is incest but they look so fucking cute together that she holds it in. Settles for _"later Asians"_ instead.

"Wanna hang out tonight?" Puck asks her as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. "My brother just got back and he gave me some choice weed."

"Can't. Shit ton of homework and I need to make dinner and clean up. Ricky's probably made more of a fucking mess than that kid of his."

"I can't believe your cousin has a kid. He's only like two years older than us. We used to hang out."

"Oh please, think of all the kids you could've had by now."

"I'd really rather not," Puck winces. "I thought they were moving out anyways?"

"One more week."

Santana can't hide the desperation in her voice. It's been two months now since her cousin Ricky's girlfriend Teresa gave birth, two months living with that tiny little demon who cries, shits and eats constantly. She can't wait for them to be gone, not least because she'll be able to move into Ricky's room and stop having to share with Anita. She'll finally have some peace at home. Some place that is just hers.

"Tomorrow night then?" Puck lifts his brow hopefully.

Santana shakes her head. "Work."

"Goddamn Lopez, has anyone told you that your life sucks?"

Puck says it with a smirk, it's something they've said to each other since they were young, but something about today makes it weigh a little heavier on the brunette's shoulders.

"Not today."

-x-

Santana has mostly forgotten about the blonde by the time she needs to pick up Anita from dance class again later that week. Well, she hasn't forgotten about her, it's more that whatever magic she worked on Santana when they met seems to have worn off. That pretty girl she made out with at the bowling alley on Friday night didn't hurt either. She's put her momentary Brittany craze down to exhaustion anyway. She's Santana fucking Lopez and she doesn't lose her shit over any girl.

So when she ambles up the steps of the gym and doesn't find her cousin sitting there she doesn't panic, just keeps walking in the direction of the music, stopping outside the door to peak through the window again.

Brittany is dancing, this time to something slower, still wearing barely any clothing. Her body is rolling and bending and moving in ways that Santana didn't even know were possible. It's hypnotic, watching the blonde dance, and it's not until the music stops and Brittany follows that Santana remembers how to move her legs.

When she walks into the room, Brittany has pulled Anita up and they are twirling around together.

"Santana, hey," Brittany greets her breathlessly as soon as she spots the brunette walking over to them. The girl is grinning like she's happy to see her and it makes Santana smile like an idiot because she's not used to anyone being this happy to see her, let alone someone she barely knows.

"Hey Brittany." She turns to her cousin. "Oompa Loompa."

"Mama said you're not allowed to call me that anymore! I'm going to tell her when we get home."

Santana opens her mouth to argue back but Brittany speaks first.

"It's not nice to call your sister names," she admonishes the brunette lightly, smiling down at Anita.

"She's not my sister," the little girl counters, crossing her arms defiantly. "She's my cousin but she lives with us because–"

Santana moves to stand behind Anita quickly, holding her by the shoulders and applying just a bit too much pressure, enough to get the girl to shut up. She doesn't need Brittany to know anything about her family because if she does she'll stop looking at her the way she does now and start looking at her the way everyone else does. Like a waste of space.

"I think that's enough from you," she says lightly, even though her heart is in her throat and Brittany is looking at her curiously. She can tell that the blonde wants to know more but Santana's not going to be giving the Lopez family history today. A girl like Brittany doesn't need to know that stuff.

"So is that where you work or something?" Brittany asks, pointing to the embroidered logo on her shirt.

She'd crashed at Puck's last night and had been running late for work again this morning, ducking home quickly to get changed and in her rush had forgotten to bring a shirt to change into afterwards.

"Yup. I live to serve overpriced food and drinks to privileged white people. It's my calling."

Brittany giggles and Santana feels outrageously proud of the fact that she just did that. She just made Brittany laugh.

"Sounds like a very noble cause."

"What can I say, I'm a real humanitarian."

The two share a smile. It's easy, talking to Brittany. The girl doesn't make her feel judged or out of place or just plain wrong for existing. Santana's still not sure if the blonde is interested in her or just friendly, but she likes being around her and doesn't want to not be just yet.

Unfortunately her little shit of a cousin has other ideas.

"Come on 'Tana," Anita says as she pulls on her arm.

Santana rolls her eyes and smirks at Brittany. "Right, the sea monkeys."

Brittany laughs and the three of them say their goodbyes, but this time Brittany winks at her. It's silly and normally Santana would find it kind of wanky and lame, but a little thrill shoots up her spine when the blonde does it. This girl is like no one she's ever met before and for one of the very few times in her life, Santana finds herself being excited about something.

-x-

The next time she sees Brittany it's just a few days later and so completely unexpected and throws her so much that Santana almost wants to run away and hide. But she can't do that because Puck will wonder why she's lost her mind and ask questions. Plus, running away is for little bitches.

Her and Puck are sitting on the stoop outside his apartment building, the same one she grew up in, just down the hall from him. She should hate it here and she kind of does, but it's also home in a really fucked up way. The only home she's ever really known, so she doesn't mind hanging out here with Puck. Sometimes she can pretend that they are still kids and nothing in the world can touch them, although now they pretty much just sit there and talk shit while Puck gets high and sometimes Santana does too. Not tonight, thankfully.

When she sees Brittany walking towards them, long blonde hair falling over her shoulders and a slightly confused smile on her face, Santana feels her whole body tense. Brittany being here doesn't feel right. Santana wonders what she's even doing here. It's after 9pm and dark and Brittany really shouldn't be walking around this neighbourhood alone.

"Santana?" the blonde asks, coming to stand in front of them.

She's got that excited smile on her face again now and Santana's stomach does this annoying little flip thing when she thinks that maybe that smile is for her.

The brunette sees Puck's head swing around and fuck, she didn't want them to meet like this. She didn't want them to meet at all, but especially not when Puck is high and likely to say something stupid and embarrass her. Though really, he's likely to do that completely sober.

"Hey Brittany," she says as she stands, wiping the dirt from the stoop off her hands and then slipping them into her jeans. It's a mild night and she's only wearing a t-shirt, though she could really do with a jacket now.

"Briiiittanyyyy," Puck sounds out slowly and Santana winces. "Brittany...is hot."

The blonde blushes instantly, a nervous smile gracing her lips. A flash of jealousy flares in Santana when she watches the interaction and at the thought that maybe Brittany is attracted to Puck. Santana doesn't understand it, but she's been told that girls think Puck is hot. Kurt thinks so too, not that he's ever admitted it but Santana can tell. Quinn Fabray is just another in a long line of girls that she's seen draped off of her best friend. She really hopes Brittany doesn't like him.

Santana kicks Puck a little too hard in the side then looks apologetically at the blonde.

"This is Puck and he's inappropriate. Ignore everything he ever says. _Ever_."

Santana knows Puck well enough that she doesn't even need to look at him to know that he's going to argue back, so she kicks him again to shut him up. It works, and she hears him swear under his breath while she watches Brittany's smile relax.

"What are you doing around here?" the brunette asks, her eyes quickly roaming over the girl in front of her. It's hard not to stare when Brittany is dressed in black leggings that cling to her impossibly long legs and a sweater that somehow seems to be simultaneously loose and tight. Tight in all the right places at least. But even with the lustful thoughts clouding her brain, Santana knows that Brittany shouldn't be in this neighbourhood alone at night, let alone wearing that.

Brittany frowns. "I can't find my car. I parked it near the gym but I was in a rush and didn't take notice of where and I got carried away dancing and didn't realise it was dark out. Now I can't remember where I parked it and I started walking and I think I'm lost."

"It's probably been jacked," Puck says from below them, and Santana kicks him again when she sees the panic flash across the blonde's face, even though that had been her first thought too. If Brittany goes to McKinley then her family has money and she no doubt drives a nice car and they are like a magnet around here. Hell, Puck has stolen cars from these streets before and if he hadn't been with her the whole night she would have suspected him.

"I'll help you find it," Santana offers, feeling like a hero when Brittany smiles at her with gratitude and relief, even though she really hasn't done anything yet.

She turns to Puck. "Can I borrow your hoodie? I'll bring it to school tomorrow."

It's gotten too cool for just her t-shirt, especially if she's going to be traipsing around the streets looking for the car. She really hopes it hasn't been stolen.

Puck nods easily and slips it off a little clumsily, handing it over with a mocking, "anything for you princess."

The brunette just rolls her eyes and slips on the jacket, used to his teasing. "I'll see you tomorrow. Tell your mum I'll come by on Thursday."

Puck's mum has been the closest thing Santana has had to a mum in years so she usually has dinner over there at least one night a week. She knows the woman is busy working hard and taking care of her family and the fact that she even gives a shit about Santana means a lot to her. Plus, she's the only parent of anyone Santana knows who doesn't think she's a bad influence. Mostly because Puck is worse and his mum knows it.

Puck nods and then turns his attention to Brittany, who is in turn watching their interaction with interest.

"See you round Brittany. I hope your car is still in one piece."

Santana kicks him again for good measure, turns back to the blonde. "Ignore him."

Brittany nods her head and looks like she's trying very hard not to say something, and Santana supposes that it's her good breeding that demands that she reciprocate Puck's goodbye. The brunette is glad that she doesn't, and she steps off the stoop and onto the sidewalk next to the girl.

"What, no goodbye kiss?" Puck teases, and normally Santana would go back up there and slap him for being such a dick, but the brunette doesn't want Brittany to see that, so she just shakes her head and begins walking with her.

"I'm sorry about Puck," she offers as they start walking back to the gym. She realises that she's just apologised to the blonde and it's strange that it comes so easily because Santana Lopez doesn't apologise to anyone. Even when she knows she's at fault. But there's something about this girl that makes her stupid.

"I'm sure your car is fine," she tries to reassure her when Brittany doesn't say anything.

Brittany nods, worries her bottom lip between her teeth. "Is Puck your boyfriend?"

Santana almost chokes on the laugh that erupts from her chest. With her and Puck growing up in each other's pockets it's not the first time someone has asked her that, but it always seems so preposterous to her. He's like her brother, and she tells Brittany as much.

"Oh okay," the blonde mutters sheepishly, and Santana can't help but feel like she's embarrassed the girl or something. She wants to make it better so she just keeps talking.

"We've been friends since we were kids," she continues, not sure where she's going with it but her mouth just seems to be running. "We live near each other."

"Do you live around here?"

Santana watches Brittany glance around the streets and notices the way her hand is holding tightly to the bag slung from her shoulder and even though the brunette knows this part of Lima Heights is bad news she can't help but get her back up at this outsider judging this place. _Her_ place. Feels like she's being judged too and she fucking hates it. _This_ is why she doesn't like Brittany being here.

"Yup," is all she offers in response.

There's an edge in her voice, but Brittany doesn't seem to notice it. She doesn't tell Brittany that her aunt's tiny house not far from here is barely bigger than the apartment she grew up in and filled with more people so maybe it's worse. Although she doesn't have to hide under her bed or hear things through the walls anymore.

"I like the buildings around here," the blonde says casually but sincerely, surprising Santana and making her think that maybe Brittany wasn't actually judging the place at all. "I think that's how I got lost, I was too busy looking at the buildings."

Santana can't help but stare at Brittany a little dumbfounded. She just can't work this girl out.

"I play this game where I like to make up stories about the people who live in the buildings," the blonde continues. "Apartment buildings are better because there are more people so it's more interesting."

Santana's first thought is that someone like Brittany who lives in the world that she does can't possibly imagine the shitty lives of the people in these buildings. But the thought that follows is that here is this beautiful and talented girl walking through her scary neighbourhood and not judging Santana for belonging there. She has no idea what goes on in this girl's head but all she knows is that she likes it.

"You probably think it's stupid," Brittany mutters, shaking her head like she's silently berating herself.

And if it were anyone else Santana would think it was stupid. If Tina or Mercedes or Kurt ever said anything like that she would never let them forget it and probably use it to try to make them cry. But with Brittany, the girl who twirls and loves sea monkeys and isn't afraid of shadows because she probably doesn't know what bad things hide in them, it kind of makes perfect sense.

"I don't think it's stupid."

She says it with all the sincerity she can muster and watches until Brittany looks back at her, then gives the blonde her most reassuring smile.

"Thanks," Brittany says shyly and bumps her hip into Santana's with a giggle. It's so childish and silly but Santana can't help but giggle too. She can't remember the last time she giggled. This whole thing makes Santana feel like everything is jumbled and mixed up and upside down. She's feeling things she never feels and it's throwing her off balance.

"You know I was kind of scared of you when I first met you, when you stormed into the studio looking like you were going to kill someone. But you're really not scary at all."

Santana scoffs, puffs her chest out. "I'm hella scary, I'll have you know."

Brittany interjects with a soft laugh, like Santana being scary is the silliest idea in the world, then does something that throws Santana off completely. The brunette has her hands in her pockets, but Brittany casually hooks her arm around Santana's elbow and walks just a little bit closer, close enough for Santana to feel the warmth of her body.

The air leaves Santana's lungs and she reflexively glances over at the blonde, who just has that ridiculously happy smile on her face that she always does. It feels weird because Santana doesn't really touch people and doesn't like being touched unless there's some promise of an orgasm. She doesn't hold hands or hug or any of that bullshit. This thing Brittany is doing feels altogether unsettling, but not in a bad way.

Especially when Brittany tightens her arm and pulls her a little closer.

"You're not scary at all."

They find Brittany's car parked a couple streets away from the gym, not having to walk all that far at all, and by the time they find it Santana's heart has calmed a little and she's almost used to having Brittany's arm looped around hers and her body so close. She wishes they could walk further and she could hear more of the stories Brittany is telling her about dancing and unicorns and her cat, things she never gave a shit about before but suddenly finds herself desperately interested in, and she misses the warmth of her as soon as the blonde sidles up to the car.

The whole shiny thing is in one piece, and Santana thanks whatever is up in the sky that this didn't turn out badly. It's exactly the type of car Santana had guessed Brittany would drive, exactly like all the others in the McKinley parking lot. She really is lucky nothing happened to it, and that altogether unfamiliar need to protect this girl flares again.

"You know, you should be more careful when you're around here, especially at night. I don't know if Mike warned you or not but this part of town is kinda sketchy."

Brittany glances around them with wide eyes before shrugging. "I think it's nice."

"We walked past at least four hookers."

"Really? I was wondering what they were all dressed up for."

Santana squints as her jaw drops open because seriously, how does Brittany think that this neighbourhood is nice and not know how to spot a hooker? These are things Santana knew by the time she started school. Brittany is like an alien or an escapee from a cartoon or something.

"Where did you come from?"

Her question is filled with such disbelief that it's borderline insulting, but the blonde doesn't seem to notice or care if she does.

"Columbus," she answers without a beat.

Santana blinks at her, not sure what to say. This girl is like no one she has ever met before. She's not stupid, definitely a little naive and sheltered, but she just sees the world in a completely different way to most people Santana knows. The opposite of how Santana sees the world and it's cute and all but Brittany really needs to get that this neighbourhood is bad news.

"Okay, well just trust me on this. Don't stay out here at night and be careful."

"It doesn't seem so scary."

Santana scoffs, buries her hands in the pocket of Puck's hoddie again as they tighten into fists, the familiar frustration she feels with most people starting to creep in but she keeps her voice light. Why won't this girl just listen to her? "Trust me, it is."

"But you hang around here."

"That's different," the brunette sighs, trying to control her anger which normally would have resulted in her yelling by now. "I grew up around here and what happened in my house was probably worse than out here anyways. This is the _bad part_ of town Brittany. There's some fucked up shit so you have to be careful."

Santana doesn't even realise what she's revealed until it's too late because she just wanted this girl to understand and not get hurt but now Brittany is looking at her like she's some kind of wounded puppy. Santana hates that look. It's how people looked at her when her mother left and it reminds her of everything shit in her life and she feels her anger swelling and needs to calm down. She doesn't want to be mad at Brittany.

"Chang is a dick for not warning you," she adds a little too harshly, desperate to take the attention off herself and direct her anger at someone else.

Brittany frowns, and Santana knows she should feel bad and that she's acting like a freak with this girl she barely knows but she's too busy trying not to yell or think about her mum and her dad and their shitty little apartment or that time when she was fifteen and those guys hassled her and had her pushed against that wall until Puck came around the corner and scared them off.

"Mike is nice."

Brittany says it in such a small voice and looks so awkward that it finally gets to Santana and she feels her anger start to dissolve.

The brunette feels her fists loosen and her shoulders relax and shuffles a bit closer, resting against the car alongside Brittany. She doesn't know what to say to make it better so she bumps her hip into Brittany's lightly just like the blonde did as they walked. She holds her breath, and after a tense moment of wondering if she's fucked this up completely, a small smile returns to Brittany's face.

"Thanks for helping me find my car. I'll try not to lose it next time."

Santana can't help but return the blonde's smile, thankful that things seem to be okay between them again and that the direction of the conversation has changed.

"No worries. It gave me something to do other than listen to Puck talk nonsense about his girlfriend. You're much more interesting."

The brunette feels a blush creep into her cheeks and stares at the ground because she can feel Brittany's eyes on her and is far too embarrassed to look back at the girl. This is not her. Santana Lopez doesn't moon over some girl she doesn't even know. Her stomach isn't supposed to flip when Brittany smiles at her. She's not supposed to lose her train of thought mid-sentence because Brittany's eyes catch the light and are the prettiest colour Santana has ever seen.

"Thanks," the blonde replies and Santana can just tell that the girl is smiling. "Well I better get going, I'm sure my parents are wondering where I am."

Santana feels a painful pull in her stomach because she knows that there's no one of this earth right now who is wondering where she is and if she's safe.

Brittany opens the driver's side door that she was leaning against and throws her bag into the back seat. "You want me to drive you home? I don't mind giving you a lift."

Santana shakes her head and takes a step back from the car. "No, it's cool."

She's not going home yet anyway because these days she avoids being there as much as possible. Anita is always wanting to play with her and the baby is always screaming and her aunt is always asking her to do something. It's just easier to not go home until she has to, but even if she was going home right now she doesn't want Brittany to know where she lives. It's bad enough that she's in this neighbourhood, seeing Santana's world, but the blonde seeing the place she reluctantly calls home would just be revealing too much of her life. Though it would be nice to be in a confined space with Brittany.

"But you just said that it's dangerous around here."

"Dangerous for _you_, I'm scary remember."

That's mostly true. It's late and girls her age should not be walking around here at night, but Santana knows these streets and the people in them like the back of her hand. Puck and her grew up on these streets, and now that Puck is old enough and makes enough trouble to be feared, no one around here will mess with his best friend.

Santana does that thing that's halfway between a smile and a smirk that she knows girls like and it makes Brittany smile again which is rapidly becoming her favourite thing in the world. That smile could cure cancer it's so fucking perfect.

"Okay well, if you're sure?"

Santana nods. "It's not too far for me to walk."

"I guess I'll see you around then."

There's a hopeful lilt in Brittany's voice and Santana's not sure if this girl is gay or straight or what but it's pretty clear that the blonde likes being around her and that's enough for Santana for now.

"Yeah," she nods.

Brittany smiles again and settles into her car and waves at Santana in a way that the brunette would describe as _adorable_ if she ever used that word. She waves back and watches as the blonde drives off and feels herself flooded with relief and excitement. She can't wait until she sees Brittany again.

She watches until the brake lights from Brittany's car disappear, then she turns and starts heading in the direction of her favourite 24 hour diner where she'll probably just sit and hang out until midnight, which is usually when it's safe to go home because everyone will be asleep. Mercedes' dad owns it which is kind of awesome because Mercedes has to work there a lot and gives them free shit or more than they pay for. It also means that they know Santana and she doesn't get hassled for just sitting there only ordering coffee for a couple of hours late at night. She pulls her iPod out of her back pocket and slips the earphones into her ears. Puck gave it to her for her last birthday and she's pretty sure he stole it and knows she should feel bad for the kid he stole it from but she doesn't.

She thinks of the way Brittany smiled at her and her stomach does that annoying flipping thing again which is actually not that annoying anymore. It feels nice.

-x-

If she was being objective about it, Santana would say that her school counsellor Miss Pillsbury is attractive. She's got big doe eyes and a nice body and she likes the colour of her hair. The problem is that Pillsbury is super fucking weird. She has all these OCD hang-ups and clearly has a problem with sex because the sex ed. talks the school makes her give are super awkward and ridiculous. At first Santana just thought it was hilarious and made fun of her like everyone else at the school, but now that's she spent more time with her and gotten to know her she finds the woman and all her weirdness kind of endearing. That being said, sometimes when she's annoyed she'll still knock something out of place in Pillsbury's office just to watch her freak out about it. She's also noticed the way the redhead looks at Schuester, Santana's biology teacher, and it's kind of pathetic and sad. They so obviously love each other but Schuester is married to some troll he went to high school with and he's too much of a good guy to do anything about it. Santana wishes he would so that he and Pillsbury didn't have to distract themselves with trying to fix her.

"So Santana, did you get a chance to read through those college brochures I gave you?"

Miss Pillsbury's wide eyes are filled with hope as she awaits Santana's answer.

"I'm working my way through them. Certainly gives me something to think about."

A delighted smile breaks across the older woman's face.

Those brochures are still lying on the floor of Santana's room where she dumped them the day Pillsbury gave them to her and she hasn't touched them and she probably never will. But she's been dealing with the redhead long enough to know how to answer her questions and how to avoid others.

Ever since she aced his end of year exam in freshman year, Mr Schuester has made it his personal mission to harrass Santana about her _potential_. Then he got Pillsbury on her case about it and now the two of them make her school life hell, trying to sign her up for clubs and extracurriculars and organising extra homework. And now that her senior year has started they've both upped their game, talking endlessly about college and scholarships and asking too many questions about Santana's _future_. Like she has one. Make no mistake, Santana knows she's smart, smarter than most of the fuckers at this school if not all of them. Nobody would ever guess and she'd never tell anyone about it, but her GPA is perfect and her SAT scores were close to it and she barely even tried. Everyone assumes that Pillsbury and Schuester are just hassling her because she got into trouble again but it's the opposite. She could get into college and kick everyone's ass, but people in the Lopez family don't go to college, and that's not because they're all stupid. It's because they're fucking poor, like poverty line poor. It's because Santana knows she came from trash and that she's trash too. It's because she still has that juvenile record from when her and Puck kept getting into trouble with the cops a few years back. It's because this is her life and Santana knows her place in the world and it's right here in Lima Heights with all the other losers.

"Have you thought anymore about what you'd like to study?"

Santana shrugs, "Not sure yet."

That's a lie. Santana knows what she would want to do if she could, and as Pillsbury starts blabbering on about how _it's perfectly okay to go into college not knowing what you want to study_, the brunette lets herself indulge in her dreams for a very rare moment. She wants to be a doctor, ever since she was four she's wanted to be a doctor. And not in the way that kids want to be fireman and doctors and pirates when they're young. She wanted to help her dad when he got sick, but she couldn't, so maybe she could help someone else's dad so that they don't have to go through what she did.

It's a dream she rarely lets herself think about because she knows what will inevitably follow is disappointment and pain. She'll never go to college and she'll never become a doctor and little kid's parents will die and there is nothing she can do about any of it.

-x-

"Heads up Lopez, Berry and Hudson are in your section."

Kurt tips his head in their direction but Santana doesn't look over just yet. She feels her stomach knot and winces because the last thing she needs tonight is the SheBeast and Frankenteen and she definitely doesn't need them sitting in her section but of course they are because Rachel Berry loves to torture her.

"Fuck me," Santana groans and drops her head back, wishing for her shift to be over. She still has hours left.

"No thanks." Kurt smirks and the brunette grimaces.

She finally glances over and sees Berry's enormous nose and Hudson's huge head but they're not alone. Trouty mouth Sam Evans is with them too, like they're having a convention for enlarged body parts. Santana raises an eyebrow because the three of them look kind of dressed up and it almost looks like Berry is on a date with both of them. Kinky.

"Just try and keep your mouth shut this time Santana," Kurt warns her. "Mr Berry will fire you if you call his daughter Jew Nose again."

"It was an observation."

Kurt raises an eyebrow.

"I'll be nice."

"It's for your own good," she hears Kurt say over her shoulder as she makes her way over to the table.

Santana braces herself as she approaches and as she catches Berry's eye she watches the girl's smile turn into a scowl. She can't believe that she was ever best friends with this girl. She keeps repeating _don't say anything offensive don't say anything offensive_ in her mind but seriously, Berry has a fucking bow in her hair and not saying anything offensive might be impossible tonight.

"Santana, nice of you to finally come over. We've been waiting for you to take our drink orders for four minutes."

The urge to roll her eyes or slap Berry's face or say _go fuck yourself_ is unbelievably powerful, but Santana keeps a tight smile on her face and repeats her mantra in her head, _don't say anything offensive don't say anything offensive_.

"Rachel, Finn, Sam," the brunette looks at each of them in turn. "What a lovely threesome you make tonight."

She grins sweetly and knows she can get away with it, despite the scowl on Berry's disproportionate face.

"We're actually expecting Sam's date any minute now," Berry explains smugly.

"Well, he's a lucky guy."

"It's a girl," Sam says defensively, looking up at her from underneath his ridiculous mop of shaggy blonde hair. Boy needs a haircut.

"Not everyone's a fucking homo like you Lopez," Finn sneers and Santana feels her body tense.

It's nothing unusual but it still stings, and she hates that she can't say anything back because Kurt is right, Mr Berry will totally fire her ass and she can't let that happen because she needs the money. The restaurant is in the nice and leafy part of Lima and he might be a Jew, but Mr Berry pays well. She does takes some small amount of satisfaction, however, from knowing that Finn wouldn't be saying anything like that if Puck was here because the last time he did Puck smashed his face in. So she consoles herself with the knowledge that Finn Hudson is a little bitch.

"Right. My mistake. Drinks?"

She takes their order and is about to head back to fill it when she sees Berry's eyes and smile widen and hears a familiar voice to her right. In a moment that feels all too surreal, Brittany is standing there in a simple but beautiful white dress saying hello to everyone and apologising for being late.

And that's when it hits Santana - Brittany is the fourth person on this ridiculous double date. Brittany is here with _Sam_. Santana just wants to go outside and scream _fuck this_ into the sky because seriously, of all the people in this world, Brittany is friends with Berry and going on dates with Sam. She wonders what that says about the blonde.

"Santana?"

The brunette smiles tightly when Brittany calls her name and she watches Berry's eyes narrow. Finn just looks lost like always, and Sam has this doofus smile on his face now that Brittany is here.

This isn't going to end well.

"Hey Brittany."

The blonde is smiling at her in that way that she always does, and despite feeling Berry's eyes on her, Santana returns the smile. She's happy to see Brittany regardless of the situation, especially this version of Brittany, all done up with her hair falling in loose curls and a pretty dress. Santana can't help feeling a tug low in her belly. Brittany looks beautiful.

"You work here," the blonde says as if she's just realised it. "I knew the name of this place sounded familiar."

"You two know each other?" Berry asks, glancing between the two of them.

Santana's first instinct is to play it down, to act like they don't really know each other and Brittany hasn't met Puck and her cousin and been in her neighbourhood and seen Santana spaz out, but Brittany doesn't seem to have the same idea.

"Yeah, we met a couple of weeks ago at the dance studio. And Santana helped me find my car in Lima Heights on Tuesday night when I forgot where I parked it."

Santana winces and hears the dramatic intake of air from Berry. Everything that girl does is dramatic. She wants to tell Brittany to shut up because she's only making things worse for both of them.

"Brittany, what were you doing in Lima Heights?" Finn drawls out as if Brittany had said she was in Iraq or something, and Santana just has this urge to punch him in the face.

"I dance in a gym over there," Brittany answers like it's no big deal. "How do you all know each other?"

Santana scoffs because that question has a really complicated answer that she's sure none of them want to get into right now. They'd need a pen and paper to explain that tangled mess – love triangles, broken friendships, heartbreak, restraining orders. A history none of them want to rehash.

"You shouldn't be in Lima Heights," Berry warns the blonde, ignoring her question and looking pointedly at Santana, but the brunette just wants to get out of there.

"I'll be back with your drinks."

She's halfway turned around when she hears Berry call out.

"Wait."

Slowly she swivels back around with a forced smile. "Yeah?"

"Take Brittany's drink order."

And it's not the first time she's waited on someone she knows, hell, she's waited on her friends and family and teachers before, but there's something about standing there being told to serve Brittany while Rachel watches with a smug, entitled expression on her face, while the two stupid boys look on with the same expression, that makes Santana feel like shit. Like she's every bit the piece of trash people say she is. It makes her angry, and her grip on her pad and pen tightens.

Brittany must finally feel the weird tension because she glances around before politely asking for some water. Santana just nods, keeping her eyes on her order pad and then walks back to the counter.

.

When she has a quiet moment, which is often tonight because the restaurant isn't all that busy, Santana keeps glancing over at Berry's table and watching the foursome. They look like they're having a great time and everyone is laughing and Santana assumes they're not laughing at Berry unless it's at her face. She hates to admit it, but Brittany looks like she's having fun too, and Santana has noticed Sam staring at the blonde's boobs one too many times and feels like pouring a jug of water in his lap. Although really, if she were in his position she'd probably be doing the same thing. The rest of her night has gone as well as it started, the tension still thick every time Santana returns to the table. They're just finishing dessert so the brunette hopes that they'll be leaving soon, then she can go home and pass out and forget this shitty night even happened.

"How's it going with Berry and the homophobe?" Kurt asks as he leans against the counter next to her. He's had his own run-ins with Finn and hates him as much as Santana hates Berry.

The brunette groans. "Same shit as usual. They're better than me and being gay is bad. I really can't wait until Rachel finds out that her dad is a flaming homo."

"I would like to be there for that," Kurt laughs. "Finn is worse though. I can't believe Quinn ever dated that asshole."

"I can," Santana scoffs. "She used to be just as bad as Berry. Those two running the Cheerios and ruling McKinley like mini-dictators. She's not much better now."

Santana knows that's a lie, Quinn is a lot better now than Berry, but she's mad and she's not sparing anyone.

"Yes she is," Kurt knocks her shoulder lightly in admonishment. "Maybe that blonde girl is Quinn's replacement," he says of Brittany.

Santana watches everyone at the table erupt with laughter again and really hopes that's not true.

.

Much to Santana's annoyance, SheBeast and her table decide they want coffee after their dessert, so she's not rid of them yet. Brittany has tried to catch her eye a couple of times but the brunette avoids looking at her as much as possible. She deals with her problems by avoiding them and right now Brittany is a problem.

She's on her way back to their table with their coffees when she hears Puck's name several times from both Berry and Hudson, and she knows she shouldn't say anything, she knows she should let it go, but it's Puck and they are assholes and she can't just let it go.

She holds her tongue as she places their coffees on the table but when Brittany is the only one to say thank you or acknowledge her at all it flares Santana's anger and now she really can't help herself.

"What are you saying about Puck?"

All four of them look surprised, and Santana realises that she's just butted into their conversation and probably asked her question quite harshly. Berry is certainly looking like her enormous nose is out of joint.

"Well, not that it's any of your business, but we were talking about people in Lima that Brittany should avoid."

Santana briefly glances at the blonde, finds her staring down at the table looking uncomfortable. Knows that whatever she could have had with Brittany is fucked now but really, if she's friends with Berry then nothing could have ever come from it anyway, not even friendship.

"And Puck is one of them?"

"_One_ of them," Berry says pointedly, and Santana can feel her fists tightening.

"And why exactly is Puck someone to avoid?"

"The dude is a criminal," Finn drawls, and in her mind Santana can still see Finn's bloodied face from when Puck messed him up and all she wants right now is to see that happen again.

"He's going to end up behind bars," Sam pipes up.

"He's lucky he hasn't already," Finn mutters like he's part of a chorus.

"Santana, let's not pretend that there isn't a certain..._undesirable_ element here in Lima."

Rachel smirks at her and Santana really just wants to break that huge nose.

"And then there are just people who are worthless," Finn adds, always playing backup to Berry and smirking at Santana like he's better than her.

Santana glares at him and his face is just so stupid and she knows she shouldn't provoke him but she can't help herself.

"Quinn doesn't seem to think Puck is so worthless. In fact Finn, didn't she totally break your heart and dump your ass for him?"

The smile drops right off of Finn's face and Santana feels a momentary swelling of satisfaction in her chest, but it deflates rather quickly because she knows something bad is coming when his jaw stiffens and he hisses, "You should mind your own business dyke."

There's an audible collective gasp from around the table and Santana thinks maybe she's part of it too because all the air leaves her body in a split second. It's a name she's been called before and she knows that she shouldn't retaliate but she's sick of being fucked over by these assholes and can't control her anger even if she wanted to.

"What did you just call me, Lurch? Why don't you have another slice of cake, doughboy."

She practically snarls at him but Finn doesn't back down.

"You heard me. You don't belong here. You or your girlfriend Kurt."

Santana feels her entire body tense and she's one second away from jumping over the table and slapping Hudson so hard that her hand is imprinted in his cheek for years.

Even Rachel seems to think this has gotten out of hand, because she touches Finn's forearm and says firmly, "Finn, that's enough."

But he just shakes his head. "No, I'm sick of her always giving us shit and calling us names. Because if my mummy dumped me on my aunt's doorstep like a piece of trash when I was a kid and never looked back, I wouldn't be so hasty to talk shit about other people."

And just like that all the fight leaves Santana's body and she almost doubles over because it feels like she's been punched in the stomach. She can handle people talking shit about the way she looks or for being gay or poor or Hispanic, but not about her parents. A lot of people hate her and she gets into a lot of fights but not many people know about her parents and the people that do never mention it. She can't believe Berry told Finn about her mum.

She glances around and Finn looks a little ashamed, like he's finally realised what he just said. Rachel has an apologetic look on her face and it's the first time Santana has seen anything resembling genuine kindness directed towards her from the girl in years. For the first time during all of this she remembers that Brittany is sitting there watching this whole horrible show, glances over to her and finds the blonde with her head down, like she's trying to pretend she's not even there.

It feels like more of a rejection that it should and it's all too much. Santana can feel a wave of emotion swelling inside her, emotions that she usually keeps locked up tight in some dark corner of her brain that are now threatening to escape. Her eyes flood with tears but she _will not_ cry in front of these assholes. Santana Lopez doesn't let anyone see her cry.

She doesn't know how they got like this. Her and Rachel Berry. How they went from being best friends, holding hands at her father's funeral, to this.

The brunette takes a deep calming breath and tries like hell to keep her voice from breaking, to keep everything from breaking. She will not let them break her.

"Enjoy your coffees. Have a good night."

The table is silent as she walks away with her legs feeling like jelly beneath her. Her heart is racing and she feels like she's not in her body right but she just focuses on moving one foot in front of the other until she's in the little staff break room and she's sure she's alone. That's when the tears finally start to fall.

.

Santana doesn't see the four of them again that night. She's not even in the staff room for five minutes, just enough time to pull herself together and fix her makeup, but when she comes back out the table is empty and she breathes a sigh of relief.

Kurt knows something happened because Santana's still looking a bit rattled but he also knows her well enough to know that she doesn't want to talk about it.

She gets off work at midnight and texts Puck to ask him if he wants to do something stupid like smash some factory windows because she has all this anger and needs to do something with it. She doesn't tell him that last part though. He texts back to tell her that he's busy with Quinn and Santana almost throws her phone into the sidewalk. She's just so fucking _angry_. Like every other emotion in her is getting funnelled and transformed into this pulsing ball of hate and rage.

She hates that tonight happened. She hates that Hudson knows about her mum. She hates that Brittany now knows too and saw what happened tonight and she hates that Brittany wouldn't look her in the eye and she hates that she ever thought she could even be friends with someone like her.

Three minutes later Puck texts back asking where she is because he's coming to meet her. Santana reads the message and is almost on the verge of tears again because Puck is the one person in the world who is always there for her.

-x-

Two days later Santana tells her cousin very clearly that she is to wait for her just inside the entrance to the gym and _not_ to go and watch Brittany dance. She tells her three times that morning before she goes to work and asks Anita to repeat it back to her.

So when she opens the door and doesn't see her sitting there waiting, Santana grits her teeth and curses in Spanish as she marches up the hall to where she knows they both are. This time she doesn't stop at the door and watch, she doesn't care about how hot Brittany is or how well she dances. She pushes through the door forcefully and keeps her eyes trained to where she knows Anita will be sitting, ignoring everything else in the room. The music is low and quiet so she doesn't need to should very loud, calling out to her cousin in Spanish and telling her to move her ass.

Santana watches until her cousin turns to her so she knows that she is waiting then retreats back down the hall and out the door to wait outside the front entrance. She wants as much space between her and Brittany as possible. A minute later she hears the doors open and swivels around, ready to tell off Anita because she told her three fucking times and the kid doesn't fucking listen.

But when she turns it's not Anita standing behind her, it's Brittany.

"Hey," the blonde offers tentatively, like she's worried Santana is going to slap her greeting away.

She should be. Santana doesn't want to talk to her or look at her and still feels completely humiliated from the other night and Brittany and her friends can go fuck themselves.

"Where's Anita?"

Her voice is cold and severe and Brittany looks a little taken aback.

"She had to go to the bathroom," the blonde explains gently, like she's talking to a child or a deranged old person. "I wanted to talk to you about Friday night."

Santana crosses her arms. "I don't want to talk about it. Just forget it."

That's all Santana wants, is to forget it. That's how she gets by in life, forgetting all the shitty things that happen and pretending they didn't. Evidently, Brittany doesn't feel the same way.

"It's just, I'm not good with confrontation and I felt really bad because Finn was so mean so I just wanted to–"

Santana holds up her hand to stop her talking because she can't listen to this girl apologise and talk about how bad she feels for her, but thankfully Anita chooses this moment to step outside and interrupt them.

Brittany finally shuts her mouth and Santana barely waits for Anita to catch up before she's already walking away. Over her shoulder she hears Anita yell goodbye to Brittany and the blonde say it back.

-x-

The next week she promises Anita she'll give her two family sized chocolate bars if she waits where she's supposed to, and this time she does. Santana doesn't see Brittany at all and she's not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

-x-

The next Wednesday Santana has a rare night free from work and study so she's spending it hanging out at Puck's house. Unfortunately when she rocked up Quinn was also there, though the brunette should have been expecting that really. Those two are always together these days and Santana kind of hates that her best friend almost always comes with a plus one now, but she's getting used to it and Quinn isn't nearly as irritating as she used to be when she was on the Cheerios and friends with Berry.

The three of them are in Puck's cramped bedroom watching a lame DVD that Quinn wanted to see and Santana has no interest in so she's reading one of her English novels instead and making snarky comments at the movie every so often. Puck and Quinn are all cuddled up on his bed and Santana is sitting on the floor leaning back against it. This room is so familiar to her that it's like her second bedroom really.

"Hey S, did you ever bang that blonde girl?"

Santana's head whips up from the book and she hears Quinn scoff. "What blonde girl?"

"The hot one who lost her car the other week. Barbie, Bethany...Beyonce?"

Santana quirks an eyebrow. "Beyonce? Seriously?"

Quinn sniggers and Puck just shrugs.

"Brittany," Santana finally answers and it's the first time she's thought about the girl in a few days. Well, that's mostly true. Yesterday she thought she saw someone who looked like Brittany and her heart stopped for a second before she told herself to stop being such a pussy. Other than that she's mostly managed to forget the whole thing ever happened.

"Yeah, what happened with her? She likes you, I can tell."

Santana huffs out a breath because really, it's been a few weeks since that night and Puck was high when he met Brittany so she thought she'd escaped his interrogation about her. Apparently not.

"Nothing happened, I barely know the girl."

"Wait," Quinn says in that pretty voice of hers that Santana will never admit that she kind of loves. "Are you talking about Brittany Pierce, the new girl at McKinley?"

Santana feels her shoulders tense because now with Quinn asking questions it feels like it's becoming a thing and she doesn't want it to be a thing. She doesn't want to talk about it.

She keeps her head down and doesn't answer but Puck does it for her. "You know her?"

"Yeah, she asked me about you actually, Santana."

That piques the brunette's interest and there's an unexpected flutter in her stomach, but she doesn't want to make it obvious so she keeps her head down, knowing that her best friend's innate inability to stay out of her love life will come into play.

"I told you she likes you," Puck adds smugly. He likes to think that he's the best lesbro in the world and Santana rolls her eyes when he acts like this but she also kind of loves it. She loves that her sexuality doesn't affect their friendship at all. Actually, it's probably made their relationship stronger. "What did she say?" Puck continues. "Does she want to get it in with Santana or what?"

The brunette cringes because _ew_, Puck is crass, but she's also totally hanging on to every word of this conversation.

"Don't be gross," Quinn admonishes him gently. "She just asked me if I was dating a guy with a mohawk named Puck and then asked if I knew you, Santana. When I said I did she asked me what I thought of you –"

"What did you tell her?"

Santana can't help but interrupt, annoyed that her interest in the blonde is still strong, but also because she doesn't like the idea of people talking about her. She really fucking hopes Brittany didn't say anything about what happened at the restaurant the other night.

"I told her that you were an evil robot bitch and that she should stay away from you at all costs. Both of you actually."

"Funny Fabray," Santana says dryly.

"Nice, babe," Puck adds proudly.

Quinn's smirk sobers a little. "I told her that you're secretly lovely but pretend not to be and that you're pretty funny...and smart."

"Wow Fabray, if I'd known you felt that way about me sooner I'd have done something about it."

"You wish," Quinn scoffs.

"All three of us can all do something about it right now if you want," Puck suggests as he wiggles his eyebrows.

Santana reaches her arm back and punches Puck's thigh at the same time as Quinn smacks the back of his head.

"Jesus women! Take a joke."

Santana turns and she and Quinn share a smile and it's one of those increasingly frequent moments where the brunette feels like maybe she and Quinn have actually become friends. The prospect is a world away from what they were this time last year – mortal enemies. Back then Quinn was dating Frankenteen and best friends with Berry and she and Santana couldn't stand each other. Quinn and Berry slushied Santana and Tina once and then the brunette keyed the shit out of Quinn's car. Shit like that happened all the time. But then suddenly it all changed. Quinn threw everything she had away, her quarterback boyfriend, her bitchy best friend and her co-captaincy of the Cheerios, and started dating Puck and hanging around with Santana and the Lima Heights kids. Santana still isn't quite sure why. She asked Quinn about it once but they were at a party and both pretty loaded so she doesn't really remember. Something about Quinn being sick of the bullshit and the pressure. Santana thinks she's stupid to give that all up, to risk fucking up her perfect life. The girl is lucky and she doesn't even realise it. Quinn is still a little too stuck up for Santana's liking and they still clash sometimes but they mostly get along. She'd never admit this to anyone, but before she was all out and proud and shit, Santana used to harbour a secret crush on Quinn Fabray. The girl is pretty.

"She did seem pretty interested in you Santana," Quinn continues once they've settled down.

Santana feels her stomach do that flip thing but it's stupid because nothing is going to happen with Brittany and she needs to remember that.

"Fuck yeah she is," Puck adds. "I told you I know how to pick 'em. I know my lesbians."

Santana wants to hit him again but she knows Quinn has it covered when she hears another smack and Puck curse.

"Isn't she dating Evans?"

Santana doesn't want to seem too interested but she can't help herself.

Quinn scrunches her nose. "I've seen them together at school and people are gossiping about it but they don't seem all that coupley."

The brunette shrugs, like she should even care who the blonde is dating. It's none of her business.

"I think she's going to that party this Saturday," Quinn says suggestively, and even though Santana hadn't yet decided if she was going to go, she decides she won't.

-x-

Santana goes to the party. Puck and Quinn talked her in to going but honestly, she didn't take that much convincing. She wanted to get drunk and she didn't want to do it alone but all of her friends were going to the party so she had no choice really.

It's just like every other high school party Santana has ever been to. A lot of drunk or high kids in a warehouse or barn or the house of some kid whose parents have gone away - this time it's the house of some football player from McKinley. The funny thing about this town is that kids from McKinley and Lima Heights tend to avoid each other in almost every way– except when it comes to parties. It's almost an unwritten rule that parties mean that kids from both schools will be there. Santana's not sure why but she wouldn't be surprised if it has something to do with the Lima Heights kids having all the drugs and the McKinley kids having all the money to buy them. Either way, the blending of the different worlds always proves entertaining if nothing else. Santana does like watching a good fistfight, and the hot girls from McKinley provide a nice change of scenery for her.

She's been at the party for a few hours - Puck drove her, Quinn, Mike and Tina – and she's pretty wasted. On the way over they stopped at the liquor store Puck's uncle Johnny owns and picked up a few bottles. Johnny got into some shit with the cops last year for selling booze to underage kids - that moron Tanaka had finally cottoned on - so now they have to get a little creative. Anytime Johnny sees them come into the store he turns around and makes himself busy with something at the counter, while Santana or Puck take what they want from the shelves and leave the money in its place, that way Johnny never actually sells it to them. Tonight Santana had taken some vodka for herself and now the bottle is over half empty and she's feeling pretty fucking buzzed.

She's sitting on a couch in the lounge and at the other end of it Puck and Quinn are making out. Santana is pretty anti-social most of the time anyways and it doesn't get all that much better when she's drinking. She spends most parties sitting in a corner knocking them back and talking shit with the few people on this planet she can stand and then a girl will usually catch her eye and Santana will spend the night trying to get into her pants.

There are a couple girls that she has her eye on tonight. A brunette named Stacey that she'd hooked up with a few weeks ago keeps giving her eyes from across the room as well and Santana decides to give it another half hour to make up her mind. The thing with Lima is - there aren't exactly a whole heap of out and proud ladies running around. Most of the girls Santana hooks up with are just experimenting or confused or trying to piss off/arouse their boyfriends. She knows she's not going to get a girlfriend out of it and she doesn't want one, and she knows that they are using her just as much as she is using them. It's been working out pretty well for her so far.

She glances across the room and sees Kurt dancing like he's at a Kylie Minogue concert and notices Blaine close by, but they're not actually dancing together. The two of them try to keep their gayness on the DL in social situations like this, especially since this is the house of one of Finn's teammates and Karofsky is around too. Santana feels an unexpected sadness weighing on her chest because she knows Kurt just wants to dance with Blaine.

"Hey."

She hears someone call out to her and turns to her left, blinks several times like a moron because she could have sworn Puck and Quinn were dry humping there a minute ago and now Brittany's bright blue eyes are staring back at her.

"Hi," she blurts out surprised and it must've been the right thing to say because the blonde is smiling at her like she did when they first met.

Santana had been trying to avoid that smile most of the night. She'd seen Brittany when the blonde had first shown up, walking in with fucking trouty mouth Evans. Their eyes had met briefly but Santana had looked away, wanting to make it clear that they weren't friends and they were never friends. She'd seen the blonde several times throughout the night, sometimes with Evans or Berry or that four-eyed geek in the wheelchair, but Brittany seemed thoroughly entertained each time and didn't appear fazed by Santana's snubbing at all. In fact, as the night wore on, Santana started to feel like maybe she was the one being snubbed, and the drunker she got the more she disliked that feeling. Though it seems she had been wrong.

"I got sick of waiting for you to come talk to me," Brittany says as she leans in a little closer to be heard, and now that Santana can smell her perfume and feel her breath across her cheek she feels her heart start to thump and instantly feels a lot more drunk than she did a minute ago.

"You want to talk to me?" she manages to stutter out and knows she sounds like an idiot but can't help it.

Brittany giggles and Santana can't stop looking at her lovely pink lips.

"Of course I do. I like you Santana."

The brunette feels those stupid butterflies in her stomach again and mixed with all this alcohol it's not such a great feeling. She glances away and her eyes fall on Berry and find the hobbit staring back at her and Brittany with narrow beady eyes. Clearly she doesn't like it, and it reminds Santana of that horrible fucking night at the restaurant and how Brittany just kept her head down and how fucking mad that made her.

And while a sober Santana might be able to control herself and play nice, a half-cut Santana Lopez can't stop herself from being an ass, and she hasn't forgotten that she wants nothing to do with Brittany...despite what the weird feeling in her stomach might be telling her.

"If you want to talk to someone you should go talk to your asshole boyfriend."

It must take Brittany a second to hear her properly over the music, but as soon as she comprehends what was just said her smile drops.

The blonde just stares at her for a second and then stands up and walks away without a word.

Santana pours herself another drink and decides to go find Stacey.

-x-

Two days later, still feeling the lingering and stubborn pain of one of her worst hangovers ever, Santana goes to pick up her cousin and feels inexplicably disappointed when she finds Anita sitting there where she's supposed to. There's an annoying knot in her stomach that's been there ever since she was an ass to Brittany at the party and Santana thought that maybe seeing the blonde would help, but she's not there and the knot won't go away.

She briefly thinks about going into the gym to talk to her but really, what's she going to say.

-x-

"Lopez, you wanna go on a little lunchtime field trip?"

Santana lifts her gaze from her book as Puck takes a seat next to her in their English class.

"What did you have in mind Puckerman?"

"Going up to McKinley to see Quinn. Figured you could get your head out of your ass and make nice with the hot blonde."

Santana rolls her eyes. Puck has been busting her ass about Brittany ever since Quinn had told him what happened at the party. Apparently the blondes are friends now and while she thinks that Quinn is definitely an improvement on Berry, it pisses Santana off no end that they talk about her. She doesn't like it one bit. Every day now Puck hassles her about Brittany and it's starting to get really old. The only benefit of the Brittany/Quinn friendship is that Santana can find out more about the blonde. It comes in dribs and drabs and she tries not to seem too interested, but Puck and Quinn can see right through it and drop little tid bits about Brittany here and there. Santana has learned that Brittany's family is rich, like super fucking rich, and her dad is some top business guy who is going to run for the state senate. Santana wondered why they moved to Lima of all places but it makes sense if he's running for this district. Brittany's mum is apparently one of those wealthy women who spends her time raising money for charities and stuff. She also has a younger sister, and according to Quinn Brittany likes all kinds of music and coconut ice cream and gardening and photography and is going to New York to dance next year.

Everything she learns about Brittany's life just reinforces Santana's belief that there is no way her and the blonde can be friends much less anything else. Brittany lives in a completely different world.

But her stomach still has those annoying flutters when she thinks of the blonde. And her heart still quickens whenever her name is mentioned. And that knot has been aching in her gut for almost a week now and maybe making nice with Brittany might fix it.

So that's how she ended up sitting on the hood of Puck's car in the McKinley parking lot while the two of them wait. Santana's not even sure if Brittany will want to talk to her or what she should say if she does and her stomach is a mess of nerves while her head is swirling with insane thoughts.

"Fuck S, you're shaking like a junkie. Chill."

She realises her knee is bobbing up and down furiously and stills it, taking a deep breath and trying to calm herself. Reminds herself that she's Santana Lopez and she doesn't spaz out about anything, let alone a girl.

But it's no use because when she looks up again she sees Quinn and Brittany walking towards them, the latter in a fucking Cheerio's outfit, and the air rushes from her lungs. That skirt is just _so_ short and there is so much leg on display that Santana can't think straight. She's pretty sure her mouth is hanging open like some kind of middle-aged perv.

Puck stands to greet his girl and Santana's not sure what the hell she's supposed to do but Brittany is walking over with a tight nervous smile and is standing in front of her before the brunette even realises it.

The blonde pulls at the bottom of Cheerio's top and is obviously nervous. "Quinn said you wanted to say something to me?"

"She did?" Santana asks, looking over Brittany's shoulder at Quinn who nods her head and mimes _apologise_ which makes Santana want to mime back, _go fuck yourself_.

Her eyes flick back to Brittany's and the girl just looks so awkward and uncomfortable that Santana can't stand it.

"You're a Cheerio," she states, a little bluntly because she's not sure where to start and the blonde's outfit is completely distracting. She realises it may have sounded a little judgemental.

"_That's_ what you wanted to say to me?"

Santana's not used to such an impatient tone from Brittany and she winces a little, acknowledging that she's not doing this right. She slips off the car and stands, realising a little too late that she's closer to the girl that she thought she'd be and that jacks her nerves up even more.

"No, I mean...I just wanted to say that...I shouldn't have acted like such a shit to you."

The last part is said in a hurried exhale but it's clear from Brittany's nonplussed reaction that she's waiting for more.

Santana sighs. "Not just at the party, but before that...after the restaurant."

She's loathed to even bring it up and all those humiliated and angry feelings swell inside her again but she tries to push them aside.

"So, are we cool?"

Brittany laughs a little, almost with disbelief, and Santana can feel the tension ease just a little now that the blonde is smiling again.

"That's the worst apology in the history of apologies. You didn't even say sorry."

And this is where Santana would usually say _go fuck yourself and your fucking apology_. But it's almost like she's physically incapable of being that way around Brittany and all she wants to do is make the girl smile. She can feel her cheeks blush and takes a deep breath. If she's going to do this whole apology thing she's going to do it right.

"Brittany Pierce, I'm sorry I was such a dick to you. I hope you can forgive me."

She's only ever said something like this when it's been dripping with sarcasm but for once in her life she's being completely sincere. She feels like a moron but that beautiful smile is back on Brittany's face and it's making Santana feel all flushed and warm so it's totally worth it.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Brittany smiles even wider. "Okay."

Santana exhales a relieved breath and feels that knot in her stomach loosen. She looks over and sees Puck and Quinn sitting on the fence holding hands and laughing and kissing and it's gross because it's Puck, but they also look totally in love and it's not totally disgusting. The brunette finds herself smiling at the sight of them but quickly recovers herself when she remembers that she's not one of those stupid girls who smiles at shit like that.

"I'm not dating Sam."

Santana's eyes flick back to the girl in front of her and find Brittany staring back at her, her gaze unwavering. Like she really wants the brunette to hear her.

"You're not?"

The brunette tries not to sound hopeful but she thinks she does.

Brittany shakes her head with a gentle smile. "I was never dating him. I didn't even know it was a double date that night. Rachel just said a few of us were going to get dinner. I didn't know."

Santana's eyes flick down at the mention of that night.

"I told Rachel I didn't want to be her friend anymore."

"I bet she was happy about that."

Now that the tension has dissolved and they are talking easily again, Santana moves back and sits on the hood of the car, patting the space next to her for Brittany to sit.

"She tried to have me kicked off the Cheerios but Sue wouldn't let her," the blond explains as she gets on the car. "I'm pretty sure she hates Rachel as much as you do."

Santana smirks because no one hates Berry as much as she does but she's very happy that people try.

"So you're a Cheerio huh?"

She grips the end of Brittany's skirt and tugs it lightly, her fingers just barely grazing skin but it's enough to cause a shiver at the base of her spine.

"Am I not cool enough for you now?"

Santana scoffs. "Nobody is cool enough for me."

"My mum really wants me to be a cheerleader and it's fun so I don't mind."

Brittany shrugs like it's no big deal and Santana wants to laugh because she knows that it is a huge deal and most girls and McKinley would kill to be on that squad.

"Well, I'm sure you're _not terrible_ at it."

She knocks her shoulder into Brittany's gently and smirks. The blonde's face lights up and the only thing Santana can think is how much she wants to kiss her. She doesn't just want to be this girl's friend.

"You'll have to come and watch me so you can see how amazing I am."

"Well it'll have to be the next time Lima Heights kicks McKinley's ass. The only reason I go to football games is so I can yell insults at Puck."

"Well, maybe now you have another reason to go."

Brittany flashes that brilliant smile again and Santana thinks that maybe now she has a reason to do a lot of things she normally wouldn't.

-x-

The next Sunday Santana tells Anita that it's okay if she wants to wait for her inside with Brittany and the kid shrugs and says maybe. She ends up having to bribe her cousin with an ice cream and knows she's probably being played but it's worth it. It's worth it when she walks into the dance studio and receives that beaming smile from Brittany when the blonde sees her. Again the girl is barely wearing anything and it does all sorts of pleasant things to Santana.

"Santana, hey," the blonde greets her enthusiastically. "You're just in time to see our dance routine."

The brunette arches an eyebrow and looks at her cousin who claps her hands excitedly. She nods and makes her way over to lean against the wall while Brittany and Anita line up in front of her and once the poppy music kicks in they start to move. At first Santana watches Anita because it is pretty entertaining watching an eight year old dance, but her eyes are soon drawn to Brittany. Brittany whose body moves so naturally and fluidly like it was made just for this. Santana is completely captivated and knows it's super lame and wanky but the way Brittany dances makes the brunette feel like anything is possible. It's like magic.

Their short routine finishes and Santana claps, Anita hamming it up and curtseying. As much as the kid pisses her off she's the only family Santana has and she does love the little shit, so seeing Brittany be so nice to her makes her stomach do that flipping thing again. She pushes herself off the wall and makes her way over to them.

"Nice moves Midget. Blondie, you need to work on your technique."

Anita grins smugly and Brittany giggles. "Any other notes for me?"

"Yeah, you should really hit the gym," Santana jokes as she reaches her finger out and pokes at the tight muscles of Brittany's exposed stomach. "You're a bit out of shape."

Brittany laughs and Santana has a stupid grin on her face because she just made her do that.

"I'll work on it. Are you going to that party on Friday night?"

Santana wasn't planning on it. She has to work and by the time she finishes up and gets changed and makes her way to the party it would be like 1am and most of the partygoers would be far too wasted and things would be getting messy. That's not fun if you're the sober one playing catch-up.

"I have to work."

Brittany's smile drops a little and Santana can tell that she's disappointed. Santana can't help but think of what might happen between them if she does.

"I could stop by afterwards," she suggests and when the blonde's smile brightens again Santana knows this party is going to be interesting.

-x-

The party is a shit show, bigger and messier than usual, and as she's walking through the house with Kurt trying to find people they know Santana wonders whether a nasty batch of E or weed or something is making its way around because everyone seems more fucked than usual. She just wants to find their friends and start drinking so that she's not the only sober loser at this party.

They pass through the house, Santana on the lookout for a certain blonde, and find most of their friends in the kitchen seated around a table with an unholy amount of empty bottles and red cups littered around it. Quinn is on Puck's lap and the two are making out like animals, Mike is talking animatedly to Blaine and Tina and Mercedes are singing and giggling. Santana shakes her head at her pathetic excuse for friends.

She takes an empty seat next to Mercedes and grabs the bottle of whatever is in front of her – she's not being picky tonight. The amber liquid fills half the red cup and she drops her head back and slams all of it down, wincing at the burn and exhaling forcefully. She's going to need to need a few more of those.

Her friends finally seem to notice that she's there and greet her enthusiastically, asking what took her so long to get there even though they knew she was working. There's a lot of slurring and forgetting of words but they try and catch her up on the party. Apparently Hudson tried to talk to Quinn again which led to a huge blowout between Berry and Hudson. Santana is sorry she missed it. Other than that it was the usual shit. Tina and Mercedes giggle like idiots and Santana knows that they must have smoked some weed because that's how they get when they do. Mike looks high too and Santana wonders if they have any left because that's much easier than smashing a bottle of whiskey. Blaine is already macking on Kurt and Puck and Quinn don't look like they've come up for air.

Santana pulls on the back of Quinn's top to try and get her attention. She has to do it a few times before the blonde un-suctions her mouth from Puck's and turns to look at her.

"Santana, you made it!" Quinn has a dopey smile on her face and Santana can tell that she's drunk. Really drunk.

Puck opens his eyes in the absence of Quinn's lips and greets his friend and Santana nods in reply.

"You seen Brittany?"

Quinn's brow furrows in concentration like Santana's just asked her a complex algebra problem or something.

"Yeah," she answers finally. "She was with Artie."

Santana feels that knot in her stomach again. "That wheelchair kid?"

Quinn nods. "You look pretty."

"Jesus, you must be hammered."

Quinn just shrugs and turns back to Puck and Santana is forced to look away because it's sloppy and disgusting.

She pours herself another drink and decides to go looking for the blonde because her friends are boring and Brittany is hot.

But the girl doesn't seem to be anywhere downstairs and that knot in Santana's gut starts to tighten because that could mean that Brittany is upstairs with someone. Maybe even that wheels kid which is all kinds of wrong. She begins to wish she'd asked Mike if he had any weed left.

It's not quite relief when she finds the blonde in the backyard, because yes she's not upstairs in a bed with anyone, but she is sitting across the lap of that Artie kid with her arms around his neck. They're not kissing but with the way they're sitting and the way his hands are all over her waist and legs it seems like they probably have been or will be soon. She can't believe that some cripple has totally cockblocked her.

And then her stomach drops out of her ass completely when she sees Artie lean over and kiss Brittany, the blonde kissing back with an obvious smile on her face.

Santana takes a deep breath and realises that she has to get a fucking grip and let this Brittany thing go. Sure Brittany has been friendly with her but from what Quinn has told her the girl is like that with everyone and the blonde has given her no reason to think that she even likes girls. It's just not worth her losing her shit over. They can just be friends and the brunette can go back to hooking up with randoms at parties and not feeling bad about it.

She feels like an idiot just standing there watching them and turns, determined to get fucked up and have a good time since she's here anyway.

When she gets back to her friends she finds that everyone has gone except Quinn and Puck, still making out like two twelve year olds who haven't learned to do anything else yet.

"Where the fuck did everyone go?

Quinn pulls back and looks around, like she's just noticed everyone has left.

"They wanted to leave so Kurt dropped them off," Puck explains, sounding remarkably sober. "This party kinda blows."

Santana is about to agree and say that all three of them should leave when she looks up and sees Brittany literally rolling into the room on Artie's lap. She really wants to punch that kid.

"Santana! You came."

"She will now that you're here," Puck quips and Santana punches his shoulder just as Quinn slaps the back of his head.

Brittany's words are slurred and it's pretty obvious that she's wasted, like _really_ wasted, and the brunette narrows her eyes. She's never really seen Brittany drunk before but the girl seems like she's one sip away from a blackout.

"This is...Artie," the blonde explains slowly but Santana ignores him completely.

"Brittany how much have you had to drink?"

The blonde frowns and tries to count on her fingers but it's useless. Santana tries a different approach.

"Hey Wheels, has she taken something?"

Artie laughs and Santana sees him squeeze Brittany's thigh and clearly he doesn't give a shit about whether the girl is too drunk for this. Santana's not sure what Brittany was going to do after the party or if she was going home or what but she does know that the party is over for the blonde. She's has seen too many girls do stupid things at parties that they can't take back, things they wake up regretting, and she doesn't want Brittany to feel that way tomorrow. She knows how that feels and it's fucking horrible.

"Okay," she says as she gets off her chair and bends to be eye level with the blonde. "Brittany, you're coming with me before you do something stupid."

"I like you," the blonde slurs. "Where we going?"

Good question.

Kurt had driven her here and she hadn't really thought out the rest. Figured she'd get a ride home or just stay there until the early morning buses started to run.

"Puck, have you been drinking?"

He pulls his head away from Quinn. "Nope."

Santana looks at him sceptically because it's not like he hasn't lied to her about this before.

"He hasn't," Quinn adds. "He's driving us home."

"He's probably drunk just off of your fumes. How much have _you_ had?"

Santana ignores Quinn's grimace and looks back to Puck.

"I need you to drive Brittany and I home. Like now."

.

Ten minutes later Santana is sitting in the back of Puck's car with Brittany snuggled into her side. Puck had to practically carry the blonde to the car and she'd started dozing almost as soon as the engine had started. Santana doesn't know how her night turned out this way because it's fucking ridiculous and not the ideal situation in which to have Brittany pressed up against her.

"Yo, where we dropping Blondie?"

Santana sees Puck looking at her in the rear view mirror and realises she doesn't know where Brittany lives. Fuck.

"I don't know her address."

"Well ask her."

She rolls her eyes and tries gently shaking the blonde awake. Brittany opens her eyes reluctantly.

"We need to know your address so we can drop you home."

It takes the blonde a moment to understand her but once she does she shakes her head.

"My parents...will kill me."

Santana rolls her eyes because _fucking hell_, now she's stuck with trying to find somewhere for her to stay.

"Hey Quinn, can she stay with you?"

She sees Quinn's head bob up and realises that the girl was probably drifting off as well.

"I'm staying at Puck's."

"Well can't you just go to your place instead?"

"I'm sure my dad would love that," Quinn scoffs. "Two drunk high school girls on his doorstep at three am."

Santana sighs in frustration, really not in the mood for Quinn's family bullshit.

"And as much as I'd like to say I had three ladies in my room tonight," Puck adds, "there's not enough room for all of you."

Santana sighs because she knows that means that Brittany has to stay at her place, something she had wanted to avoid at all costs. The thought of Brittany even knowing what her house looks like was bad enough a few weeks ago, but now the blonde is going to have to sleep there. Wake up there.

Thank god Ricky finally moved out and she has her own room.

.

Puck helps Santana get Brittany out of the car and up to the front door and by then the blonde is awake enough to take the few steps inside to the brunette's room with the assistance of Santana only. Santana shuffles them closer to the bed and gets Brittany to sit down then takes off the blonde's shoes. She very briefly considers whether she should take off Brittany's skirt and top and put her in some sweats or something but that just seems too intimate and also a hassle, so she pushes Brittany back gently and tells her to go to sleep, pulling the covers up around her. She leaves a glass of water next to the bed in case Brittany wakes up.

After she changes and washes her face Santana comes back into her room and finds herself hovering at the edge of her bed. She feels like a bit of a fucking loser but a girl has never actually slept in her bed with her before, not since she was a kid and definitely not in her aunt's house. She doesn't really have girlfriends or even girl friends with sleepovers and everything and on top of that she never invites them over to her aunt's house, so it's never been an issue. She's also worried about her aunt finding out and even though Santana knows the woman works early on Saturday mornings and she probably wouldn't see her until later that day she's still anxious about it. Her aunt would shit a brick and start praying and probably throw them both out of the house. If she can avoid that she could probably bribe Anita into keeping quiet.

So she grabs her pillow and a spare blanket from her closet and makes a bed on the floor. It's not the most comfortable thing but she's fucking tired and knows she'll pass out shortly. It'll do.

-x-

The next morning the thing Santana had worried would happen happens, and it's like a scene from a teen drama or something, though amazingly it's not as bad as Santana had imagined it would be.

But it's still pretty bad.

The brunette wakes up first and despite the painful kink in her neck she looks over to check on Brittany who is still out cold. Although the girl must have woken up at some point because her top is on the floor and she's just in her bra. Santana tries not to stare at the flawless skin of Brittany's back, but it's kind of hard not to. She checks the time and it's almost eight and even though she's fucking tired she doesn't want to go back to sleep. Her aunt is already at work so they're in the clear there but she knows her cousin is likely to bound in here at any minute, and she can't really kick Brittany out, so it'll be easier to deal with if Santana isn't half asleep.

She's is in the bathroom for a total of 45 seconds but it's enough for everything to go to shit.

She hears yelling in English and Spanish, mostly in Spanish, and realises that it's her aunt. Fuck. It's then that she vaguely remembers her aunt telling her that she wasn't working until late this Saturday. _Fuck_.

She races back into her room and finds her aunt standing just inside the doorway looking fucking furious and Brittany is sitting up in the bed with the covers pulled up around her looking scared shitless and like she has no fucking idea what's going on because she really doesn't. Her aunt can't see Santana's makeshift bed on the other side of the room but she can see Brittany in her bed in just her bra and she's assumed the worst. They both look to Santana for answers but before she can speak her aunt grabs her arm and roughly pulls her out of the room and into the lounge. Santana opens her mouth to explain but her aunt whips her hand up and slaps her so fucking hard across the face that it takes a few seconds to start stinging. Then it really fucking hurts but Santana barely flinches because she doesn't let anyone see her in pain. It's not the first time she's been hit and she knows how to take it.

After that the woman _really_ starts ranting in Spanish. Telling her that she is going to hell and how dare Santana bring that filth into her house while Anita sleeps and how she only took her in when her no good mother dumped her here because she promised Santana's dad on his deathbed that she would take care of her. Santana tries to explain but the woman won't shut up and doesn't want to listen and it's no use anyway. It's not just about Brittany being in her bed, it's about Santana being gay and she can't try and explain that away. Her aunt will always hate it. Always hate her for it.

So Santana stands there and takes it, feels the words wash over her and tries not to feel them, tries to count the thumping beats of her heart to distract herself from the tears that are collecting in her eyes. She sees movement in the corner and catches Anita's head poking around the corner, her brow furrowed with concern and fear. Santana fucking hates that her little cousin is seeing and hearing this. She really hopes that Brittany can't understand Spanish.

Finally her aunt runs out of steam, telling her that if she ever does anything like this again she'll kick her out and that the blonde girl better never come back to this house. Then she calls out to Anita, the little girl running into the room, before she marches them both out the door, slamming it behind her.

Santana stands there just trying to breathe for a moment, not trusting her legs to move right now. Her cheek still stings and she's sure there's a red mark across it and it feels like she's been punched in the stomach. She takes a moment to collect herself and then heads back into her room, ready to explain and apologise and hope that Brittany doesn't hate her.

When she comes back into her bedroom she finds Brittany still sitting in the same position, looking more worried than scared now that she's probably put a few things together. The brunette smiles nervously and takes a seat on the side of the bed, suddenly feeling more self conscious than she ever has in her life. Like every insecure thought she's ever had are just piling themselves on top of each other in her stomach. Brittany is here in her shitty little room looking at how crap she looks in the morning on top of what just happened with her aunt. It's too much for Santana's brain to handle.

"I'm sorry about my aunt...if she scared you. I didn't think she'd be home."

Brittany nods. "She seemed really mad."

"Yeah, she thought you and I..."

The brunette glances away, feeling a blush in her cheeks, not sure exactly how to say this even though from what Finn said at the restaurant she's pretty sure Brittany knows she's gay.

"She doesn't agree with my...she thinks being gay is wrong and she thought we...she didn't see that I'd slept on the floor."

She feels like a mumbling idiot who can't put a sentence together but knows Brittany gets the point when the girl nods her understanding.

"I'm really sorry."

She just wants to say _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_ over and over again until it somehow starts to feel better because she really doesn't want Brittany involved with any of this and the blonde doesn't deserve it.

"It's okay. I should be apologising to you for taking your bed and upsetting your aunt."

Brittany is practically mumbling and Santana can tell that she's still a little freaked out. The brunette's eyes snap up because she can't imagine why Brittany should be saying sorry. Brittany is perfect and hasn't done anything wrong and because of Santana's shitty life and fucked up family the blonde has just had to witness that.

"No, don't be silly I'm the one who needs to apologise for my family. You didn't deserve my aunt going off on you like that."

Brittany leans forward and reaches her hand out and Santana stiffens because she has no idea what the blonde is doing, but then the hand is cupping her stinging cheek gently, so fucking gently and with so much care. She surprises herself and doesn't flinch away but Brittany is holding her gaze so strongly that she doesn't even want to. Once she gets over the initial shock of Brittany touching her it feels soothing and wonderful and she relaxes into it slightly. No one has touched her with so much care in years.

"You didn't deserve that either."

Brittany's voice is soft but absolutely filled with strength and her words penetrate Santana so completely that she just feels like crumpling into a mess and crying. She feels ashamed that Brittany knows her aunt slapped her and she feels ashamed about this life that she never wanted, that she was never supposed to have. This life of working too hard for something that's never enough. Of always being told that she isn't good enough. She'd taken a lot of beatings after her father died but she was always told one thing – she _deserved_ it. And now here was Brittany, this perfect wonderful thing who should be wanting to run out of this house and never look back, telling her that she didn't deserve it. Looking at her like she matters.

It's almost too much and Santana backs away before she starts crying, standing up and moving to the other side of the bed to clear up her makeshift bed to give herself something to do and time to compose herself.

Brittany senses the mood shift and Santana is thankful when the blonde sits back and starts talking about something else.

"So what exactly happened last night? And why am I in my bra? It's all a bit fuzzy."

Santana turns and finds the blonde rubbing at her face and she doesn't seem all that fazed that she's sitting there in her bra but if she doesn't put something on Santana won't be able to string words together. The brunette goes to her closet and pulls out a fresh t-shirt, throwing it in front of Brittany on the bed.

"Here, you can put that on for a start."

Brittany thanks her with a smile and slips into the shirt and Santana feels a little tug in her stomach at seeing the girl in her clothes. It's hot. She takes a seat on the side of the bed again.

"And why did you sleep on the floor? There's plenty of room in the bed."

Santana feels her cheeks flush a little and can feel the blonde watching her.

"Didn't want to chance waking up with vomit all over me," she jokes, not daring to even come close to telling Brittany the real reason.

The blonde scrunches her nose. "Oh gross, I didn't vomit did I?"

"Nope. You must have had a lot to drink though because you were pretty wasted. Like _Puck had to practically carry you out of the party_ wasted ."

"Oh God," Brittany moans as she hides her face in her hands. "I didn't mean to drink so much I was just bored and feeling uncomfortable and waiting for you to show up and I didn't realise how much I'd had."

Santana's stomach does that flipping thing again when Brittany says she was waiting for her. Then she remembers how she found the blonde.

"You kissed that Artie kid."

Santana keeps her voice as neutral as possible. Brittany's eyes widen and it's clear that she doesn't remember that at all.

"I did?"

"Yup."

Brittany takes a deep breath. "I shouldn't have done that."

Santana shrugs because really, she has nothing to say to that. She wishes Brittany hadn't done it and Wheels is nowhere near good enough for her and someone who is good enough for her would have taken care of her last night, not behaved the way he did.

"Especially since I like someone else."

The words take a second to sink in but once they do Santana feels her heart stop. She tries not to show how disappointed she is and Brittany is just looking at her like she knows a secret that the brunette doesn't. She hopes that it's not one of her friends – Mike or Puck or god forbid, that douche Evans.

"Oh?"

Santana doesn't know why she even asks because she doesn't want to hear about the person Brittany likes, but there's also some masochistic part of her that needs to hear it.

Brittany smiles softly, like she's thinking of something lovely, and that knot in Santana's stomach is back.

"Yeah. They're really lovely and smart and very funny."

Santana's smile tightens because Brittany sounds so clearly enamoured with this boy and she really doesn't want to sit here and talk about the blonde's crush.

"And they work hard and help out their family and they really don't realise how great they are."

The brunette forces a smile and tries not to sound insincere. She hates this person. "Well, they sound great."

"They are," Brittany almost whispers and it's like a punch to her stomach.

She doesn't know what to say and she looks down at her fidgeting fingers, just wanting this conversation to end right now so that she doesn't have to think about Brittany with someone else. Santana knows she's probably being a bit obvious but she can't help it and she's getting herself worked up and is suddenly wondering how rude it would be to ask Brittany to leave because she just wants this over.

"Santana."

It's said in a soft breath that sounds all too close and when Santana glances back up Brittany is right beside her, those bright blue eyes shining with something the brunette doesn't recognise because no one has ever looked at her like this. Like she's the only person in the world. Santana feels her breath trap in her lungs.

"I like _you_, Santana."

And as if it's the simplest thing in the world, Brittany leans forward and places a soft kiss on her lips. It's gentle and wonderful and perfect and it makes every nerve in Santana's body light up but it's over too quickly, the blonde pulling away and opening her eyes to gauge the brunette's reaction.

And Santana doesn't need to be asked twice or give Brittany time to think better of it because she's already turning her body and leaning forward to hold Brittany's jaw with both hands and then pressing their lips together again. She closes her eyes and all she can feel is Brittany all around her, her soft skin and perfect lips and her angelic blonde hair brushing against her hands, and she feels like she's been waiting her whole life for a kiss like this. For Brittany's kiss. Because she doesn't believe in fairytales and love and magic and fate but if she did this kiss would be proof of them. This time there's no pulling back and there's no stopping and Santana feels Brittany's tongue brush against her lips and it sends another spark up her spine as she opens her mouth to let Brittany's tongue claim her. There's a hand at the back of her neck now, holding her close, and another on her hip and she can feel Brittany holding her gently but firmly and she just wants to melt into the blonde.

After a few minutes they break apart from their increasingly feverish kissing, both girls needing to catch their breath. Brittany places a barely there kiss on Santana's still reddened cheek and the brunette closes her eyes as her breath hitches, feeling Brittany's silent wish to take the pain of it away. She feels like kissing Brittany is everything she'll ever need and the blonde is just fucking beaming at her and Santana can't believe this is actually happening.

"So I guess that answers the question of whether you like me back," Brittany jokes and Santana laughs loudly, more than the comment calls for really but she's got so much adrenaline racing through her that she just needs an outlet for all that energy.

She fidgets with the sheets on her bed, feeling shy now that they were actually talking about feelings. She much preferred to show them.

"I had no idea you liked me," she admits softly. _Because I'm poor and my family is fucked up and I'm mean and most of the time my friends don't even like me and I have no future_, she continues in her head, her insecurities flaring.

But Brittany seems to know exactly how to comfort her, taking her hand and lacing their fingers together. Santana takes back everything she ever said about holding hands being for dicks because with Brittany it's the best fucking thing in the world.

"I've liked you since I met you," Brittany confesses a little cautiously, still looking her in the eye. "But you're kinda hard to get to know."

She squeezes Santana's hand and the brunette smirks. She knows that's an understatement. Bank vaults are easier to get inside than her heart.

"Don't tell Quinn I told you this, but she told me that you might like me. That's why I asked you about the party. I was supposed to be kissing you."

Santana shakes her head because she just knew that Quinn couldn't keep her nosey self and her big mouth out of her business, but she can't really make herself get too mad because Brittany just kissed her - she just kissed Brittany - and Brittany went to the party to kiss her and hearing that sends another flutter to her stomach.

Her eyes flick down to Brittany's lips and her mind blanks out every thought other than how soft those lips are and how much she needs to feel them and she finds herself leaning forward to capture them with her own again. She can feel Brittany smile into the kiss and she's surprised when she feels the blonde pulling her forward with her as she lays back down on the bed but there's no way she's not following. Their kiss never breaks and she settles her body half on top of Brittany's, feeling her lithe body move beneath her, one hand coming up to cup her cheek as she feels the blonde's hands move to her hips and pull her close. Brittany is sucking on her bottom lip and making these amazing sighing noises that hit Santana low in her belly but the brunette knows that it's not going any further than this today. With the way that her entire body is humming right now she doesn't know if she could even handle doing anything more than this. Santana thinks she could just kiss Brittany forever. It would be enough.

They make out like that for a while, both indulging their long held desires until their lips are numb and Santana has a red mark on her neck and both girls are talking and giggling at the way their day started and where they are now.

Santana wouldn't mind if every day ended up like this.

.

.

**So that's the end of part one...the rest should be written kinda quickly but I'm back at work now so we'll see. Let me know if you want me to post it as I go or just in one hit when it's done. That's if anyone is even reading this :P**

**Don't be shy in letting me know what you think! I can take it...probably.**

**peace out**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much for the reviews and PMs about the first chapter – sorry this took so long. Those of you who follow me on tumblr will know that my life is a bit fucked…but I literally passed up sex this weekend to write this because I felt so bad for making peeps wait. **

**So…I don't even know what this is…I kinda had a plan but then the characters did something else and it ended up waaaay longer than I thought it would so…I hope it's not too shit. I posted this in a real rush to meet a promised deadline so apologies for any mistakes!  
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Santana Lopez would never admit it to anyone because it makes her sound like a noob - but before Brittany she'd never been on an actual date before.

Sex is something she knows about. She's slept with thirteen girls, (another thing she will never admit to anyone because she feels like at seventeen maybe that number is a bit too high and creeping into Puck territory which she finds kinda shameful), and with one guy, which she'd rather forget. Puck's cousin Lucas stayed with him for a week a couple of summers ago when Santana was figuring out the whole gay thing. He was sweet and cute and she was high and curious and when it was over she threw up. Puck found out and almost killed his cousin.

She knows about sex and what to do with a girl once she gets her naked, but going out on a date was something completely foreign to her, so it freaked the hell out of her when Brittany asked her out. For some reason Santana thought she should be the one to ask, and she was going to after they had been making out on her bed for twenty minutes, but Brittany had beat her to it and she found herself nodding, whispering a yes against soft lips before capturing them again with her own.

They met at Breadstix and Santana was so nervous that she stuttered through telling Brittany how beautiful she looked and then knocked her water glass over. She could tell that Brittany was nervous too, but after they smiled awkwardly at each other and laughed at how ridiculous they were both being, the tension between them eased and Santana forgot what she was nervous about in the first place. Brittany insisted on paying when Santana tried to and cited "dating law" since she was the one to ask the brunette out. Santana tried to argue that such a thing didn't exist, and she hated the idea that Brittany wanted to pay because she knew that Santana wasn't exactly flush with cash, but was silenced pretty quickly when Brittany pressed a lingering kiss to her lips. Santana immediately knew she was in trouble, imagining Brittany getting away with any number of things by employing that tactic.

After that date they went to the movies and made out in the back and after that they went to the lake and after that it was another movie and more making out and after that they just made out at the dance studio. They've gone out a handful of times and kissed twice as many and this is all so new and confusing to Santana that she feels like she doesn't know anything anymore. She's doing and thinking and feeling things that she thought were made up for bullshit vampire romance novels.

Before Brittany, Santana thought she knew a thing or two about girls. She knows how to look like she's listening intently even when she couldn't care less. She knows how to make girls feel special with compliments and smiles and touches but also how to not be too available, always keeping them guessing. She knows how to do this thing with her tongue that makes girls scream and become practically spineless that Puck told her about when they were both high one night a couple of years ago. She knows how to make girls laugh. She knows how to not let any girl ever get too close.

But Brittany Susan Pierce makes Santana think that she doesn't know _anything_ about girls.

The girl is like no one Santana's ever met before. She's passionate and curious and clever and she doesn't play games and says exactly what she means and she's open and friendly and cares about people and animals and the environment. She likes to hold hands and sometimes she skips and she likes to link their pinky fingers together. She has this crazy and wild imagination and sometimes Santana doesn't understand why she says things or where they come from but they always make her smile. One of her favourite things about Brittany is her love of facts. They'll be sitting in the park and the blonde will tell her that more than ten people a year are killed by vending machines. Or they'll be walking and Brittany will ask her if she knows that it costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill. Or that Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. She's constantly reeling off little tidbits of information and Santana finds herself interested in things she'd never thought about before. What Santana likes best is that every now and then Brittany will say something like, _did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?,_ or she'll talk about how elves are really just Santa's slaves just to make her laugh. Santana never lets herself be silly, but it's easy with Brittany. She doesn't have to worry about how she looks or where she comes from because Brittany makes her feel like none of that matters.

That's the most bewildering and bewitching thing Brittany does, the thing that makes Santana really feel like her heart might just fill so full and float up into the sky - the way that Brittany just looks at her. Santana doesn't even know how to describe it, but Brittany looks at her with this absolute trust, this adoration and appreciation that the brunette hasn't seen and felt for as long as she can remember. She knows there was a time when she was loved by her parents, before her father died and her world changed completely, but she can't _feel_ that anymore. It's just a memory. But the way Brittany gazes at her, so unguarded and honest, Santana has never felt anything like it.

It makes her feel like she's worth something.

That scares the shit out of her.

The thing is...Santana doesn't know if Brittany is her girlfriend or not. She thinks she wants her to be, but she's not sure if she's supposed to ask…or if it's just assumed…or if it's too soon. Is three weeks too soon? Then that leads her to wondering whether Brittany is seeing anyone else, which she doesn't think she would be because surely Quinn would have told her if she was, but the swirling thoughts give her a headache and it's not something she really wants to be thinking about when she's got Brittany in her lap kissing her like crazy like she does right now.

So instead Santana tries to blank out everything other than what she can feel right now – Brittany's tongue against her own, pressing and exploring and claiming her. Or the subtle roll of Brittany's hips, her own hands gripping the blonde's ass and pulling her closer. Brittany moans and it echoes around the empty dance studio, both girls eventually pulling away for air, recognising that things have gotten a little too heated.

They make out a lot, mostly in Brittany's car or at the studio, but in three weeks it hasn't gone any further than a bit of over the bra action. Not that Santana's complaining really. She thought she would be, but honestly, just being lucky enough to kiss Brittany is enough for her. Puck is continually giving her shit about it but she just tells him to fuck off. She wants to do things right with Brittany, and though she's not always exactly sure what that right thing is, she does know that rushing into sex isn't it.

But at times like this, when Brittany's face is flushed and her chest is heaving and her eyes are dark and her pink lips swollen from so much delicious kissing, it's really hard to hold back.

Santana closes her eyes and takes a deep breath because she knows she has to. She especially doesn't want their first time to be in a sweaty dance studio. She'd been sitting on a chair along the side watching Brittany dance, something she's taken to doing whenever she can, and she must have had some kind of hungry look on her face because Brittany had caught it and sauntered over, lowering herself down into Santana's lap and pulling her into a heated kiss. That was twenty minutes ago.

When Santana opens her eyes again a moment later Brittany is staring at her with a lopsided grin.

"What?"

The blonde shrugs and brushes some hair from Santana's forehead.

"I really like kissing you."

Santana feels that fantastic flipping in her stomach again and leans forward to place a quick kiss on Brittany's lips. She's never known anyone who is as comfortable with being themselves and saying whatever is on their mind as Brittany is and it's wonderful.

"I like kissing you too." She presses their lips together again, a little longer this time. "I really like it."

-x-

It takes approximately five seconds of the bus entering Brittany's neighbourhood for Santana to feel like this whole thing is a really fucking stupid idea. She knows she doesn't belong here and can't help but feel like everyone else on the bus knows it too and is wondering what the hell she's doing here. What someone like her is doing in this neighbourhood. She tugs on the hem of her dress and despite the fact that she knows she looks hot it in, it suddenly matters much more that it's a couple of years old now and the colour has faded a bit, not to mention the fact that it's not from an expensive label. Just like her shoes and her bag. Just like everything she owns. Well, the things she and Puck haven't stolen. So far Brittany hasn't made a thing of Santana being from Lima Heights, they haven't even really discussed what happened that morning with her aunt because the times Brittany tried Santana shut her down immediately out of shame, and besides feeling a bit nervous with the amount of money in her purse and being able to pay for dates Santana hasn't felt like it's been an issue either. Stuff like that just doesn't seem to matter when she's around Brittany.

But tonight is different.

For the last couple of months the two of them have been in this little bubble, unconcerned with anyone around them, and Santana hasn't felt any judgement about who she is or where she comes from. But now here she is, almost at Brittany's house so that they can go to a party together. A McKinley party. A party mostly filled with rich douchebags from nice families, and despite the fact that Quinn and Puck and some of her other friends will be there, Santana knows that most of the McKinley dicks think she's trash and she still can't figure out why Brittany doesn't. She can't shake the fear that once they're around other people Brittany will finally come to her senses and want nothing to do with her.

The bus pulls to a stop, drawing Santana from her thoughts and she has to hustle off before the driver closes the doors. She almost trips on the step down from the bus and hopes that it wasn't too noticeable, but then the driver calls out and asks if she's okay and she just nods and tells him that she's fine, not daring to look back at the people through the windows and feel the embarrassment even further. She hears the bus take off and closes her eyes, taking a steadying breath and wondering why she's suddenly turned into such a spaz. She thinks she probably should have taken Brittany up on her offer to pick her up but she didn't want Brittany coming to her house again so soon after the last fiasco. And truthfully, she's kind of curious about where Brittany lives and knows her parents and sister are back in Columbus for the weekend so she doesn't have to worry about any excruciatingly awkward meet the parents scenario. That wouldn't have ended well, considering most of her friend's parents don't even like her. Hell, one of her own didn't. It probably would have also involved her and Brittany having _the talk_ about the status of their relationship, something Santana has managed to avoid so far. It's not that she doesn't want to make things official with Brittany but it's been like two months and things are pretty fucking great, and she's never done this before and Brittany hasn't mentioned anything, so she doesn't want to do the wrong thing and screw this up.

She adjusts her bag on her shoulder and gives herself a little pep talk, reminding herself that she is Santana Lopez and she has game and can handle her shit.

That lasts about another three minutes until she rounds the corner and sees Brittany's house. The place is fucking huge. Santana knew it had to be big but Jesus Christ it's like the white house or something. It must be the biggest house in Lima, much bigger than Quinn's and the Berry's and bigger than any house Santana's been to for a party.

She kind of just stands there for a moment in awe, wondering what the inside must look like if the outside looks like this. It's then that the insecurities hit her full force. What must Brittany have thought about the little shitbox Santana lives in with her aunt and cousin? Santana never even had her own room until a few months ago but she's pretty sure that Brittany's house is big enough for everyone to have their own wing. Just like every other house on the block the garden is perfectly manicured and nothing is out of place.

Before her thoughts can spiral too much though, the front door is opening and Brittany is there, that bright, beautiful smile on her face.

Brittany greets her and waves her over, the gesture breaking Santana from her thoughts and forcing her legs to move, albeit a little gingerly. But she doesn't even get halfway to the door before Brittany has already wrapped her up in a hug, too excited to wait, then pulling back just enough to push their lips together briefly.

She smells and tastes like strawberry and it's completely intoxicating. Santana's fears immediately evaporate and she leans forward to chase Brittany's lips just as the blonde pulls back. She pouts but Brittany giggles and shakes her head, eyes scanning the neighbourhood around them and Santana gets the message, slipping her hand into Brittany's and allowing her to pull her inside.

At first Santana doesn't even notice the house as they enter, her eyes too fixated on the way Brittany's ass looks in her dress as she follows along behind her, but as soon as she steps into the foyer she almost gasps as she takes in her surroundings. Everything is crisp and white and modern and glass and much like the outside of the house there is nothing out of place. It barely looks lived in, like some kind of display home or modern art gallery, and Santana suddenly feels like she shouldn't touch anything just in case she breaks it and has to pay for it. It's perfect, just like everything in Brittany's life, and Santana has never felt more out of place.

"Fucking hell," she mutters as she takes another step, her eyes darting around the house.

Brittany just kind of laughs, like she's used to that reaction.

"Yeah, it's a bit…" she pauses, her gaze sweeping around like Santana's did except hers seems even more hesitant, "…_different_ than our last house."

"Your old house wasn't a sprawling mansion?"

Brittany shakes her head. "Not like this. I guess house prices here are cheaper than in Columbus? Plus, I think my dad just wanted to have the biggest house in town."

Her eyes flicker down and Santana catches the way her shoulders deflate slightly.

"He cares a lot about how things look to other people."

Santana's not sure how to respond but she can sense that there's a lot more to Brittany's comment about her dad. She knows she's rubbish at offering comforting words though, so the two of them just stand there awkwardly for a moment while Santana tries to think of something not too idiotic to say. Brittany beats her to it, reaching out for her hand and pulling her forward.

"Come on, I'll show you the best room in the house."

.

When Santana finds out that that room is Brittany's bedroom, she couldn't agree more, and not just for the obvious reason. It's more that Brittany's room looks like it doesn't even belong in the house. It doesn't look like Pillsbury the OCD Queen has come through and put everything in order. There is colour on the walls, prints of dancers but also some movie and band posters. There's a cluttered bookcase, a TV with a couple of DVDs lying on top of it and a desk that's probably more cluttered than the bookcase. Everything still looks incredibly expensive, and it's about four times as big as her own bedroom, but it's a lot more comfortable and relaxed compared to the rest of what Santana has seen of the house. She smiles because it seems so perfectly Brittany, and she can feel some of her insecurities about the differences in their lives start to fade away again.

Brittany tells Santana to take a seat on her bed while she finishes up getting ready and then blushes adorably when Santana tells her that she already looks so beautiful and sexy. Brittany slinks back over and uses two fingers to tilt Santana's chin up, leaning down and pressing a proper kiss to her lips to make up for the brief one outside. A hand cups her jaw and Santana brings her own up to Brittany's hips, pulling gently as she tries to lay back and encourage Brittany to follow her.

But she can feel Brittany's smile against her lips and the way she's resisting, leaning back up and pulling away with a shake of her head. She reminds Santana that they have a party to get to and the brunette relents, taking a deep breath and laying back on the bed waiting for Brittany to get ready.

-x-

The party is the first real test for them as a couple or _whatever_ they are, out in the real world amongst their peers, and of course Santana fucks up within the first hour. They'd walked there since it isn't far from Brittany's house and that way they could both drink and not worry about how they were getting home. They hadn't exactly talked about what would happen once they got back to Brittany's house but Santana had brought along a toothbrush and change of underwear just in case. Not that staying the night seemed likely anymore after her stupid fucking brain fart.

It seemed just like every other party Santana had been to but there was an extra swirling of anticipation in her stomach as she walked through the house with Brittany's hand in hers, trying not to grip too tightly. They said hello to some people as they tried to find Puck and Quinn, mostly McKinley kids that kept stopping Brittany to say hi and Brittany was nothing but gracious and friendly, but would introduce Santana without defining their relationship. Santana didn't know what the fuck to make of that. Part of her was hoping that Brittany would just claim her as her girlfriend so that she wouldn't have to do the hard part, but that didn't seem to be happening. Santana wasn't sure what was happening, but she knew it made her stomach swirl a little more…and not in a good way.

Things got worse after they'd found their friends and had a couple of drinks. Santana had excused herself to go to the bathroom, declining Brittany's offer to accompany her because the blonde was in the middle of telling Quinn a story and she didn't want to interrupt. It took her fifteen minutes to find it but she eventually did and she was almost back to her friends when she ran into Jess. Jess lives in another county but has friends in Lima so she often comes to their parties and she and Santana had hooked up a couple of times. Santana hadn't seen her in a while and didn't want to be a complete dick so she made some small talk, her eyes glancing over Jess' shoulder every so often to find Brittany's and offer her a smile. But it quickly became clear that Jess was interested in more than small talk when the lingering touches started. Santana took a step back and was about to tell Jess to do the same but then Brittany was there, with a smile on her face that all three of them could tell was fake, her eyes darting between the two other girls. Jess picked up on the tension pretty quickly and incredulously asked if Santana Lopez actually had a girlfriend, like it was the most absurd fucking prospect in the world, which is where Santana first fucked up. Because instead of doing what she should have done, which was claim Brittany as her girlfriend and make that known to Jess and anyone else at the party, she totally bitched out. She let all her insecurities about Brittany's world flood her brain and then in a _completely_ idiotic attempt to save face in front of a girl she doesn't give a shit about she threw out some cocky line about how Brittany and her were just having fun.

Brittany did not like that.

She stared at Santana like she couldn't believe what had just been said and then stormed off into another room, leaving Santana to drop her head back and smack herself in the forehead while Jess chuckled and felt the need to point out just how badly Santana had fucked up. Like she needed to be told. Part of her wanted to chase after Brittany and make it better but she felt like they both needed to cool off first because they'd probably just end up yelling at each other.

Which is why she's now pacing along the pavement outside the house while Puck and Quinn sit on the fence and watch on, exchanging curious glances and getting more and more impatient for her to speak.

"Lopez, are you going to explain why you dragged us out here or what?" Quinn asks again, irritation creeping into her tone.

"Actually, I dragged Puck out here Fabray and _you_ tagged along despite me telling you to fuck off so you can shut your fucking hole."

"Hey," Puck calls out admonishingly.

"Alright," Santana relents, realising her comment was a bit harsh, but that is as much of an apology as Quinn is going to get and they all know it.

She paces for another minute and then comes to a stop because she can't put this off forever and she's getting cold out here.

"I don't know if Brittany's my girlfriend."

Puck and Quinn stare back at her for a silent moment and Santana doesn't know what the fuck to think, and then the two assholes erupt in laughter right in front of her, which doesn't exactly help with how stupid she's already feeling.

She grunts and kicks the fence. "Fuck you both, this isn't funny. Some girl asked me if Brittany was my girlfriend right in front of her and I said some stupid fucking thing that made it seem like Brittany was just _another girl_."

Santana is too pissed off and embarrassed to look up but the laughter quickly dies down when Puck and Quinn comprehend the extent of the situation.

"Well that was fucking stupid of you."

Santana lets that one from Quinn slide because she knows Brittany is her friend. And besides, it's totally true.

But when Quinn speaks again it's with a surprising amount of compassion.

"What do you mean you don't know if she's your girlfriend?"

Santana huffs out a breath. She doesn't want to talk about any of this, especially with fucking Quinn Fabray, but she knows she needs to sort this shit out today.

"I _mean_ it's been like two months and everything has been great but Brittany hasn't mentioned anything about being my girlfriend. I don't know if I'm supposed to ask her or why she hasn't asked me. Maybe she doesn't want me to ask her. And why the fuck can't she ask me? Are we even supposed to ask each other or after a certain time does it just become a thing? And then I think maybe there's a reason why she hasn't asked me, and maybe that reason is because she's fucking rich and perfect and I'm some scrub orphan from Lima Heights with nothing to offer and maybe she's ashamed of me or something, I don't know…"

She runs out of breath and realises she's been rambling and her embarrassment grows. She really does not want to be talking about any of this shit because she doesn't like feelings and she _really_ doesn't like talking about them…but she likes Brittany a lot more than any of that. Probably more than she even thought she did.

"Jesus Lopez, when the fuck did you turn into a girl?"

Santana scowls and kicks Puck's feet where they dangle from the fence at the same time as Quinn slaps the back of his head.

"Hey!"

"Why don't you just talk about this stuff with Brittany?" Quinn offers gently.

"Maybe because I'll sound like just as much of a fucking spaz as I did just now and then she'll totally not want to even be my girlfriend?"

"Jesus Lopez, you're a fucking ten and Brittany's all over it so grow some balls and get your woman you fucking pus-"

Quinn gives Puck another slap to the head.

"Stop doing that!"

"I think what this idiot is trying to say is that, despite the fact that you are surly and rude and defensive and abrasive, Brittany _really_ likes you. So what if her family is rich? This isn't Downton Abbey, Santana, she can date whoever she wants and for some reason she wants that person to be you."

Santana is at war with herself because instinctively she really wants to tell Quinn to fuck off, but realistically she knows that she should appreciate her help with this feelings crap. Puck is obviously useless.

"Well if she likes me so much why hasn't she asked me?"

She feels so pathetic even asking, but she's hoping that since Quinn and Brittany are friends Quinn might have some insight into the situation.

But the other girl just shrugs. "I don't know…but maybe you guys should talk about it."

Santana chews on her bottom lip and nods, knowing that Quinn is right. Like fuck she'll ever say that out loud though, but she does thank her, which seems to come as a surprise to the other girl.

"I still don't like you," Santana adds, uncomfortable with this changed dynamic between them.

Quinn lets out a chuckle but then tries her best to look stern. "I'm only helping you so that you'll leave me and my boyfriend alone for the night."

Santana glances up and they share a rare smile before she nods and starts walking back up to the house to find Brittany, hearing Puck yell, "Go get your girl", from behind her.

Finding Brittany doesn't prove to be too difficult, especially since she's sitting with Mercedes and Kurt and Mike where they've been pretty much since they arrived. She walks over and takes a deep breath, faltering slightly when Brittany notices her and her smile turns into a scowl.

Her other friends greet her but Brittany is quite obviously doing her best to ignore her, and it would almost be adorable if it didn't make Santana's stomach knot unpleasantly.

She takes another breath and goes for broke, because what the fuck else is she going to do?

"Hey guys, do you mind if I steal my girlfriend for a bit?"

None of her friends even seem to notice the word but blue eyes immediately snap to hers and Santana tries her best to seem apologetic and remorseful, holding out her hand for Brittany to take.

"You wanna go for a walk?"

Her arm hangs out there for a moment, a moment that stretches on far too fucking long for Santana's liking, and her heart is beating like she's just done a shit ton of speed. But then Brittany's soft hand slides into hers and she can breathe again.

They're both silent as she leads them out of the house, spotting Puck and Quinn making out where they were when she left them, and then hearing what she knows is Puck's wolf whistle as her and Brittany continue down the street.

They walk a few houses clear of the party before Santana finally speaks.

"What I said to Jess was stupid. I just didn't know if I could call you my girlfriend."

Brittany baulks, pulling her hand away and crossing her arms over her chest.

"It didn't really seem like you wanted me to be your girlfriend half an hour ago when you were talking to another girl."

This isn't going exactly like Santana thought it would and she doesn't like being accused of what she thinks she's being accused of. She feels her anger creeping in and struggles to keep it out of her voice. She and Brittany have never even come close to a fight and she doesn't want this to turn into a big one.

"You think I'm interested in Jess?"

Brittany comes to a complete stop and turns to her.

"Have you ever hooked up with her?"

Santana's eyes widen and the laugh of disbelief from Brittany tells her that she just made the answer obvious. Fuck. That's totally not fair.

"Hey, that was before I even knew you existed! And I'm not the one who was making out with a cripple."

Brittany's mouth drops open in shock.

Shit. Santana didn't mean to say that.

"Real nice."

Brittany storms off further down the street, leaving Santana to squeeze her eyes shut and whisper-yell "FUCK!" into the night.

She chases after the other girl, tugging on her arm and pulling her to a stop. She really wants to fix this and just have Brittany look at her the way she did two hours ago. How did this go to shit so quickly?

"Look Britt, I'm sorry. That was an asshole thing for me to say and the thing I said to Jess about us just having fun was an ever bigger asshole thing to say. And I'm not even mad about what happened with Wheels, but whatever happened with me and Jess, or me and any other girl was before I even met you and doesn't have anything to do with my life now. You don't have to worry about me hooking up with a girl behind your back. I thought you knew that."

Santana hopes she sounds as sincere as she really is. She may have struggled to be the commitment type before Brittany, but she'd never cheat. She knows she wouldn't. Even when they're in this fucked up limbo land of not-yet-girlfriends.

After a tense moment she watches Brittany sigh and the way her shoulders deflate a little, like the anger is drawing out of her.

"I do know that," Brittany says softly. "I'm sorry too."

She tentatively reaches out and laces her fingers with Santana's, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to be my girlfriend?" Santana asks, all curiosity and no accusation.

Brittany shrugs. "I didn't know if that's what you wanted. I know you don't really have girlfriends and you never mentioned it…I just didn't want you to feel pressured or anything."

Santana winces, hating that she and Brittany ever had that talk about their exes and Santana's lack of them because she just had girls. It'd sounded so bad she'd wanted to punch herself in the face.

"Britt, that's not why I didn't ask you. I wanted to, I just…" Santana sighs, "I've never done this before…and it's not like we're on a level playing field."

"What do you mean?"

Brittany has her nose scrunched in the most adorable way and all Santana wants to do is kiss her, but she knows this is not the time for that.

"I mean…" Santana exhales loudly.

Fuck it, she wants to fix this and make things right.

"I mean you're totally out of my league Brittany. Your house is twenty times as big as mine. You have a family that loves you and I have one that puts up with me because they know I have no one else. You're smart and talented and so beautiful and charming and you could have anyone you want. Someone better than me."

"San," Brittany whispers sadly.

Santana shakes her head and stares at the ground, feeling like an idiot and hating the waver of emotion that had been in her voice.

Brittany steps forward and Santana realises that while she was pouring her heart out she'd moved away from the other girl. A warm hand squeezes around hers and it takes a second for Santana to let herself look up at Brittany, shame and embarrassment weighing heavily on her.

"You never let me apologise for what happened at the restaurant."

Santana instantly knows what Brittany is talking about and she shakes her head and tries to pull away. She doesn't want to talk about that.

But Brittany doesn't let her move, holding on tighter and pulling her closer.

"San you don't have anything to be embarrassed about, and I shouldn't have just sat there and I'm so so sorry if you think that anything Finn Hudson said or anything I did makes you think that I care about _any_ of that stuff. Because I don't. It doesn't matter where you live or where I live or what our families are like or what other people think because I like you and I want you to be my girlfriend and I'm _so_ sorry if you ever thought that I didn't."

Santana can feel her heart jackhammering in her chest and she can't tear her gaze away from the way Brittany's eyes are blazing with honesty and hope.

"And it's almost kind of funny in a way because I was worried that you were too cool and stuff for me, because I'm a blonde cheerleader and there are plenty of those around, and I know I'm kind of weird and I thought you would get sick of me. I had no idea that you were worried about the same thing. Well, I mean you weren't worried about being a blonde cheerleader, but you know what I mean. Worried about not being good enough. Which is totally silly because you like me and I like you and nothing else should matter right? So will you be my girlfriend?"

Santana feels her heart swell in her chest and her lips curl up into a smile. She answers the best way possible – by kissing the crap out of her girlfriend.

-x-

"You know," Brittany begins teasingly, her index finger gently trailing the lines on Santana's palm, "We've been laying here for like two hours and I think I've told you everything there is to know about me. I'm one second away from making up a story about being trapped in the sewers last summer. It's your turn now."

Santana laughs and scrunches her nose, loving how silly her girlfriend is. Girlfriend. The word still scares her a bit because she's terrified of fucking this up, but it's been pretty fucking great so far.

After they'd made up with lots of kissing in the street Brittany had suggested they go back to her place and asked Santana to stay the night. She'd nodded immediately, wanting to stay in this lovely bubble with Brittany for as long as possible. She didn't even care if they had sex, which they didn't, but they did fool around a bit and that was pretty awesome. Since then they'd been laying beside each other on Brittany's bed while Santana asked question after question, wanting to know everything about her girlfriend. She knew Brittany was indulging her and that it would be her turn to answer questions sooner or later. That time seemed to be now.

She takes a deep breath and turns her hand, slipping her fingers through Brittany's and lacing them together. She likes holding Brittany's hands, they're soft but strong and reassuring. They make Santana think about cheesy love songs and Brittany being able to catch her if she fell and she wants to roll her eyes at herself because that's like fifty paces over the line of pathetic.

"Okay, fire away."

She almost giggles at the excitement in Brittany's eyes. The blonde brings her free hand up to her chin and rubs it comically.

"Hmm…favourite Disney movie?"

"Going right for the important stuff huh?"

Brittany pokes her tongue out quickly and Santana leans closer and presses a kiss to her nose.

"Aladdin. I can relate to a story where the beautiful princess totally has the hots for the sexy street rat."

"Oh, you think Aladdin's sexy huh?"

"Next question?"

"Favourite subject at school?"

"Bio."

"First pet you ever had?"

"A fish called poop."

"What? You did not have a fish called poop."

"Yup. I was seven and thought poop was the funniest word in the universe."

Brittany smirks. "It is pretty funny. Okay, who was your first kiss?"

"Puck," Santana admits with disgust while Brittany chuckles.

"I'm gonna have to hear that story."

Santana rolls her eyes because kissing her best friend isn't a pleasant memory. Even if it happened when they were barely teenagers.

"We were thirteen and Puck had been kissing girls for a year already. Then one afternoon he told me that he'd kissed Melody Bostick and she'd never kissed anyone before and didn't know what to do and he said she was a bad kisser. And I'd never kissed anyone before so I started to worry that my first kiss with someone I liked would be shit, so Puck offered to school me. It wasn't pleasant and we never talk about it."

Brittany leans in and kisses her, sucking Santana's bottom lip between her own a little before pulling away.

"I guess I should thank Puck then."

"Gross. Next question?"

"What's your favourite thing about working at the restaurant?"

Santana scoffs. "I feel like there's an oxymoron in there somewhere."

"You're an oxymoron. Come on, there must be something you like about it? Maybe a regular that tips well? Or working with Kurt?"

It takes a second for Santana to push past her overwhelming hatred of the place, and it's not something she's ever really thought about before, but she does have a favourite customer.

"My favourite regular is April Rhodes."

Brittany's nose does that adorable crinkle. "The trophy wife of that Japanese Businessman?"

"You know her?"

"I met her at one of my mum's dinner parties. I think she was pretty wasted."

"Yeah, she's always like that. But she's actually really funny. And she used to work at the restaurant so she treats me like her little sister or something and she's always teaching me little tips and tricks. And she leaves really big tips. Although one time she handed me a couple of pills and a joint which was pretty rad."

Brittany's eyebrows shoot up. "So do you like…take drugs?"

Santana can tell that Brittany's trying to keep the judgement out of her voice, but it kinda seems like it's not something she'd be happy about. Santana doesn't want to lie though.

"Sometimes. Mostly just weed."

Brittany nods. "Okay."

"I haven't since we got together though," Santana hastens to add. She doesn't want Brittany thinking she's high half the time.

"Good," Brittany says softly, and Santana makes up her mind that there will be no more recreational drugs in her future.

"Anymore questions for me?" she asks, wiggling her eyebrows and trying to lighten the mood again.

"Why aren't you friends with Rachel Berry anymore?"

Santana's eyes widen and she feels her breath catch in her chest. She hadn't been expecting that question. And it certainly didn't help lighten the mood. Brittany looks hesitant, like she's worried that she's done the wrong thing and pushed too far and that Santana will shut down again.

Santana's family and her friendship with Rachel are two subjects they've never talked about. She never really talks about them with anyone. Brittany hasn't asked and Santana knows it's not because she's not interested, but the brunette has steered any conversation well away from it. It's less that she doesn't want to talk about Rachel and more that she knows it will probably lead to questions about her family, and that's definitely something she doesn't want to talk about right now.

But Brittany is looking at her in that _way_ she does, that adoring and trusting way that lets Santana know that the only reason she's asking is because she wants to know her. And for the first time in her life Santana wants that too. So she takes a deep, steadying breath.

"Rachel and I grew up together."

She smiles at the surprise on Brittany's face.

"We used to live on the same block in Lima Heights and she was as dirt poor as the rest of us. Then Mr Berry…"

Santana leans a little closer and whispers conspiratorially.

"…who is a total closet case by the way…"

Brittany smirks.

"…inherited a chunk of change from some dead relative, bought the restaurant and moved his family up out of that hole."

She pauses, willing steel into her voice because she can already feel the rush of emotion just thinking about what's coming next.

"They moved away when we were six, just before my dad died."

Santana watches the way Brittany's eyes soften and has to look away, knowing she'll never finish the story without tears if she keeps looking into those blue eyes.

"We promised we'd stay friends even though we didn't get to see each other much. But then she made new friends at her fancy new school and didn't have time for me. She was too busy with her rich new friends I guess. That's how it all started and it just got worse from there as we got older."

She doesn't think she's ready to tell Brittany about what really started this feud with Rachel. About what happened for Rachel's eighth birthday when she'd told Santana that she wasn't having a party, but when Santana and Puck had taken a bus all the way over to the hills to surprise her and bring her a present, they'd found Rachel's house filled with kids. She did have a party. She just didn't want Santana to be there. Even though it was almost ten years ago now, Santana still hates to think about it. It still hurts like a bitch that even at eight years old someone thought she wasn't good enough. No wonder taking the bus to Brittany's house had her shitting bricks.

Brittany doesn't say anything for long while, her fingers brushing through Santana's hair as the brunette tries to compose herself and stop her stomach from knotting so tight. She can't remember feeling this vulnerable for a long time and she fucking hates it because now Brittany can see how weak she is and she could squash her if she wanted to. But it also kind of feels amazing, like the ever present weight on her chest has eased a little. It's still there, she thinks it'll probably always be there…but it's a lot lighter with Brittany so close.

She's not sure what she was expecting Brittany to say in response, but she should have known that the most perfect girl ever would have the most perfect response, because Brittany just wraps her arms around her and kisses her hair, whispering the one thing Santana has always needed to hear.

"I won't leave you."

.

.

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><p><strong>I hope that was okay! I kinda hate making Rachel the bad guy because I really do love her on the show. Thanks for reading and please review if you've got a minute…and if you want to leave critical reviews or PMs I don't mind, (I know this story isn't the epitome of talent), but don't be an asshole about it…have some respect.<strong>

**I'm on a bit of a roll with this now so hopefully the next chapter should be up within the week…there's maybe two parts left….next time we meet Brittany's family…I'm sure nothing could go wrong there :P**

**Hit me up on tumblrino if you feel like it! everything-is-funnier-lying-down. tumblr. com**

**:)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry this took much longer than I initially thought it would when I posted the last chapter…if you follow my tumblr then you know why. Thanks for understanding and sticking with me.**

**I wrote this chapter completely sober so if it's shit blame my pre-christmas detox…and if it's better then…well no, I can't guarantee that in future I won't write while I'm halfcut.**

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><p>.<p>

.

Santana's never been in love or even remotely close to it, so the thought that she might be in love with Brittany doesn't really occur to her until her chubby little cousin asks her if she is.

They've been sitting in the studio watching Brittany dance, Santana's eyes following her girlfriend's every step like they always do, the lines of her arms and the quiet strength in her legs and the graceful way every part of her body moves. Santana loves watching her dance and she and Anita usually hang back for at least half an hour after Anita's class has finished so that she can watch her, depending on what kind of lie she can concoct for her aunt about why they're home so late. Sometimes Anita joins in but sometimes she's just as content to watch Brittany dance as Santana is, although the eight year old is admiring her in a much different way.

"Do you love Brittany?"

Anita's question comes out of nowhere, (just a second ago she was rambling about which member of One Direction was the cutest), and Santana stutters, not sure what the fuck to say. She's not sure if she can even answer that.

But Anita is persistent. "She's your girlfriend isn't she?"

Santana gets even more flustered because she's never talked about this with Anita – Brittany being her girlfriend or the fact that Santana has a girlfriend and not a boyfriend. She knows Anita saw and heard what happened that morning when her aunt found Brittany in her bed, but they don't kiss in front of her and they try not to be affectionate. Holding hands sometimes and mostly innocent touches is as far as they go. Santana doesn't want Anita running her mouth about it to her aunt, who definitely doesn't want to hear it, and it might be the final straw to kick Santana out of the house. Plus, if she's being honest, Santana's also worried that Anita might feel the same way about it as her aunt does…and she doesn't know if she'd be able to deal with that shit as well. She might not have much of a family, but it's all she fucking has and she doesn't want to lose any more of them.

So she decides to try and suss out how her cousin might feel about it and what she knows before copping to anything.

"Why do you think Brittany is my girlfriend?

Anita just rolls her eyes, like Santana just asked the stupidest fucking question ever.

"Me and Lucy were spying on her sister on the phone and Tina told Mercedes that Brittany is your girlfriend and Lucy said that means you're a les-bean…"

Anita's little nose scrunches like she's not sure she's pronounced it right.

This time it's Santana's turn to roll her eyes. She decides to ignore the lesbian part and instead focus on the fact that her cousin and her best friend are little fucking snoops, hoping to distract Anita. She had no idea eight year olds even thought about any of that shit.

"You two little sneaks need to stop spying on people."

"Mama said a girl can't love another girl because God said it's a sin and Jesus didn't die for us so that we can keep doing sins."

The words flow so innocently from Anita's mouth but they knock the fuck out of Santana, so much so that she almost feels the need to gasp for air. She hates that her aunt has been filling her cousins' head with this bullshit. What defence does an eight year old have against that kind of fucking brainwashing?

She feels the anger surge through her and there is so much that she wants to say. She wants to recite the lines from the bible that she memorised that prove how stupid and contradictory the whole fucking thing is and she wants to tell her cousin about the horrible _horrible_ things religion has been responsible for and she wants to tell Anita that she shouldn't listen to bigots who spread their hate because they're so scared of anything they don't understand.

But Santana knows she can't. She knows none of it would mean much to an eight year old who has been taught different her whole life and she knows that if Anita ever whispered a word of it to her aunt she would be kicked out for sure.

After the initial blinding fury though, Santana realises that Anita didn't sound malicious. She sounded like she was just regurgitating something she'd heard many times before without giving it much thought or credence.

"Do you think what your mama said is true?" Santana dares to ask, holding her breath for the answer that she fears might shatter more of the small part of her heart that is still intact.

Anita doesn't answer right away, her eyes following Brittany as she continues to dance, her little feet in her well worn sneakers dangling off the chair and kicking to the beat. Then she shrugs, a smile spreading across her face and Santana feels herself relax just a little.

"Brittany is awesome and she's the bestest dancer I've ever seen and you're nicer when you're around her."

That's all Anita seems to want to say on the matter and Santana finally lets herself exhale, allowing most of the tension to leave her body.

She thinks that Anita might not be so annoying after all…and maybe her cousin's not as dumb as she thought she was.

-x-

Anita's innocent question sparks something in Santana though, and it's all she can think about for the next few days. Does she love Brittany? Santana's never thought about whether she loves someone or not. She thinks she knows what it's like to love your family and Puck, (because that's just what you're supposed to feel for people you've known your whole life isn't it?), but what she feels for Brittany is so very different. She wants to be around Brittany all the time and seeing Brittany happy makes her happy. Her stomach does that annoying-but-actually-now-it's-really-nice flipping thing whenever Brittany looks at her…or sometimes just when Santana even thinks of her girlfriend.

They haven't even had sex yet because unlike Santana, Brittany is a good girl and she told the brunette that she wants them to really know each other and share an emotional intimacy before they have the ultimate physical intimacy. If any other girl had said that to her she would have laughed and found another girl to fuck, (because she has been kinda going out of her mind with how horny she's been feeling), but with Brittany it's different.

She finds herself actually wanting that emotional intimacy. She wants to know Brittany and she wants Brittany to know her…even all the ugly dark stuff that she hates. Santana can't imagine her life without Brittany anymore which is really fucking stupid when she thinks about it because like, she's known Brittany for less than six months and they've only been dating a bit over three and she lived seventeen years without Brittany Susan Pierce so it shouldn't be so hard to think of her life without her again. It's not a pleasant metaphor, but Brittany is like a cancer…but in a good way if there is such a thing. That's the only way Santana can describe it, because she lived the same way for years, never letting anyone close…and then somehow Brittany got inside of her and started growing and changed up how everything fucking works. Santana is feeling things she never even thought were real outside of song lyrics and romantic comedies, and it's like the more she gives into it the more she wants and the more she finds herself thinking and feeling and doing things she never thought she would.

So she's kind of been avoiding Brittany these last few days because she feels like she needs to clear this shit from her head or she might do something really fucking stupid like tell the girl that she loves her…but does she love her? How do you even know if you love someone? Does all that stuff she feels for Brittany equal love?

Every time Santana thinks about any of it she ends up groaning with frustration and rubbing the heels of her palms into her eyes until she sees stars. It's moments like these where she wishes she had her mum or a girl friend she could talk to about all this feelings crap. Puck is useless and Quinn is probably the closest thing she has to someone like that but there's no way she's talking about any of this with her again. Since that party where Santana confessed to Quinn and Puck that she didn't know if Brittany was her girlfriend the two of them have teased her mercilessly. She knows she pretty much deserves it given the endless amount of shit she has given them about everything, but still, she's not going to willingly put herself up for that again.

And none of that even addresses the monumentally important question of whether Brittany is in love with her. She doesn't want to be one of those pathetic dopes who tells someone they love them only to get an awkward _thank you_ in return because they're so fucking blinded by love that they didn't realise the other person only kinda liked them. She's survived some shit but she doesn't know if she could handle that.

Let's be real; Santana knows she's not exactly most people's definition of a catch. She aint going to college unless she wins the lottery and she'll probably end up working at The Berry's restaurant until she's sixty-five and living alone in government housing with ten cats, while Brittany goes on to hook up with the talented and gorgeous choreographer of one of her shows when they're working late one night, and then they get hitched and have a bunch of little Brittany's and the whole family will look like they're straight out of a catalogue.

(Not that Santana has given this any thought at all.)

(Not that it drives her crazy that she can easily think of a seemingly endless list of reasons for Brittany to never want to see her again.)

(Not that she doesn't spend hours thinking about what it could possibly be that someone as wonderful as Brittany sees in someone like her.)

But whenever she gets too worked up about it she tries to calm her thoughts by thinking about the way Brittany looks at her...with that unadulterated…something. Maybe it's love? Santana's not big on what love looks like on a person because she's not sure she's ever really seen it before.

(Well except for Puck and Quinn but those two are disgusting and Santana tries to never look either of them in the eye in hopes that she won't be infected by whatever shit has taken hold of them and turned them both into sappy dicks.)

But the way Brittany looks at her, that look that makes Santana feel warm inside and like everything will be okay because Brittany is there and holding her hand, it makes Santana think that despite all her obvious shortfalls as a human being and girlfriend, she might not get an awkward _thank you _in return. It makes Santana think that maybe if Brittany sees something in her, then maybe she can be someone worthy of her.

-x-

It's not until Brittany shows up at her house with tears in her eyes a couple of days later that Santana realises that she's legit-straight-up-no-point-denying-it-in-love with this girl.

She's in her room studying when she hears the doorbell and Anita running down the hall towards it. Her cousin knows she's not allowed to answer it so when Santana finally shuffles out of her room and to the door she finds her bouncing on her heels, waiting to see who their visitor is. Santana herself is suspicious, wondering who on earth is knocking on her door after dark, and guides Anita to stand behind her just in case. In this neighbourhood it could literally be anyone for any reason.

(When she was fourteen she opened the door to find a guy standing there with blood pouring out of a bullet hole in his stomach. Another time it was a drag queen selling Girl Scout cookies.)

But the last person she expects to see through the peep hole is Brittany, and her heart stops for a second when she remembers what happened the first time Brittany was at this house. Her girlfriend knows better than to come here without making sure Santana's aunt isn't home, (thank god she's at work tonight), so the brunette assumes something must be wrong and feels her chest tighten.

Her fears are confirmed when she opens the door and sees Brittany looking like she's barely managing to hold back her tears. Santana pulls her girlfriend into her arms and feels her sobbing against her, her chest heaving with shallow shaky breaths and her tears staining the brunette's shirt.

.

"Puckerman, I need you to fuck up Josh Coleman."

Santana hears her best friend sigh down the phone line.

"Did he hit on you again or something? Because I'm not starting shit with Coleman just because he's a creep and won't stop claiming he can turn you straight. He might be a short fucker but he's fucking psychotic and I don't want to deal with that shit."

"He hurt Brittany."

Santana grinds the words out, her words dripping with barely controlled rage and her free hand balls into a tight fist, her knuckles going white.

A tense silence stretches for a moment and Puck almost sounds afraid of the answer when he asks, "Is she alright?"

Santana looks over her shoulder at Brittany asleep in her bed and feels her chest tighten, all the adrenaline coursing through her again when she thinks of what happened. She can't help but feel that this is all her fault. That this is her shitty world with its shitty people and that sweet wonderful Brittany doesn't belong in it. Part of her almost feels like she knew something like this would happen. That it will probably happen again and that she should stop being so selfish and let Brittany go. Let her go back to her side of town where Santana and her messed up world can't hurt her.

But it's _Brittany_, and she's one of the few good things that Santana has. She loves her. She's in love with her. She makes her smile and want to dance and be silly and gives her hope that maybe she will actually be able to get out of this town someday. Maybe she can have something better. Maybe _they_ can have something better. She's _Brittany_ and Santana fucking loves her and she can't just give that up.

All she wants to do is go over there and hold her, but she needs to make sure Coleman pays for what he did.

When Santana had ushered her upset girlfriend into her bedroom it had taken Brittany a few minutes to calm down, and once she did she explained that Josh Coleman had confronted her on her way out of the dance studio. When Brittany had tried to ignore his attentions he had gotten more aggressive, grabbing her and pushing her against the wall of the studio, clearly not taking no for an answer.

Santana's hand shakes when she thinks about that prick with his hands on her girlfriend. Or about how scared Brittany looked standing there on her doorstep. Apparently Coleman had been momentarily distracted by a passing car and it was enough for Brittany to push him away and run. She ran all the way to Santana's house.

"He was hassling her and she's shook up and will probably have some bruises on her arms but she got away. She was really scared Puck."

Santana hears her own voice falter and would be embarrassed if she was talking to anyone other than Puck. But Puck knows what Brittany means to her. He knows how it would feel if it was Quinn.

"I'll take care of it," is all he says before they both hang up, and Santana knows that he's going to make sure that Coleman never so much as looks at Brittany again.

Come Monday morning at school Santana sees Josh sporting a black eye, a busted lip, his left arm is in a sling and he's walking with a limp. She thinks the only way she could feel any better about it is if she had been the one to inflict the pain. Then, that afternoon as she's walking out of school she sees a crowd of students gathered in the parking lot, most with their phones out taking pictures of something. She sticks her head into the crowd and sees Josh's car up on blocks with all the wheels missing and the windscreen and back window completely removed. She hears someone in the crowd saying that the stereo has also been taken. When she looks up, Puck is standing across from her on the other side of the crowd wearing a satisfied smile.

-x-

"So it looks like you're keeping your grades up in your classes and Mr Schuester and Mrs Hannigan tell me that you're flying through the extra credit assignments they've given you. Have you had a chance to look through any of those college brochures yet Santana? We really need to be narrowing them down and then sending away your applications."

Santana tries not to wince, knowing she's running out of excuses and ways to be polite about ignoring this whole thing. She's been bullshitting about it all for months to keep Miss Pillsbury off her back and putting it off, and she doesn't think _my dog ate them_ is going to cut it.

She shuffles around in her seat and avoids eye contact with the older woman who seems equally determined not to let her get away with this any longer.

"Santana I know it's difficult, but you have to start making decisions about your future. You're too smart to just graduate high school and get some menial job. You could really make something of yourself and change your life. I know you've had a hard time of things but you can't let that define you and–"

Santana scoffs, a bitter laugh erupting from her chest, silencing her counselor. If there's one thing she hates it's being lectured about her life. She knows all about it, she the one who fucking lives it, and hearing shit like that from little miss priss only pisses her off. It doesn't help that she's already on edge from an argument she'd had with Brittany about basically the same thing. Although she's not sure if she'd call snapping at her girlfriend for the first time an argument. More like her being an asshole.

A few days ago Brittany had come over to her house so they could hang out and study together. Santana's aunt was working and Anita was staying at a friend's house after school so they knew they had the all clear for a few hours. Of course the studying lasted for about three minutes and the _hanging out_ turned into the two of them making out on Santana's bed, her hands running up and down the smooth skin of Brittany's back, bringing the blonde's t-shirt halfway up with them as they did. Brittany was kissing her neck and grinding down onto her thigh and Santana couldn't stop her hands from exploring more of Brittany's body, sliding across her sides and around to cup her breasts over her bra. When she let each of her thumbs slip under the material and brush over Brittany's nipples her girlfriend's hips bucked even harder and they both moaned into each others mouths. Santana wasn't sure how, but a fully clothed Brittany grinding onto her was way hotter than any of the actual sex she'd ever had.

A moment later they were both panting and Brittany was pulling back to sit up and straddle Santana's thighs. The brunette tried to follow her, eager to keep kissing and touching Brittany as much as possible, but Brittany just smirked and shook her head, pushing Santana back down to keep some distance between them.

Santana groaned but in a way that let Brittany know she wasn't mad, just super horny and frustrated.

Brittany giggled and brushed some hair from Santana's face and swept it behind her ear.

"We're supposed to be studying."

Santana scoffed. "You're the one who practically jumped me."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just went to lay down on your bed when you happened to be laying there and somehow I ended up on top of you."

Santana laughed, an easy carefree laugh that only Brittany could inspire.

To put some more distance between them and make things a little easier, Brittany swung her leg over the brunette and sat cross-legged on the side of the bed, Santana smirking when she saw Brittany adjust her bra under her top.

Santana watched her sexy and adorable girlfriend as Brittany's eyes flittered around her room, taking in all things Santana.

"Did you know that scientists say that an Earth day had around 20 hours a few million years ago and that a million years from now it will have 27 hours?"

Santana cocked her head to the side, not sure where that came from given their previous activities but surprised by the question nonetheless.

"Bullshit."

"Yup, I read it in a book."

Santana sat up just enough to slump back against her headboard and smiled, her frustrations of a moment ago forgotten because she was still with the most amazing girl she'd ever met.

"I think you're the smartest person I know."

Brittany's cheeks flooded with an obvious blush and she ducked her head bashfully.

"Saaannnn," she whined. "You can't say stuff like that when I'm trying really hard not to jump you again."

"Aha! So you admit it, you did jump me."

"Dammit. Maybe I'm not so smart after all."

Santana made a disapproving sound and rolled her eyes. "You're definitely a fucking genius. You know way more stuff than all the people in my school put together."

"Well, it doesn't seem to be doing my grades any good."

Brittany's shoulders slumped and Santana sat up properly, reaching her arm out to lace her fingers with her girlfriend's. Brittany had told her about her frustrations with her school work and grades before. She wasn't failing, but she wasn't doing great, and it was really getting to her that she was trying so hard and getting nowhere.

"Britt, you have to know how smart you are. With lots of things. You're working really hard and it'll start to show in your grades."

Santana felt a little guilty because her grades were stellar and she only ever gave the minimum amount of effort. Brittany tried really hard.

"I guess so. Thankfully I can dance like a dream so my grades won't be too much of an issue."

Brittany smirked and winked at Santana, who smiled goofily in return.

"What about you, have you thought about it yet, college?"

It was a topic they had both generally avoided bringing up and even the way Brittany's voice rose slightly at the end of her question told Santana that she was nervous asking.

Santana felt her heart rate pick up but she tried to keep herself looking nonchalant, exhaling with a shrug. She knew she couldn't avoid the question forever but she really wanted to get off this topic very quickly. She tried for the vaguest answer she could.

"I've been looking through brochures and course guides and stuff."

Brittany gave her a pointed look but Santana avoided her eye.

"San, that stack of brochures has been sitting there untouched since the first time I was here."

Brittany pointed over to the pile that Miss Pillsbury had given her months ago, and as she predicted at the time, she hadn't touched them since.

She rolled her eyes. She didn't know how to tell Brittany that people like her don't dream of their futures because they don't know how much of one they'll have, but they absolutely know that wishing for something good to happen to them will only lead to disappointment. She'd learned a long time ago that having hope will only break your heart and crush your spirit. And sure, she'd taken a leap with Brittany and that was working out pretty great so far, but Santana knew that someone like her won't be that lucky twice. She didn't know how to tell Brittany that she couldn't take getting her heart broken yet again, because that would just be too fucking pathetic, even for her, not to mention that she'd be confessing to more than she was willing to. Practically begging Brittany not to break her heart.

But like with all of her emotions, Santana seemed to be hardwired to funnel them all into anger, and she could feel her body tense as it began to build inside her.

"San, this stuff is important. There are deadlines and stuff."

"Yeah I know. I'll start getting into it this week."

She took a deep breath and tried to keep her voice level. She wanted nothing more than for Brittany to drop this whole fucking thing.

But Brittany did the exact opposite, sliding down off the bed and moving over to the pile.

"We should go through some now. It'll be fun.

"Britt-"

"Come on San we can see all the cool courses they have."

"Maybe later-"

"Maybe you can become an anthropologist or an engineer or a doctor."

"Jesus fucking Christ just fucking drop it."

Brittany's eyes widened and her face paled. Santana had never spoken to her like that before, with such a severe tone, and she instantly regretted it. But as soon as Brittany had mentioned her becoming a doctor she just couldn't take it anymore. Brittany had no idea how painful it all was.

The blonde moved to gather her things.

"I'm going to go. It's getting late anyway."

Santana cursed her stupidity under her breath and jumped up from her bed. She wanted to stop her, but she knew Brittany was right and she should get out of there before her aunt came home. Still, Santana didn't want her leaving on that note, so she caught Brittany's hand and tugged her closer.

Brittany resisted for a second before letting herself follow, Santana pulling Brittany's hand up to her lips and kissing her palm.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you. I shouldn't have done that and you didn't deserve it."

"I don't like people swearing at me Santana."

"I know Britt, and I'll never do it again." Their hands were now laced together between them and Santana squeezed Brittany's hand a little tighter. "I promise."

Brittany chewed on her bottom lip, the crease between her brows mostly smoothing away. "You can't just get mad at me when you don't want to talk about something."

Santana nodded her head. She knew that. And she knew that Brittany was the last person she ever wanted to get mad at. But avoiding things is how she deals best, and any talk of her college choices would then lead to Brittany's college preferences and Santana didn't even want to think about Brittany moving away. She knew that it was going to happen, and she knew that she won't be going with her, so she'd just rather stay in the moment with Brittany and enjoy the time they do have together.

Brittany had gone home soon after and they hadn't been able to hang out in the days that followed, and despite the fact that Brittany is insisting that she's over it, Santana still feels uneasy about it. She feels like they've just hit the pause button on the conversation and she's not looking forward to picking it back up again.

Although Miss Pillsbury is doing a pretty fucking great job of forcing her to right now.

So instead of a cutting remark or another lie, Santana tells her that she will have a look at those stupid books and get back to her next week.

And she thinks she's actually going to do it.

-x-

Of all the places Santana imagined her and Brittany first having sex, (and she imagined it _a lot_…almost constantly for a week there), Brittany's sister's tree house was never one of them. Not that it's just _any_ sort of tree house.

When Brittany had first suggested that they go up there Santana scrunched her nose and declared that she wasn't the outdoors type. But her interest was piqued when Brittany smirked at her and Santana can't believe that she's so whipped that her girlfriend smirking at her can change her mind. But it totally can.

When she pulls herself up from the ladder she almost gasps at how fucking huge it is inside. It kinda looks like a studio apartment. It's definitely bigger than her bedroom at home and probably half as big as her aunt's entire house. This must be one big-ass tree.

When Brittany climbs up and glances around she's got a light in her eyes that makes it obvious that imagination and adventure and wonder still live inside her and it's something Santana feels left her so long ago that she almost can't recognise it. It makes Brittany look so beautiful.

"Holy shit, did your sister take out a mortgage for this thing?"

Brittany giggles and goes over to the bed – there's a fucking bed – taking a seat while Santana's eyes sweep around the room.

There's a little kitchen area with tables and chairs and a tea set, (thankfully there's no running water or electricity otherwise Santana's head might have actually exploded), a reading corner with an armchair and two small bookcases filled with books, an area with a massive dolls house and a ton of doll crap, and then what looks like an arts and crafts station.

Santana just shakes her head as she wanders over to join Brittany because she can't fucking believe this. She knew Brittany was rich but _jesus_.

"A bed?" she says as she takes a seat on the end of it next to Brittany. "How did all this stuff even get up here?"

Brittany just shrugs. "No idea. Most of it was here before my parents bought the house."

"Wait what? Who knows what nasty stains are on this mattress."

Santana makes to jump off it but Brittany grabs her hand and explains that her mum bought a new mattress and paid the poor delivery drivers extra to lug it inside.

"So why did you want to come up here?"

Brittany takes a deep breath as her eyes dart around the room and she considers Santana's question for a moment.

"I just like it up here and wanted to show you. To be honest Leah doesn't come up here much, I mean she's ten and her bedroom has much cooler stuff than this. I think I'm up here more than she is. It just reminds me of all the best parts of being a kid. And sometimes it gets a little too intense in my house and I just need to get away from things for a bit, you know?"

Santana nods her head because she totally fucking knows that feeling. It's the same feeling she has most of the time she's in her aunt's house. Although when she thinks about it more she realises that she doesn't _really_ know what Brittany's referring to because the blonde doesn't talk much about her family. Just little things here and there that have given Santana a blurry outline of what it's like. When Santana first got to know her she thought that Brittany was super up front and open with what she was feeling all the time, but the more she's gotten to know her she's started to realise that there are things Brittany doesn't want to talk about either. Maybe that's why she's always been so patient with Santana and the things she doesn't talk about. But the brunette wants to know more and she figures that offering something of herself might help Brittany talk too.

"I used to go to Mercedes' dad's diner."

Brittany's brow furrows.

"When I needed to get out of my aunt's house. I would just sit in a booth at the diner listening to my iPod all night...until well after midnight."

"Used to?"

"Huh?"

Santana's eyes widen, just realising she's once again revealed more than she meant to.

"You said you used to go to the diner. Where do you go now?"

The brunette looks down at her hands and only then does she realise she's been fidgeting with her fingers and picking her nails.

"I...now I talk to you on the phone, or I text you…or go see you. Or sometimes if I can't or it's too late I reread your texts or those little notes you shove into my bag sometimes when I we hang out after school and you think I'm not looking. Or I look at the photos of us on my phone."

Brittany practically melts at her words, a coy smile on her lips, while Santana can feel her own heart thumping and her face flush with heat. She feels like her answer is almost equivalent to telling Brittany she loves her, it feels like she just did but with way more words, and with a burst of confidence she decides that she is going to tell her. Because she is in love with Brittany Susan Pierce and she needs to tell her that.

"Brittany, I need to –"

"I love you," Brittany interrupts, her eyes going wide at her own confession, like the words just burst out of her of their own accord.

Santana is so jacked up with adrenaline she's not sure what she's feeling or what the expression is on her face, but her chest swells so full and her heart is racing and she doesn't think she's ever been this happy and excited before.

Whatever the look on her face, Brittany seems encouraged.

"I mean I'm _in_ love with you. I have been for a while now…probably since that day you and Puck came up to my school and we sat on the hood of his car. I tried to be mad at you but you were just so cute and sexy and then as I was getting down from the car you held your hand out for me to hold so I wouldn't slip or anything and I think that moment was when I fell in love with you. I didn't know that then thought. And I've been wondering if you love me back and that maybe you're too scared to say it, because I've been too scared to say it, but then I thought that's just silly because I love you and you should know that. And then you went and said something so beautiful and I just _had_ to tell you. So I'm telling you now. Again. I love you."

Brittany's words trail off as she runs out of breath but she doesn't have time to catch it because Santana surges forward, cupping Brittany's cheeks with both hands and claiming her lips in a heated kiss. She pushes her body closer to Brittany's until they're pressed together, strong hands coming to rest on her hips as their lips push and pull and slide against each other's hungrily.

But soon Brittany's lack of oxygen becomes a pressing issue and she's forced to pull their lips apart while she gasps for some much needed air, keeping their foreheads pressed together. Santana still has her eyes closed but she just knows Brittany has a massive smile on her face just like she does.

"I love you too," Santana says quietly, opening her eyes and pulling back slightly to find sparkling blue eyes gazing back at her, filled with joy and glazed with tears. "I really fucking love you."

Brittany leans forward and kisses her again, slower and softer this time, and Santana can feel the love in it. She knows she's felt like this every time Brittany has kissed her, now she just has a name for it.

But their kiss quickly grows more searching and passionate and soon Brittany is turning Santana and gently guiding her to rest backwards on the bed, then lowering her own body to lay half on top of her, a strong thigh slipping between Santana's making her gasp into the kiss.

Brittany pulls back and for a moment they just gaze at each other. Santana's entire body feels like it's thrumming with electricity, like her every nerve is on fire in the best possible way. And now Brittany is looking at her like she's asking for permission to take that next step, and Santana never in a million years thought that Brittany would be the one making sure it's okay, Brittany, who has only slept with one other girl, but everything feels so right and Santana feels so safe that all she can do is smile and lean up to kiss the girl she loves again and again and again.

Brittany gently and patiently strips both of them to their underwear, their kisses and touches barely halting as they shed their clothes. Santana is more than happy to let Brittany take the lead because she kinda feels like she's never done this before, which she supposes she hasn't, because yeah, she's had sex with girls before, but she's never been in love with any of them. She's never _made love_ to someone. And that nervous excitement of her first time is ten times as great and every kiss and caress feels ten times as wonderful and intense and if Brittany wants to show her the way then she will gladly follow.

The first time Santana feels Brittany's skin against her own she has to swallow a groan, and she can feel her hands trembling with anticipation as they run along the dips and curves of her girlfriend's perfect body. Soon Brittany starts to grind her hips down slowly when Santana pushes hers up and they build a steady rhythm that's only interrupted slightly when Brittany starts to slide Santana's bra straps down her arms carefully, keeping eye contact and once again silently asking if it's okay. Santana lifts her back slightly so that Brittany can slip her arm under her back to unclasp her bra, and soon the material is being pulled away and Brittany's eyes are almost black with desire as she takes in the sight. Then she's slipping off her own bra and Santana feels an ache low on her stomach as she watches on, her hands eventually following her gaze. Brittany really is perfect.

Santana feels like she doesn't catch her breath again from that moment on. Brittany's hands are holding her firmly but gently as she kisses almost every inch of her skin, Santana's hands tangling in blonde hair as pleasure flows all the way through to the tips of her toes. Then Brittany is working her fingers inside her and pressing her thumb where she needs her as she kisses her neck and across her chest and it doesn't take long for Santana to tumble over the edge, Brittany's name on her lips.

But Brittany doesn't let it end there, barely letting Santana gasp for breath before she's kissing her way down her body, pressing her lips to the inside of her thigh far too gently for what she's about to do. Then Santana's hips are bucking into her almost uncontrollably, one hand cradling the back of Brittany's head as the other reaches out blindly for the other girl's hand until she feels fingers slide between her own. Santana never knew it could feel like this.

.

"I told you," Brittany says softly a little later on after their third round, both of them lying peacefully with their arms and legs entwined.

"With feelings it's better."

.

.

* * *

><p><strong>So this will probably end up being like 5 or 6 parts I think…these characters have a mind of their own and I keep straying from my plan…so we'll see. Also, while I was writing this I realised that I haven't named the restaurant Santana works at…or at least I don't think I did…so hit me up with suggestions and any questions, here or on my tumblrino - everything-is-funnier-lying-down . tumblr . com. <strong>

**Please review if you've got a second because every time you review a story an angel gets its wings…I think that's right.**

**:)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Would you look at that, I didn't make you wait months for an update :P Although I am going on holiday for a little more than a month so there won't be another update for a while – there's one part left…hopefully I'll have it done by the end of Feb!**

**Also, just a disclaimer – as an Aussie I know very little about the American college system and I feared that educating myself about it would ruin my plans for the story, so if something is wrong, (which I'm 100% sure it is), please ignore it…or if it really bothers you and you figure out a way around it that works with the story PM me or hit me up on tumblr and we'll figure it out :)**

**I've pretty much thrown my plan out the window and I'm sure it shows…but these characters have a mind of their own :P**

* * *

><p>.<p>

.

Santana thought that meeting Brittany's parents was going to be fucking awful and like every horrible meet-the-parents movie scene she'd ever seen. She knew she'd have to meet them eventually, because this thing with Brittany is serious, (Santana can hardly believe that they've been together almost six months now), and unlike herself Brittany actually _has_ parents...but Santana was still fucking bricking it. She thought that they would be stuck up entitled assholes who wouldn't even want to breathe the same air as her Lima Heights ass. Every horrible scenario ran through her mind and haunted her dreams.

But in fact it wasn't awful at all. It actually went reasonably well.

(Of course that might be because she was introduced as Brittany's _friend_, not her girlfriend.)

That had been Brittany's idea, one Santana initially welcomed, but one that slowly and steadily bore itself into her insecurities. Brittany had gone to great pains to assure Santana that it wasn't for any reason other than to spare her girlfriend the third degree they were both certain to receive if her parents knew about them. And that was if her parents reacted to the news well. They would be in for a _whole_ heap more shit if that revelation doesn't go down so well. Oh, and there was also the little fact that Brittany isn't exactly out to her family, which doesn't really surprise Santana because she knows that her girlfriend is pretty emotionally disconnected from her parents. And maybe just a little bit afraid of her dad and his disapproval. Or a lot.

(One night late at the dance studio they were sitting together, Santana with her back against the mirrored wall and Brittany lying with her head in her lap, and the blonde quietly told her girlfriend about how distant her relationship with her parents has been ever since the death of her older brother in a car accident five years ago. How she feels like her brother's death pushed them further apart instead of closer together. Santana gently brushed her fingers through soft blonde hair as Brittany tried to keep her voice from breaking while she poured her heart out about how she's only a cheerleader because it gives her something to talk about with her mum, and how now she avoids being alone with her dad because they have nothing to say to each other and all she can think about is her brother and how good he was at everything he did and how she's not.

Santana knows all about not feeling good enough and rejected by parents, and she'd pulled Brittany up and held her close and kissed her hair and whispered that she is perfect just the way she is and told her that she loves her.)

(It's the same thing Brittany did for her months ago when Santana laid out her entire sorry life story for her, telling Brittany all about her dad getting diagnosed and passing away. And how her mother became a shell of a person who drank too much and brought terrible boyfriends and their drugs home to beat them both up. And how she can still remember everything about the day her mum told her to pack up her backpack because they were going on a holiday, only to be dropped off at her aunt's house and never see her mother again.)

But hearing about Brittany's parents and actually meeting them were two very different things, as Santana discovered.

They were still intimidating as fuck, but meeting them in an informal way, (walking Brittany home after school and being asked by her mum to stay for dinner because she was eager to know this new friend her daughter kept mentioning), made it a lot easier. They were friendly and charming and interested and not at all condescending, which Santana found pleasantly surprising. She has been talked down to enough in her life by all sorts of douchebags in all sorts of ways that she's good at picking up even the most veiled insult thrown her way. But besides a few awkward pauses when Brittany's sister Leah made some unintentionally disparaging comments about things she'd heard about Lima Heights, (all true things though, which made Santana simultaneously embarrassed and amused), Brittany's parents didn't bat an eyelid at Santana's obvious proximity to the poverty line.

Brittany was pretty happy with how it all went and was glad that her parents seemed to approve of Santana. Santana felt like it couldn't have gone any better, except of course if Brittany's parents had have actually known that she was having sex with their daughter and still approved, but she was relieved nonetheless.

One unforeseen consequence of the dinner however, was that the more time Santana spent in Brittany's world, (in her house or with her friends or family), the more she realises that she can't be a Lima Loser if she wants to stay with Brittany. Brittany is going places and Santana wants to go with her, and not just on her coattails, dragging Brittany down. She wants Brittany to be as proud of her as Santana is of the blonde and she wants to be proud of herself and she knows that won't happen if she doesn't go to college.

So Santana stayed up most of that night looking through the stack of college brochures Miss P had given her and made a shortlist of schools she liked and that she could possibly get a scholarship, because this whole thing might be a shot in the fucking dark but she knows that even if she does get in there's _no way_ she could go without a scholarship. She also knows that Brittany is going to New York, (Julliard has pretty much been waiting for her to graduate for two years), so really, Santana's choices of schools are pretty narrowed down if she wants to be near her girlfriend.

But she's going to try. Now that Brittany's in her life she's going to fucking try because she has too much to lose if she doesn't.

-x-

"Santana honey, I want to tell you that your boobs look amazing in that shirt. They almost look fake. You could be working at Hooters rather than this place."

If that comment had come from anyone other than a moderately intoxicated April Rhodes she probably would have messed with their food or drinks like she's done countless times, but it's April Rhodes, so Santana just chuckles and rolls her eyes with a playfully sarcastic "_thanks"._

She's spending her short break at work keeping April company and starts to flip through the bunch of headshots that the older woman had thrust into her hands a moment ago asking her to pick the one that looks the best. Apparently April is once again attempting to kick start her singing/acting career but from the photos Santana is looking at she could be mistaken for assuming the woman is applying for Playboy.

"Um April, I don't think these are technically _headshots_."

She discreetly holds up one of the photos, April in a rather provocative pose and scantily clad in lingerie.

"Sweet baby Jesus I gave you the wrong envelope."

Santana shakes her head with a smile, offering the pile of photos back.

"Those are a sneaky little surprise for my husband," April adds with a wink as she reaches out to collect them. "Gotta keep things exciting. But speaking of breasts, how's your girl doing?"

Santana scoffs at the random change in subject, even if she is used to it with April, but in the next second she's thinking of Brittany and a huge grin is blooming across her face. She can actually feel herself soften at the thought of her girlfriend and she wants to roll her eyes at herself for being such a love struck dope, but she doesn't because fuck it, Brittany Pierce loves her and it's pretty fucking awesome.

So she tells April just that and is about to tell her about the meeting of the parents when her phone beeps with a message in her pocket. She finishes her sentence and slides the phone out, surprised to find that there are actually four missed calls and two texts that her phone neglected to buzz for, all from Puck and Mike.

Her thoughts instantly go to Brittany, wondering if something happened to her girlfriend, but the panic only lasts until she opens the last text from Boy Chang.

_Quinn broke up with Puck and he's pretty fucked. Come to the field asap._

-x-

"I'm going to fucking kill her."

Santana paces in front of Brittany's car, her arms crossed tight across her chest, but she doesn't miss the conflicted look on her girlfriend's face.

"Look, I know she's your friend but _fuck her_. She broke up with him for no reason. He's fucking _shattered_ Brittany. She ripped his fucking heart out."

Santana thinks back to last night when she'd gotten April to drop her off at the old baseball field behind the elementary school. Mike and Puck had been sitting on the bleachers, Puck with a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels and a bloodied fist. She'd stayed out there with them for an hour or so while Puck slowly and incoherently recalled for her what had happened. Then she'd driven both boys home, (Mike felt like he should be drinking in sympathy), leaving Puck's car at his house and then walking home. She hasn't heard from him since. Hopefully he's still sleeping it off.

"I've never seen him like this."

Brittany nods, and when she speaks her voice is soothing and reasonable, in stark contrast to Santana's.

"I know he's upset San, they both are, Quinn was crying all night. But it's not for no reason."

"No good fucking reason," Santana mutters. "All to please her stupid fuckface dad."

As Santana had made her way to the old field last night, she'd felt panicked and jittery but kept telling herself that it was fucking stupid because obviously Mike's texts were bullshit. Maybe Puck and Quinn had had a bad fight or something and Mike had just misunderstood but there was no way they had broken up…they were _Puck and Quinn_, and as revolted by their love as she'd always been, she'd come to believe that it was real and that it was the kind that lasts forever.

And then she'd taken one look at her best friend and known immediately that it was true, feeling something in herself deflate and extinguish. Something that felt a little like hope. Because she'd always thought that if Puck and Quinn could make it then so could she and Brittany. Then maybe she could get into college and they could live happily ever after like those fucking Disney movies.

But Puck and Quinn didn't make it.

Brittany slides off the bonnet of her car and reaches out for Santana's hand, bringing a halt to her pacing, waiting until the brunette finally meets her eye.

Santana feels herself calm down slightly now that she's staring into her girlfriend's eyes, but she's still got so much anger surging through her she can feel her hands shaking, no doubt Brittany can too.

"I know you're upset for your friend but Quinn is my friend and she didn't make this decision on a whim, San. She's been thinking about it for a while, even before she decided she wanted to go to Yale."

Santana takes a step back, pulling her hand out of Brittany's grasp.

"So what, you knew she was going to do this?"

"No, I mean she'd talked to me about it but–"

"Oh, and you just didn't feel like telling me that she was going to break my best friend's heart?"

"It's not for me to tell –"

Santana scoffs and turns away. She doesn't want this to turn into a fight between her and Brittany but she just can't fucking believe any of this. And if she's being honest she's a little shocked with how upset she is about this whole thing. Fuck, she doesn't even like Quinn. Although that's not really true anymore. And she kind of feels like she's been duped. It took a long time for her to believe that Quinn had actually changed and was no longer the stuck up bitch she used to be, but now Santana knows she was fooled and it was all bullshit, because in a few months Quinn is going off to the same college her Dad went to and she's going to follow the perfect little path her parents planned out and paid for and she'll leave Puck and everyone else in her rear-view mirror and never fucking look back. Fuck that.

But just as her anger is about to bubble over she feels fingers brush her own again and exhales a long breath, some of her rage finally dissipating at the gentle touch. She doesn't want to push Brittany away over something that has nothing to do with them.

(Although in some ways it feels like it has everything to do with them.)

(Which is really fucking scary.)

She laces their fingers together and turns back to face the girl she loves, the girl she is so scared of losing.

"I just don't see how any of this makes sense, Britt. Quinn's not leaving for months. And just because she's leaving doesn't mean they have to break up. We both know Puck would follow her to China if that's where she wanted to go."

"She doesn't want him to follow her," Brittany says sadly.

Santana shakes her head, trying to understand and _really_ fucking trying not to freak out about there being a deeper level to Brittany's understanding of Quinn's motives.

"Quinn feels…" Brittany trails off, searching for the right word. "_Lost_. She feels like she's been lost for a really long time. Her family puts her under a lot of pressure, you know that. She wants to find the person she's supposed to be and she thinks she needs to do that by herself at college…not with Puck."

"She's going to avoid her family's pressure by going to the college they were planning to send her to since before she was born?"

"Yale is a really good school. And it's far enough away from her parents that they won't really be in her life, breathing down her neck all the time."

Santana nods. She understands this when Brittany says it so calmly and rationally. And she knows that Quinn didn't really break up with Puck in as many words, (but telling someone that you've decided where you're going for college and that you don't want a long-distance relationship or for them to come with you has pretty much the same result as telling them to get fucked).

Brittany tugs on their joined hands and pulls Santana into her body, strong arms wrapping around her middle and holding her close. Santana feels herself melt into the embrace, just like every time Brittany holds her.

"That's not going to happen to us. I don't ever want to leave you behind."

Of course Brittany knows exactly why Santana is so upset and scared, and of course she whispers the most perfect fucking thing into her ear.

But they're just words, and a lot has to go right for them to be true, more than has ever gone right for Santana. So even though Brittany is holding her and saying perfect things, Santana can't quite make herself believe that everything is going to be okay.

(But she does know that she's still going to try like fuck to make it okay.)

-x-

"This is some fucked up shit when an Asian is copying my maths homework. You're a disgrace to your race Mikey."

Mike just rolls his eyes and continues to copy Santana's work, scribbling furiously in his own notebook, while Puck lets out a low chuckle at Santana's side. She's glad to see him smile. It's been a month or so since he and Quinn ended things and he's still pretty messed up but he's getting through it.

Apparently Quinn is still pretty cut up about it too, at least according to Brittany. Not that Santana asks, because she's ridiculously stubborn and loyal to a fault and still super fucking pissed at Quinn. But Brittany is Brittany, lovely and thoughtful and kind, and she asks how Puck is doing and tells Santana how Quinn is doing because she knows that Santana is a little bit secretly worried about her old enemy since somewhere along the way they actually became friends. Not that she'll ever admit that.

"Hey Santana, I didn't know you wanted to be a doctor."

Santana's head snaps up from her lunch at Mike's comment. Nobody knows about that except for Brittany. Not even Puck.

"What the fuck are you talking about Boy Chang?"

Mike picks up a piece of paper from Santana's folder and it's then that she realises that she left a draft of one of her college application essays in there. Which is exactly what Mike is now holding up.

"Your college essay is really good."

In an instant Santana is reaching across the cafeteria table and snatching it from between his fingers, scrunching it up in her hands and putting it in the pocket of her jeans.

Mike and Puck just stare, not sure what to make of any of it.

"College essays? What the fuck? Since when do you want to go to college?"

Santana winces, sensing the edge in Puck's tone. There's a bunch of reasons why she never said anything about this before, (the biggest one being her own pride because she doesn't know how the fuck she's going to deal with it if she doesn't get in), but it's also now a bit of a touchy subject with him given the whole Quinn situation. She doesn't want him to feel like she's planning on leaving him too…even though in reality that's exactly what she's doing.

So she slips back into her usual nonchalant demeanour and shrugs.

"I figured I'd give it a shot."

Puck considers her answer with a nod of his head, but she knows he can see right through her.

"Which schools are you applying for?"

Santana pretends to think about it, like she can't remember their names, when really there are only two colleges she's looking at, (Columbia and NYU), and she has everything about their pre-med programs memorised.

"A bunch. Some on the east coast and some out west."

Puck nods again and it makes Santana more than a little nervous, trying to gauge how he's going to react, while Mike picks up on the tension and gives them a bullshit excuse about needing the library and leaves them alone. Like Mike has ever been in the library.

"Is this about Brittany?"

Santana feels her heartbeat pick up and her muscles tense. She's not sure how to answer that because it kind of is but it also kind of isn't. It's about making a life for herself, but she wouldn't be doing it if not for Brittany.

Puck shakes his head at her silence, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You know she's just going to fuck you over in the end, San."

That helps Santana find her voice quick fucking smart, because she won't let anyone talk shit about Brittany and their relationship. Not even Puck.

"Fuck off Puck, you don't know anything about it."

But he just laughs, and it's so condescending that Santana wants to punch him.

"What? You think you're any different from me? That Brittany is any different from Quinn? You think that you can just go to a fancy college and become a doctor and suddenly you'll be like her? You'll belong with her?

"Shut your fucking mouth Puck."

"You can't be that fucking stupid to plan your life around someone like Brittany. I was and look what happened to me. And is Brittany changing her plans to be with you? No. She's _still. fucking. going._ San, whether you go with her or not."

Santana stands, not wanting to have any more of her worst fears thrown in her face, telling Puck to go fuck himself as she storms out of the cafeteria, avoiding the eyes of her peers who noticed the disturbance.

She heads outside, needing some fresh air, a chance to breathe and calm down her thumping heart to ease some of the tension tightening her muscles.

It's one thing for all of those doubts and fears she has to swirl through her own head, keeping her up at night, but having them said aloud by someone else, by her best friend, just makes them feel insurmountable and leaves her feeling ten times as shit.

(Because really, deep down, she thinks that maybe everything Puck said is true.)

-x-

"I really like your sweet lady kisses," Brittany breathes out before capturing Santana's lips in another passionate kiss, their bodies pressing together in the most wonderful way.

Santana groans her agreement, sliding her hand down to Brittany's ass and squeezing while she pulls her girlfriend's hips into her own.

They're in the tree house again, still fully clothed because Brittany's parents are due home soon and while the blonde seems to enjoy the thrill of almost being caught, Santana most definitely doesn't. She's become more comfortable being in the Pierce's house and in their presence, but she doesn't even want to think about how fast her ass would probably be chased out of there if Brittany's parents caught her on top of their daughter.

(Although really, it'd most likely be Brittany on top of her.)

But either way, despite Brittany's many attempts to get Santana's clothes off, they've both had to settle for some PG-13 action this afternoon.

Santana threads her fingers into blonde hair as Brittany trails hot open-mouthed kisses down her neck and across her chest, her thigh tensing as her girlfriend presses down against it.

She can't think when she gets to have Brittany like this, all she can do is feel. Brittany's smooth soft skin under her fingertips. Brittany's warm and delicious mouth claiming every inch of Santana she can get to. Brittany's heartbeat thumping against her chest in time to her own heart that feels so full sometimes she worries it's going to burst.

(She knows that's not possible but still, being with Brittany makes her feel that way.)

(And she knows she's not always good with words and feelings so sometimes she just takes Brittany's hand and presses it against the skin over her heart and watches the smile bloom across the blonde's face. Because sometimes just saying _I love you_ doesn't even seem like it even comes close to describing what she feels for Brittany.)

Their kisses and movements eventually slow until they're just laying together, Santana's head on Brittany's chest and her fingers playing with the hem of the blonde's shirt, slipping under the material to the soft skin of her stomach every so often. Brittany has one arm around Santana's back with her hand settled on her hip, holding her close.

Her girlfriend hasn't said anything in a while and Santana assumes she's fallen asleep, (Brittany has the amazing/frustrating talent of being able to fall asleep almost anywhere at any time), but she's proved wrong when the blonde sighs rather dreamily.

"You're my French Angelfish, Santana Lopez."

Santana quirks an eyebrow and flips over so that she's on her stomach, propped up on her elbows.

"Am I supposed to know what that means? Or is this one of those times where you show off how much smarter than me you are?"

Brittany grins and sticks her tongue out, then bops the brunette on her scrunched up nose.

"It's not my fault you weren't paying attention to David Attenborough."

"I'm from Lima Heights, Britt Britt, there's only so much nature doco I can take."

"That's almost enough for me to break up with you, San."

That makes Santana laugh. "Yeah right. You, Brittany Susan Pierce, can't live without me."

"That's totally true," Brittany says so earnestly that Santana just has to press their lips together again.

"So, what's this about Dutch Devilfish?"

"_French_ _Angel_fish," Brittany corrects her while Santana continues to smirk. "They mate for life and they swim around the reef together all the time, always together, to protect each other."

Santana's smirk eases into a soft smile, her heart on the verge of blowing up again.

"So, like penguins and swans?"

Brittany rolls her eyes playfully. "Well yeah. But everyone always talks about those animals so they're like, less unique, you know? Plus, penguins just mate together if they can but the rest of the time it's very casual. French Angelfish are totally in love and totally make babies but they're also a team, cruising around the reef and watching each other's backs."

Santana leans down and presses another lingering kiss to Brittany's lips.

"Is this your way of asking me to be your baby mama?"

Brittany grins, "totally," then lifts her head up to steal another quick kiss. "But I mean…I just want you to know that no matter what happens with colleges and stuff next year, we'll find a way to be together. You know that right?"

Santana searches Brittany's eyes and finds all the love and adoration and kindness that she knows she'll ever need. And with Brittany looking at her like this and saying perfect things Santana starts to believe in happy endings and love conquering all because fuck, she's an orphan from Lima Heights and somehow the most wonderful girl in the world fell in love with her and she might be going to college and they could be that couple who lives happily ever after.

-x-

Santana believes Brittany's words until six weeks later when she finds out that the only school she got into on the east coast was NYU…but no scholarship. Even with financial aid and all the rest of it there's still no fucking way she'd be able to survive in New York and actually have time to go to the classes that she'd be working two jobs to pay for. She didn't get scholarships for the other two out of state colleges she got into either.

She's never hated being poor quite as much as she does then, because it's not that she's not good enough or not smart enough. There's nothing standing in her way other than the fact that she's poor. And that's not her fucking fault.

It's almost harder to tell Brittany than it was to open the letters, and even though Brittany holds her close and tells her that she's still her Angelfish and that they'll figure it out, Santana can't help but let all those doubts come rushing back to the fore again. She can't help but fixate on the fact that Brittany hasn't once mentioned not going to New York in a few months. She can't help but remember that look in Puck's eyes the night Quinn broke his heart because she was doing what was best for herself.

She can't help but think that maybe Brittany is wrong, and maybe things just aren't going to work out.

-x-

Santana is having a bad night at work, which is a bit of an understatement really because she'd rather kiss that potato sack Finn Hudson than take another order for these entitled, condescending assholes.

(Her hatred for this place has always been at a premium, but since learning her college fate it's fucking skyrocketed.)

She's been messing up orders and spilling drinks and she's barely made anything in tips, (she's pretty sure that the little she has made was garnered by fear and intimidation).

And her mood only gets worse as soon as she spots Mrs Pierce taking a seat in her section. She looks as polished as Santana knows she always does, and although Mrs Pierce has always been pleasant and welcoming to her, something about this soon to be encounter sends a shiver up her spine.

Three weeks ago the older woman almost caught Santana and her daughter in a compromising position, and although what she walked in on could have been innocent enough, Santana felt the mood shift and saw the questioning look in Mrs Pierce's eyes. And she's seen it ever since. The way those slate blue eyes linger a little too long on the two of them, especially when they touch.

She knows this can't be good because she's not stupid. Mrs Pierce hasn't come here by herself just to see where she works or to say hello, she obviously wants to talk to her, and given Santana's life experience and street smarts she knows that she's not going to like whatever Mrs Pierce has to say. The thought that maybe Brittany finally told her mum that they were more than just friends makes her heart race even faster…but surely she would have told Santana about that sooner rather than later?

Steeling herself, she makes her way over to the table, plastering a smile on her face and greeting the older woman with as much warmth as she can. She can't lose her shit, especially if this all ends up being nothing and Mrs Pierce was just jonesing for a latte or a nice steak or something. Mrs Pierce greets her back just as warmly and politely as she always does and for a second Santana thinks that maybe she got it wrong. Maybe Mrs Pierce does just want to see where her daughter's 'friend' works or maybe one of her friends told her about this place or maybe she knows Mrs Berry from one of their charity galas or whatever the fuck events it is that rich ladies go to.

But of course Santana's instincts know better and before she has even asked for Mrs Pierce's order, the older woman is making her intentions clear.

"Santana, I was wondering if I could have a word?"

She gestures for Santana to sit on the seat opposite her but of course the brunette hesitates, chewing on the end of her pen and looking around the restaurant.

"Um, I can't really sit down and chat right now..."

Mrs Pierce just smiles and waves away Santana's hesitation.

"I've just spoken to the manager and told him I need a minute of your time. He doesn't mind."

Santana fights the urge to roll her eyes because of fucking course Mrs Pierce can wave her hand and make things happen. And she just knows she'll end up working late to make up for it anyway.

So she cautiously takes a seat, avoiding eye contact with the older woman until the last possible moment. Mrs Pierce is just studying her with that same warm smile and it's more than a little uncomfortable.

"You really are a very beautiful girl."

Santana's eyes widen comically, because that really wasn't what she had expected to hear.

"Uh, thanks."

"I bet working here you get hassled a lot by drunk lecherous businessmen?"

Santana nods, more than a little thrown but knowing that she needs to be polite for Brittany's sake, so if Mrs Pierce wants to make small talk, small talk it is.

"Yup. Hazard of the job."

Mrs Pierce gazes around the restaurant.

"Yes, I remember from when I was younger."

"You waitressed?"

"In a place much worse than this. I was nineteen and trying to put myself through college."

Santana shakes her head slightly, not sure what to make of this new information and how it changes the little story in her head that she'd made up about Mrs Pierce's background.

The older woman seems pleased, like she knows she's just challenged Santana's idea of her.

"I wasn't born wearing Chanel, Santana. My parents were Dutch immigrants and worked in factories their whole lives. They had to work hard for what we had."

Santana nods, still a little shocked. This isn't how she thought this conversation was going to go.

"And like my parents I've worked hard for everything I've got. Studied my ass off to get into college. Put myself through school and met Brett. Worked with him to make his business successful. Helped with his political career. I've fought hard for my family and my life and I'm going to do anything I can to protect it."

Santana nods once and sighs. This is more what she'd been expecting. A polite but firm _fuck off and leave my daughter alone_. She braces herself for the impact.

"So I hope you'll understand why I'm going to have to ask you to stay away from my daughter."

The brunette shakes her head slightly, an almost amused smile on her lips. "Brittany is eighteen. You can't pick her friends."

Mrs Pierce smiles knowingly. "You're not her _friend,_ Santana."

Santana opens her mouth to lie, almost by instinct, but Mrs. Pierce beats her to it.

"I might be blonde but I'm not stupid, so please don't treat me like I am. I know my daughter and I aren't close and I understand why she wouldn't confide something like this in me, but even someone who took just one look at the two of you together would be able to tell that she's in love with you…"

Santana sits in a stunned silence, her stomach twisting with anxiety because she feels like she's been fucking ambushed and she doesn't want to be rude to this woman because _Brittany_…but she kinda feels like an animal that's been cornered and it's really hard not to lash out.

"…And it's pretty obvious that you love my daughter."

Mrs Pierce holds her eye and Santana doesn't have the heart to deny it, even if it would make all of this a lot easier.

"Which is why I'm hoping you'll take my advice and leave her alone. Brittany's life is about to change. She's heading off to school in New York next year and her father is about to campaign for office, running as a family values candidate."

Santana fights the urge to roll her eyes because despite what most people think she does have manners and some social graces. But she hates that fucking term _family values_. She especially hates how most of the people who use it are fucking hypocrites.

"So is it that I'm poor, Hispanic, an orphan and not going to college," Santana counts off on her fingers, "or just that I'm a _girl_."

Mrs Pierce sighs. "I'm not going to pretend that's not a concern, but that's not why I'm doing this. Honestly, I think we'd be having this same conversation if you were a boy."

Santana snorts, because she's really having trouble believing that's true, but there's also something about the way Mrs. Pierce looks almost pained that makes her second guess her doubt.

"Next year Brittany is going to be going to school in New York like she's dreamed about her whole life. She's going to attend one of the most prestigious performing arts universities in the world where she will meet talented and creative people who love the things she loves. Who share the same passions. Are you going to go with her Santana? Work some minimum wage job and live with four roommates in a shoebox apartment while Brittany lives in the dorms with her new friends? Watch as Brittany makes a life that won't include you? Or are you going to stay here and fool yourself into thinking that long-distance relationships can last?"

Wincing, Santana feels the words twist and shift within her and turn into doubts, reigniting fears that she's tried to ignore for too long. She thinks about Quinn and Puck and how fucked up everything is between them. How in the beginning she always used to tell him that it could never last because they were both so different, and how she fooled herself into thinking that she and Brittany could be the exception.

It must be all over her face, because Mrs Pierce sounds almost maternal and comforting when she continues.

"I know it sounds harsh, but these are the realities that you're going to face, and there's no point in sugar coating anything."

Santana sets her jaw, not wanting to hear anymore as she feels all of her hurt and disappointment spark into anger.

"So why don't you just talk to Brittany about this?"

Mrs Pierce sighs, and despite her anger Santana can't help but acknowledge that at least the woman is showing genuine emotion about the situation.

"I'm not proud to admit it, but it has been difficult for me to be close to my children since the death of my eldest son. It's been especially hard with Brittany. It's always been hard with Brittany. She's always been different. A free spirit. I'm sure you understand what I mean. It's not a bad thing, but I've just always struggled to relate to her, and especially the last few years. She doesn't get tethered down by the things most people do, the realities of life. Even as a child I could never stop her from doing anything she wanted, the only thing I could do is take things out of her way so she doesn't get hurt."

"I'd never hurt her."

Her response is immediate and she says it with all the conviction she's capable of. If she knows one thing in this world it's that she never wants to hurt Brittany.

"I believe that you don't want to. I can see that you love her. But that doesn't mean she won't get hurt. You _both_ will. I'm sure you think that what I'm doing is horrible. Interfering like this and asking you to break my daughter's heart. I'm sure you think I'm a monster. I think Brittany already does."

Mrs Pierce's eyes find the table and Santana can see the hurt in the older woman's expression at that thought.

"I'm sure she's told you things about our relationship. But I love my daughter. And believe it or not I'm doing what's best for her. And for you, Santana. The two of you live in different worlds and you know it. You've probably known it since the first moment you met her. There have probably already been problems because of it. Your worlds will only grow further apart the older you get, and what the two of you have is only going to end one way. You and I both know that. You're old enough to know that I'm right. If it happens now Brittany will go off to New York and start her life and the two of you can get over each other and be happy. If it drags on any longer it's just going to hold her back. She might decide not to go to New York. She might give up on her dreams. Neither of us wants that."

Sitting in front of this woman, adrenaline pumping through her body, Santana wants to argue. She wants to yell _fuck you, you don't know what you're talking about because you don't know me and you don't know how happy your daughter makes me or how I plan to spend the rest of my life making her feel the same way_. She wants to scream and yell and hit things but she doesn't. She doesn't say a word. Because as much as she loves Brittany. As much as her heart swells whenever the blonde smiles at her. Or how safe she feels as long as she's with Brittany. Or how she never thought she had a future until she met Brittany. Santana knows that Mrs Pierce is right. She knows that Puck is right. She knows that life isn't a Disney movie and love isn't enough. She knows that the two of them are no different to Quinn and Puck, no matter how much she tries to convince herself otherwise. They are not the exception.

She knows that Brittany deserves better than whatever she can give her.

.

.

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><p><strong>Dun Dun DUN! Shit really hit the fan in this one huh? One more part left…<strong>

**Please review if you've got a minute…or hit me up on tumblr with any questions or comments! (the link is in my profile)**

**:)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hazzah! I thought I'd surprise you all by updating and finishing this story before I went on holiday. It's a bit rushed but what can you do ;P**

**Please enjoy and thank you :)**

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><p>.<p>

.

Santana Lopez has never broken up with somebody.

Sure, she's avoided and ignored girls before. She's told lies and given fake names and numbers and she's pretended she already has a girlfriend. She's had to remind girls that one night stand means _one night_. She once told a girl that she was moving to another country just so she didn't have to see her again.

But she's never broken up with somebody before.

Not someone she loves. Not someone like Brittany.

(And it would just fucking figure that she doesn't actually want to break up with the first person she breaks up with.)

It's been three weeks since Mrs Pierce came to talk to her at the restaurant and that's all Santana's been able to think about. It's getting increasingly difficult to be around Brittany, to be held by her and kissed by her when she knows that there is a time limit on it all. Every time she kisses her girlfriend she wonders how many more she'll get before the last one.

Brittany has noticed that something is up with her, (of course she has because sometimes Santana thinks her girlfriend knows her better than she knows herself), but she knows her well enough not to push and prod. She knows Santana will tell her eventually.

Santana puts her book down and picks up her phone to check her last message from Brittany again, although she knows it'll say the same thing it's said the last twelve times she's read it.

Brittany wants to meet her tonight at the dance studio because she has something she wants to talk to her about. Santana's not sure what it's about and Brittany doesn't give any indication, so of course her imagination runs wild with every possibility it can conjure.

All she can hear in her head, all she can think about are Puck and Mrs Pierce's words, igniting her own doubts and feeding them until now there not just doubts, Santana has convinced herself that there's no future for her and Brittany.

Any which way she tries to look at it it's bad. Mrs Pierce is right. If Brittany goes to New York and Santana follows her she'll probably end up working her ass off at a place exactly like the restaurant, sharing a shitty apartment with strangers while Brittany lives it up at Julliard, making new friends and not having to worry about money, which Santana will _always_ have to worry about. They would lead such different lives and see each other so little that Santana thinks they wouldn't be able to survive it together. And even if they do, what happens when Brittany graduates and gets a job? Will she go on tour or something and leave Santana in a city and a job that she never really wanted in the first place? And she knows they have no hope if she stays in Lima and Brittany goes off to New York for years. That would be a relationship death sentence too. And Santana couldn't bear the thought of Brittany not going to Julliard and giving up her dreams for her. Brittany would end up resenting her and her family would always hate Santana. She couldn't be that selfish.

Getting a scholarship was her only chance of being with Brittany and now that that ship has sailed she has to face the reality that sometimes love isn't enough and there are few happy endings.

But knowing that doesn't make any of this easier, and she has no fucking idea how she's ever going to break Brittany's heart.

(Break both their hearts.)

-x-

When she gets to the gym a couple of hours later she doesn't go into the dance studio right away. She hears the music as she walks through the building and she knows Brittany is still dancing, so she slows her steps when she gets to the doors and peers in through the window like she did that very first time they met. When Santana catches sight of the blonde her heart starts to race and her breath catches just like it did that first time. Brittany is so beautiful, _so_ incredibly beautiful and the way she moves makes it seem like the music is a part of her body. Like they are working together to create something magical. She feels so lucky to be able to see it.

But then she can't help but think that this could be one of the last times she ever watches Brittany dance, and that warmth in her chest drags down heavily until it feels like a weight in her stomach.

She opens the door and slips into the room hoping not to disturb Brittany's concentration, but the blonde must have been watching out for her because she notices her entry right away, calling out her name and bounding over.

She sweeps Santana up into a hug and the brunette feels most of her anxiety carried away with it, a smile blooming across her face. It's ridiculous how content and happy Brittany can make her feel, despite all the other shit that's been raging in her head for days and weeks. Those bright shining eyes and joyful smile are infectious.

Once her feet are back on the ground a quick kiss is pressed to her lips and Santana notices that Brittany is positively beaming.

"You seem pretty excited about something."

"Well I get to see my amazing girlfriend, I'd say that's pretty exciting."

"Charmer."

Brittany grins and kisses her again, deeper and more passionately this time and Santana can do nothing but give in to it, pressing her body close to her girlfriend. She's going to miss these kisses.

They pull apart but keep their hands connected, Brittany pulling the brunette over to the few chairs along the wall before they both sit down. They catch up about their respective days and it's then that Santana's stomach starts to knot again, when she thinks about how all she did today was think about how she has no future with the girl she loves. She feels her mind spiraling into craziness again before Brittany announces that she has news.

"I'm going to tell my parents about us. I want them to know that I love you and you're going to be my baby mama."

Brittany smiles and winks and Santana's heart does that ballooning thing at the same time as the knots in her stomach tighten even more.

"Brittany you can't do that."

She doesn't want her damaging what little relationship she has with her parents for nothing. Santana knows that Brittany's mother knows about them but during their little talk the other week the older woman said that she wasn't going to tell her husband. They could disown her, and Santana knows exactly what that feels like, so Brittany shouldn't be risking that for her. Not with what she's decided to do.

But the blonde misinterprets her meaning altogether.

"We don't have to worry, San. I know I was nervous about telling my dad but there's nothing he can do to hurt us okay? Plus, I don't think he'll be as upset as I'd thought."

"Brittany we should think about th–"

"It's going to be fine…"

Brittany continues to talk but the words are lost to Santana's ears because all she hear is her heartbeat thumping in her ears and all she can think about is stopping this. She can't let Brittany do this.

"I don't think we should be together anymore."

And so the last few weeks of torturing herself over what she would say and when she would say it come down to this. To her blurting it out in an old dance studio and then holding her breath like a scared child.

Brittany's mouth clamps shut and her eyebrows narrow in confusion, that adorable little crease forming between them.

"San…that's not funny. I don't know why you're being so weird about this but you're freaking me out a little bit."

"I'm serious, Britt. I don't…" Santana keeps her eyes on the floor as she takes a deep breath and hopes to god that she can do this without breaking down and crying. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Brittany is silent for a moment, one that seems to stretch on far longer than it probably actually does. Blue eyes search brown and Santana shifts under the scrutiny, feeling her hands clenching into tight fists in her lap.

"What…what are you talking about?" Brittany stands, an edge creeping into her voice. "Did you take something or spend too long in the sun? Because you're acting really crazy and you don't seem like Santana."

"I just think it would be best for both of us if this ended."

Santana fights to keep her voice level as she watches Brittany shake her head.

"No you don't. Why are you…? How can that be good for either of us? You love me and I love you. Being together is what's best for us, you know that. Why are you saying this stuff?"

Santana knows there are a million reasons why she's doing this, but the only thing she can think to say is, "because it's the right thing to do."

Brittany stares at her like she doesn't recognise her and it's horrible.

"I thought we were past this stuff, Santana. I thought you stopped freaking out about us."

Santana stands, the adrenaline pumping through her veins and forcing her legs to move. She knows she's not saying the right words but she can't fucking think because Brittany is just staring at her looking so fucking upset and scared.

"This isn't me freaking out…this is…this is me being honest with myself about our relationship."

"What are we even talking about?"

Brittany throws her hands up in exasperation and Santana feels like this is quickly turning into an argument, both their voices rising and the tension between them tightening.

"Did I do something to upset you?"

Santana shakes her head. "No, it's not –"

"Then what happened? What is it that's making you say this stuff and think that we need to –"

"You're fucking going to New York!"

Brittany steps back, clearly surprised by Santana's outburst. She's a little surprised herself.

After a long moment of silence she feels the mood shift and her anger drain away, her voice softening.

"You're going to New York soon, Brittany. You're leaving and I'm…not. Everyone knows that long-distance relationships don't work. Especially between people like me and people like you. We fooled ourselves for long enough but it's time we stop now."

Santana holds Brittany's gaze until her vision starts to blur and she's forced to look away, unwilling to dissolve into tears. She needs to stay strong and get through this.

"I thought…I thought we talked about this? There are no _people like you_ and _people like me_, there's just _you_ and _me_. We decided we were going to stay together. That we would figure things out because we love each other. And now you're just giving up?"

Brittany is wiping tears from her face and she just sounds so hurt and looks so scared and confused that Santana feels the impulse to pull her close and hold her, but she knows she can't. It's painful for both of them but she knows it needs to be done.

"There's nothing to work out, Britt. You're going to New York and I can't go with you."

"Then I won't go to New York."

"Britt," Santana almost pleads. "I can't let you do that. Julliard is your dream. You can't give that up for me."

"I don't care where I dance Santana, I just want to dance. And I want to be with you. You're my dream."

"I can't let you stay here and let you ruin your future for me. You'll end up hating me. And you deserve better than that. You deserve better than me."

And Santana knows that that's the truth of the matter. That's what this all comes down to. Even though the thought of it makes her want to throw up, Brittany can easily find someone else to love her. Someone who fits into her world. Someone who can give her the world.

But Brittany just shakes her head again, still not willing to accept any of this.

"Don't you get it? You still don't get it. There is no _better_, San. There's only what's _right_. And you, Santana Lopez, are right for me. I know it, and you know it."

But Santana doesn't know it. Or maybe she does and it's just been buried under everything else, the reality of their situation and the obstacles they face. Either way it all ends the same.

"Look at what happened to Quinn and Puck. We're no different from them."

Brittany doesn't argue that point as they fall into a heavy silence, and Santana is sure that the blonde is finally coming to realise that she is right.

But then Brittany is stepping right up close to her and holding Santana's face in her palms, locking their gaze, blue eyes pleading as tears slide down pale cheeks.

"I wish you believed in us more…I wish you believed in yourself more…but that's okay because I know it's not your fault. You didn't grow up with enough magic and love. But I can believe enough for the both of us for a little bit longer. Please just give me a little bit longer okay? _Please_."

"Britt…"

"Just a little bit longer. I'll make everything okay, I promise. Please San. Please just a little longer."

Brittany's tears and begging nearly breaks her, and everything in Santana is telling her to nod her head and tell Brittany that she can wait. She can wait forever.

But Brittany's right; she doesn't believe. And prolonging this is only going to make it all the more difficult and painful.

So instead she shakes her head.

It's over.

-x-

She calls Puck and tells him she wants to get fucked up like old times. He doesn't ask any questions but he knows her well enough to know that he doesn't need to. He picks her up and they find some old abandoned buildings, (they're not hard to find in Lima Heights), and they drink and smoke weed and she smashes some windows and it does nothing to make her feel any better. So she smokes some more and drinks some more until she doesn't feel anything at all. It's almost the same thing.

At one point during the night, when she's got enough shit flowing through her body to put an elephant asleep, she tells Puck that he was right about her and Brittany.

Puck just offers her another hit.

-x-

Three weeks later she hasn't seen or heard from Brittany. Santana doesn't know what she thought it would be like or how she thought she could cope, but she's not. It's fucking torture. She just _misses_ her so much. She never really realised how much Brittany had become her best friend as well, and she misses talking to her and laughing together. No one can make her laugh like Brittany can.

She's turned into a total heartbroken cliché. If she wasn't feeling so shit she'd kick her own ass. She's listening to sad songs and re-reading her collection of cute little notes Brittany wrote for her and slipped into her bag or a pocket. She's looking at photos on her phone and scrolling through their texts and it's just getting harder every day instead of easier.

(And she's being an even bigger asshole than she normally is to the people around her. People are avoiding her and she acknowledges that she's being insufferable, but it's not too bad because the only person she doesn't mind being around right now is Puck, the two of them and their broken hearts are quite the pathetic pair.)

She drives herself crazy wondering how Brittany is and what she's doing. She questions whether the blonde is just as shattered and barely functioning as she is. She tortures herself with scenarios of Brittany moving on and meeting someone new, almost to the point of making herself sick.

But it's the worst at night. The way her chest just aches. The way her gut tightens unbearably. The way she cries to herself quietly because she doesn't want her cousin or aunt to hear. Brittany's pleading words ring in her mind, almost convincing her to change it. She feels her heart clench every time she thinks about it, because she so very desperately wants to talk to Brittany again and go back to the way things were, but she knows she shouldn't. It almost feels like she's fighting a natural impulse that her body has, the pull so strong, like it knows it was made for Brittany.

But then she reminds herself why she did it in the first place, that they have no future, and it makes it a little easier…but also ten times as sad.

-x-

"What the fuck do you want Fabray?"

Santana scowls at the girl leaning against the fence of her aunt's house, knowing exactly why the blonde is here. She hasn't seen her since Quinn broke up with Puck, out of solidarity and a return to her former hatred, but she just knows this is about Brittany and she really doesn't want to fucking talk about it with anyone, let alone Quinn Fabray of all people.

"To tell you how much of a fucking moron you are for breaking up with Brittany."

Santana rolls her eyes because that's exactly what she thought, but she can't ignore the pang in her chest at the mention of her ex-girlfriend.

"I'm not having this conversation with you Fabray. And like you can fucking talk after what you did to Puck."

Quinn sighs, clearly frustrated, straightening up and taking a step closer.

"That has nothing to do with this, Lopez. Or are you that fucking stupid that you broke up with the girl you love because of me."

"Oh, real nice way to get me to talk to you, insult me some more why don't you," Santana says as she finally decides to go inside and leave her unwelcome visitor behind her. She doesn't need this shit on top of how much she already hates herself.

"Brittany still cries every day."

That stops Santana dead in her tracks. She feels her heart drop into her stomach.

(Fucking Quinn Fabray and her stupid fucking mouth telling her things she doesn't want to fucking hear.)

Santana still has her back to the other girl but she can hear her walking up behind her, stopping just before the steps up to the porch. She doesn't say a word about it though because all she can think about is Brittany curled up in her bed crying, and how she once promised her that she would always be there to make her feel better when she was sad.

(Back then Santana never considered the fact that she might be the one to make her sad.)

"I know you hate me again," Quinn begins tentatively, "but I like to think that somewhere along the way we became friends. Actual friends. And Brittany is my _best_ friend…the best friend I've ever had…"

Quinn's voice trails off and Santana can't move, her body rooted to the spot. She feels a wave of emotion surging through her and has to blink back tears because despite not wanting to hear any of this…she can't quite bring herself to tell the other girl to stop talking.

"I understand that you think you're doing the right thing," Quinn continues with a genuine sincerity that surprises Santana. "I know why you think it will be too difficult for you to stay together. But…have you ever thought that it might be more difficult for you to be apart?"

Santana takes a sharp breath in.

That's exactly what she's been trying not to think about.

-x-

"Tana, I made you something."

Santana drifts her gaze from the TV to her cousin sitting on the other end of the old couch. The eight year old is grinning and it's kind of adorable because one of her front teeth is missing.

"Yeah?"

Anita nods and reaches across to her Dora backpack that sits between them, pulling something out.

"We made cards in class today and we made them for anyone we wanted. I made you one to cheer you up."

Her chubby little hand passes over the paper and Santana graciously accepts it. She takes in all the drawings and the cut outs and reads it over, almost having to choke back a sob as an unexpected wave of emotion swirls inside her.

After the third week of not seeing or hearing about Brittany the eight year old had asked Santana where she was. Santana had debated whether or not to tell her the truth and in the end decided to, simply telling her that Brittany wasn't her girlfriend anymore. Anita had asked her if that was why she had been so sad and Santana had told her it was. Then a warm little hand wrapped itself around hers and Santana had almost burst into tears. Since then, surprisingly, Anita is one of the few people she doesn't hate being around right now and they've been spending a lot of time together. She used to not have any patience for Anita's childhood innocence and hope, but there's something about it that she finds really comforting right now. Probably because it reminds her a little of Brittany.

"I don't want you to feel bad anymore."

Santana bites her lip to try to keep herself from crying, and then leans over to give her cousin a hug.

"I'll try."

Anita gives her a gappy grin when they pull away and Santana smiles in return, her heart warming a little.

"Mrs Wilkinson at school says that you shouldn't feel bad as long as you try your best and you ask for help when you need it."

The eight year old nods her head at the advice and then turns back to the Adventure Time episode they were watching, while Santana just keeps staring at her profile, feeling like she's just been slapped upside the head as Anita's words run through her mind again and again. The eight year old is like some little sage fucking yoda, and it's almost like a fog has been lifted in her mind and she can finally see things clearly, things she should have seen before.

All she can think is that she _didn't_ try with Brittany. She didn't ask for help. She just saw all the roadblocks ahead and decided that giving up would be easier. She didn't try to find another way and she didn't ask anyone for help and she turned Brittany away when all she asked was for her to try.

Santana has spent her whole life not trying but she promised herself that she would always try for Brittany and she broke that promise. She doesn't want to be like her mum and her aunt and Puck. She doesn't want to be another Lima Loser just because it's easier than facing the possibility of disappointment. Because yeah, disappointment hurts like fuck but she's survived worse, and nothing could be worse than this. Than being apart from the girl she loves.

She told Brittany that she doesn't believe in them.

She was so fucking wrong.

-x-

The next morning the first thing Santana does is walk right into Miss Pillsbury's office and stand in front of her desk.

"I need your help."

-x-

The next thing almost pains her to do, but it's worth it, Brittany is so fucking worth the text that she sends Quinn.

_Can you help me?_

-x-

It's probably one of the stupider things she's ever done, (and also pretty fucking dangerous considering she can barely see where she's going thanks to the new moon tonight), but Santana somehow manages to climb up a tree and over to Brittany's window.

(At least she really fucking hopes it's Brittany's window.)

She takes a second to compose herself, brushing back her windswept hair and straightening her clothes, but mostly just taking deep breaths and trying to calm her nerves.

She doesn't even know if Brittany will want to see her let alone talk to her, especially this late at night. She was planning on turning up to McKinley tomorrow afternoon but she was sitting at home after dinner and she just couldn't fucking wait another second to try and fix her mistake.

Santana reaches out and taps on the window a couple of times, holding her breath while she waits for a response from inside, but there's nothing and the room is still dark, so she taps again, a little firmer this time.

It takes a moment but Santana can see a sliver of light flick on from under the blind and her heart starts to beat wildly because this is fucking it.

A second later the blind is being drawn up and Brittany is there, standing in her pyjamas and rubbing at her eyes while she yawns and she's so fucking beautiful that Santana can't help but smile. Brittany's eyes finally focus on her and just from seeing her again Santana feels something shift inside her. She feels lighter. Like she's breathing properly again for the first time in weeks.

The other girl looks confused as she unlocks her window and pulls it open.

"Santana? What are you doing here? How did you get up here?"

Santana has to fight the urge to jump right into Brittany's arms because one, she's standing pretty precariously on this roof and two, Brittany might not seem too upset to see her but she doesn't know that for sure, and she doesn't want to risk being pushed back out the window.

"I need to talk to you. Can I come in? Please?"

Brittany quickly glances over at her door before turning back to Santana and nodding, stepping aside to give the brunette room to climb in.

Santana pulls herself in completely gracelessly and when she rights herself she sees Brittany standing before her with a questioning expression.

"Uh, hi," she offers, trying for her most charming smile.

Brittany gives her a small smile in return, obviously waiting for Santana to say what she came to say, and while it's not exactly a declaration of love and forgiveness, the brunette is encouraged nonetheless. At least she isn't been yelled at.

She takes a deep breath, feeling her heart beating in her fingertips and her stomach doing somersaults. She knows she's rubbish with words but if there's one time in her fucking life where she doesn't say the wrong thing she needs it to be right now. This is fucking it. Her big shot.

"I love you Brittany. I love you so much and you were right, I gave up on us and it was so fucking stupid of me." She keeps her eyes locked with Brittany's, desperate to see every reaction to her words. "I just got scared and I'm so used to bailing before things get rough. But I don't want to be like that anymore…" She feels her voice wavering and swallows thickly. "Not with you. I lied to you before because I do believe in us. I believe in us more than anything in this world. And you make me believe in myself."

Santana chances taking a step closer and when Brittany doesn't move away she reaches for the blonde's hands, holding them in her own.

"I'm so fucking sorry that I hurt you Brittany. And…if you can forgive me…" She looks up from their joined hands hopefully, "I want to try and make this work. Make us work. It's not the perfect solution but I talked to Quinn and she's going to let me stay with her in the apartment her dad is paying for in New Haven."

Brittany's eyes widen at that piece of information and Santana almost wants to chuckle because yeah, this is almost as good as admitting that she is actually friends with Quinn Fabray.

"It's a couple hours away from Manhattan and I can go to the community college there and still be able to see you. Miss Pillsbury says it's not too late for me to apply and with my grades and recommendations I'll be accepted. I can take some classes and then maybe transfer to a university or maybe I can become a nurse. I'd still be able to help people and I'd get to be where you are."

She drops Brittany's hands and takes another step closer, their bodies almost pressed together now, and she lifts one of her hands to cup the blonde's cheek while the other settles on her hip.

"I want us to be together Britt and I don't care if we have to be apart sometimes or if it's hard. It'll always be worth it. Being with you is worth _everything_."

She holds her breath as she gazes into Brittany's eyes. All she needs is a _yes_ or a nod or fucking anything to tell her that Brittany is still in this. That it's not too late.

But what she gets instead is Brittany shaking her head, and she feels like someone just hit her in the stomach with a sledgehammer, her head and her hands dropping.

"You can't go to New Haven Santana," Brittany finally tells her, voice shaky, and it's like another hit to her stomach.

Now she wishes to be pushed out that fucking window. But it's her own fucking fault. She did this to herself and she couldn't expect Brittany to wait for her when she refused to do the same.

"You can't go to New Haven because you'll be in New York."

It takes a second for the words to make sense in her brain, but once they do her head snaps up and she's looking to Brittany for answers.

"What?"

Santana feels a little flicker of hope in her chest when Brittany smiles her little smile before turning and going over to her desk, coming back with a large thick envelope and handing it to her.

The brunette notices the New York University logo in the corner and her own name on the address label and doesn't know what the hell is going on, her stomach twirling like a motherfucker. She's never seen this envelope before and there's no way she can afford to go to NYU.

"I had Anita steal it for me," Brittany explains with a wink. "We're in cahoots. Open it."

Santana does as she's told, her shaking hands moving quickly until she's pulling out a bunch of papers and brochures.

"Britt…this…" she quickly glances at the items in her hands and then back up to the smiling blonde, "this is an enrolment pack."

She shakes her head trying to make sense of any of this. She can't go to NYU. It's not possible.

"And look," Brittany says as she offers Santana another envelope, and the blonde is looking too damn excited about it for this to be a bad thing.

Santana's brow furrows as she opens it, unfolding the letter, her mouth dropping as she reads it.

"Britt…what…what did you do?"

Brittany is biting her lip looking somewhere between nervous and excited. Santana takes shallow breaths, struggling not to completely freak out.

"You're the first and only recipient of the April Rhodes scholarship," Brittany repeats the words Santana has just read. "April and her husband are paying for your school, San."

Santana shakes her head, not understanding any of this or how it's possible.

Brittany takes one of her hands and brings it to her lips, kissing the back of it.

"Last week I saw April at one of my mum's charity things and she asked why I was so upset. I told her about us and she offered to pay for you, on the spot. She even took her chequebook out. At first I thought it was just because she was drunk, you know, because she always is. But the next day she called me to say that she'd already paid NYU. She really loves you, you know that? Although from now on you'll have to pretend that you're her illegitimate child."

Santana tries to speak but nothing comes out, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. Her heart is beating so fast she's pretty sure it's going to explode. This all sounds so fucking crazy and she blinks quickly, wondering if she's dreaming or something.

"Wait," she finally says, her mind sticking on something Brittany just said. "This happened a week ago? Why didn't you tell me?"

The blonde smiles sheepishly. "I knew you'd change your mind."

-x-

Santana Lopez has always been clever but she thought she'd learned everything she needed to in her first seventeen years.

She thought she had it all figured out. She thought she knew who she was and her place in this world. She thought she'd never leave Lima Heights and she'd end up just like every other Lima loser. She thought she'd still be side-eyeing that asshole cop Tanaka even after he'd retired. She thought she'd still be working at the restaurant when she was going through menopause. She thought she knew it all.

But then she met Brittany Susan Pierce and realised that she knew nothing about life and definitely nothing about love.

So in the last five years she's learned a lot.

She's learned that you can't always pick your roommates and sometimes you end up with a goth who seems more interested in dead bodies than medicine.

She's learned that her lovely and amazing girlfriend will talk to strangers on the subway no matter how much it freaks Santana out.

She's learned that deciding to move in with said girlfriend off campus three years ago was definitely the best decision they could have made, despite the creepy neighbour next door.

She's learned that as far as unofficial quasi-adoptive mothers go, April Rhodes is pretty fucking great.

She's learned that a shop three blocks away from their apartment makes her favourite ever sandwich and the one next to it makes Brittany's favourite ever milkshake and that the park across from them both is the best place to have lunch together on a warm summer day.

She's learned just the right spot to massage Brittany's feet after a long day.

She's learned that a lot of times that leads to awesome sexy-times.

She's learned that accidentally falling asleep overnight in the NYU library gives her a sore neck and makes her girlfriend mad.

She's learned that Quinn Fabray can actually be a pretty awesome friend, despite the fact that she's gone all hipster and is studying photography and they have to travel to Brooklyn to see her.

She's learned that Brittany's ring size is seven.

And today she's remembering something she learned years ago in Lima Heights when she thought she already knew it all.

She learned that love is worth fighting for and that sometimes fairytale happy endings can happen.

Because Brittany Susan Pierce just agreed to marry her.

.

.

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><p><strong>Awww…who doesn't love a bit of a fairytale happy ending :D<strong>

**Please review if you've got a second...but thank you ever so much for your reviews, alerts, favourites, PMs and tumblr asks…you are all beautiful and wonderful and amazing. Feel free to hit me up on tumblr any time about anything!**

**:)**

**EDIT- a series of one-shots will follow this chapter as soon as i finish them**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: That's right there's more, despite me saying there wouldn't be. People had a lot of questions after the last chapter and I realised how much I left out, so we're back. Deal with it :P **

**Glee is obviously getting worse by the minute (not that I watch anymore) and I'm just praying for Naya Rivera to book another TV show and get her fine ass up out of there…and as far as I'm concerned they've fucked up Brittana beyond repair…so it was hard to find motivation to continue this…but I like my characters so imma stick with it. This is the first in a series of sporadic I don't know how many shortish oneshots.**** There's nothing really dramatic, it's more like a catch-up of what's been going on.**

**I'm dead tired and this hasn't been proofed so…deal with it. On with the show…**

* * *

><p>.<p>

.

Santana Lopez isn't scared of anything.

Nothing.

Although that's not strictly true.

She's scared of a few things. It's just that she doesn't want anyone else to know that she's scared of things.

But of course there are some exceptions to that rule.

Puck knows that she's terrified of lizards because when they were thirteen the asshole put an _incredibly_ realistic plastic one in her bag as a joke and stood there laughing while she jumped up and down screaming. After she'd calmed down she'd chased him until eventually catching up with him at the end of the block. She'd punched him in the throat for that. Totally deserved it.

Anita knows that she's scared of clowns because last summer Santana and Brittany took her to the fair and while Brittany was in the line buying snacks someone had bumped into Santana and when she turned and realised it was a clown she jumped back and squealed. The clown and Anita just laughed and Santana barely resisted the urge to kick the guy in the balls. She bribed Anita with $10 to play games and the little girl had won a stupidly massive stuffed dog that Santana then had to carry around all day.

And of course, like with everything, Brittany is an exception to the rule, because she knows what Santana's scared of. She knows about the lizards and the clowns and Santana's inexplicable fear of furbys. But she also knows about the things that really scare Santana, the fears she used to keep tucked up in her heart before Brittany came along. Like being hurt again or losing another person she loves like she did her dad or not being good enough or people she loves leaving her. And it was terrifying at first, sharing those things with Brittany, and sometimes Santana's still scared of them, but Brittany does a really good job of easing her fears.

So besides those few exceptions, Santana tries very hard to make sure she doesn't show fear. She grew up believing that it was a weakness, and that's a hard habit to break.

So she's absolutely fucking mortified that she's sitting in an aeroplane trying not to hyperventilate and cause a scene in front of everyone in the cabin.

"Why didn't you tell me you were scared of flying?" Brittany asks her gently, one of her hands trapped in the death grip Santana has on it, the other rubbing Santana's back soothingly.

"I didn't fucking know. I've never been on a fucking plane before."

Santana winces, knowing Brittany doesn't deserve the harsh tone in her voice.

"Sorry."

But Brittany, ever the perfect girlfriend who understands and loves all of Santana's more abrasive personality traits, shrugs it off.

Santana's eyes dart around the cabin, embarrassed that anyone might see how much she's freaking out. Thank god they're in the shitty exit seats right at the back of the plane.

She had no idea she'd react this way. She'd been nervous because she's never been on a plane in her life before, but Brittany was her usual calm and cheerful self, even more so since they were heading home for the holidays for the first time since they've been in New York, and that had helped to calm her nerves. But then they'd actually taken off, and Santana had started to feel her heart start beating double time, her chest constrict, and it hadn't been long before Brittany noticed something was wrong.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Santana takes a deep breath, willing herself to calm down, if not for her own sake then for Brittany's, her girlfriend looking concerned and worried.

But the deep breathing isn't working and it's only making her feel more panicked, which makes her worry that one of the flight attendants is going to notice and she'll feel like even more of a spaz and they'll fuss over her and she'll panic even more. She doesn't even know why she's anxious, she knows the plane isn't going to crash, but there's something about being tens of thousands of feet in the air in a hunk of metal. And that idiot Puck made her watch far too many episodes of Air Crash Investigators when they were younger.

Her hands are starting to shake and she feels like she can't catch her breath, and then she's worrying about Brittany because she doesn't want her to worry, and it's all spiraling and making it worse.

She closes her eyes, trying to think about her favourite time of the week when she wakes up on lazy Sunday mornings in Brittany's bed, (the blonde was lucky enough to get a single room), the two of them wrapped up in the sheets like a blanket burrito, keeping each other warm from the cold and occasional snow falling lightly outside. Sometimes she'll wake her girlfriend up with kisses, and sometimes it'll be the other way around, but they usually spend most of the morning in bed, kissing and talking and touching and playing and just being with each other in every way, their own little bubble away from the world.

And then she thinks about how her study group on Wednesday nights always ends late because that idiot Celia, (although she's not really an idiot, she's super smart which is why they keep her in the group even though she's super annoying), wants to go over things like fifteen times even though everyone's got it, and Santana never has time to eat beforehand, but Brittany is always there waiting to pick her up outside the library afterwards with a hug and a kiss and Santana's favourite sandwich.

And then she thinks about all the little love notes Brittany still writes her and leaves around her room, and how one time her ridiculous roommate Laura found one and tried to have an incredibly awkward conversation with Santana about how she didn't like girls that way because she'd thought Santana had left it for her. That didn't exactly help their already tenuous roommate relationship.

And then she thinks about how every Monday evening she has to work and Brittany has a late dance class, but they always have a late dinner together and she always ends up massaging Brittany's aching feet back at one of their rooms, and it's so sickeningly domestic and couply but she really fucking loves it.

And then she realises that her hands have stopped shaking. And her breathing isn't as shallow. The knot in her stomach has started to loosen. She no longer feels like she's going to throw up a vital organ.

She lifts her head and meets Brittany's concerned gaze, worry furrowing her brow in the most adorable way and all Santana can think to do is kiss her.

So she does. She stops thinking and focuses on big blue eyes and shifts her head until she's closing her eyes and pressing their lips together. It takes a second for Brittany to respond but once she does it's passionate and demanding, it's lazy Sunday mornings in bed and it's little love notes in her socks and it's foot massages and it's everything that makes Santana feel like a loved up idiot.

It's also nowhere near appropriate for a plane full of people, which Santana well knows, but when a passenger across the aisle asks them to cool it, she just can't fucking help herself and goes on a half-hour tirade about homophobia.

And when that's no longer a distraction, Brittany starts whispering every filthy thing she wants to do to and with Santana, trailing her fingers with a feather-light touch up the inside of Santana's wrists.

It's a sick and wonderful kind of torture, but Santana's always known Brittany is a genius. She found a cure for her fear of flying.

-x-

Santana sits on her massive four poster bed and glances around her equally massive bedroom, thinking about just how fucking surreal her life has become. It's great, so fucking great and better than she could have ever hoped, but this room and this house is a world away from her old room at her aunt's house.

She runs her hands over the freshly laundered black silk sheets, wishing that Brittany would be sleeping in them with her every night. But Brittany is staying with her parents of course, she's missed her sister more than she'd thought she would, and even though Brittany's parents had the last couple months of school and a whole summer to get used to their relationship, they're still not down with the two of them sharing a bed under their roof. Santana is happy to stay at April's, (although April keeps reminding her that it's her house now too), and she would have felt really awkward living with the Pierces in their sterile white house anyway, but she still hates being away from Brittany when she doesn't have to be. It's only been a couple of hours but Santana misses her already.

(She knows she's pathetic.)

She stands and moves over to her suitcase, kicking open the flap and pulling out her clothes to hang them up, reuniting them with the rest of the clothes in her wardrobe. Most of them are new or near enough, (especially the summer clothes that she hasn't really needed in New York yet), the result of an incredibly expensive shopping trip that April had dragged her through and paid for. Santana still felt uncomfortable about it, she wasn't at all used to adults being generous with her, but April insisted, and it had actually turned out to be a pretty awesome day.

If her life were a Disney movie April would definitely be her fairy godmother, although Santana considers her to be more like a super crazy, kinda drunk, very outrageous aunt.

(And much more fun and giving and loving and accepting that her actual aunt.)

As if it wasn't enough that April was paying for her schooling and everything that goes with it, as soon as Brittany hinted at the fact that Santana wasn't altogether welcome at her aunt's house, April insisted that she move into her mansion for the summer until she left for New York. Santana was unsure at first, she'd been spending a lot more time with April and they had fun, but moving in was a massive deal. She'd be leaving her aunt but she'd also be leaving Anita. She'd be further away from Puck and her Lima Heights friends but she'd be closer to Brittany. But Santana had started to see how lonely April really was, her husband away on business so much, and she'd decided to give it a go.

And it turned out pretty fucking great.

It was still weird as fuck, but April gave her space and encouraged her to do what she wanted but still showed concern and interest in her life, and it was kind of exactly what Santana had always wanted. A parent-like figure that actually cares about her and her future. God knows April has her own problems, but they were kind of a damaged pair, helping the other out just by being there.

Santana hears a knock on her door and pops her head out of her walk-in-wardrobe, a smile curling her lips when she sees April standing there in the open doorway of her bedroom.

"Hey."

"Hey Sugarplum," April greets her with a wide smile. "You settling back in okay?"

Santana nods and steps back into her room. It had been more comforting to see April waiting for her at the airport than she'd thought it would be, even with the silly brightly coloured _Santana-Banana_ sign held above her head. It was nice to have someone waiting for her, even with the embarrassing sign. At least it helped Santana pick out the child-sized woman in the crowd.

"Yeah. Thanks for letting me, you know, stay here for the holidays."

"Oh Poptart, you know you're always welcome here. Mi Casio su Casio."

Santana scrunches her eyebrows and hides a smile at April's butchering of the Spanish language. Somehow it's still not as bad as when Puck tries to speak Spanish.

"So hows about we put up the Christmas tree while singing along to the Jessica Simpson Christmas album? That woman might be nothing but an incubator with enormous breasts now, but once upon a time she was just a girl from Texas with enormous breasts who could really belt out a tune."

Santana's skeptical, and she'd rather have sex with Puck than listen to Jessica Simpson, but she does want to spend some time with April and putting up the tree could be fun. Plus, she has no doubt that April will hook up her microphone and drown out Jessica's singing anyway. After hanging out with April she quickly realised that activities with her usually end in karaoke or impromptu performances.

"Sure, sounds good."

April claps her hands delightedly. "And we can pop open a bottle or four of wine."

"You know I'm only eighteen, right?"

April looks at her in confusion for a moment before nodding her head slowly, like something's finally clicked into place, and tapping her nose conspiratorially.

"You're right. If you're old enough to get drafted to 'Nam you're old enough to drink. Four bottles for me and we'll start you with two."

Santana smiles and follows April out of her room, not at all opposed to that plan.

She's glad to be home.

-x-

It's a couple of nights later and Santana is sitting ramrod straight on a chair in Brittany's parent's dining room trying to not break anything or ruin anything. She's not sure what damage she can conceivably do in this current position, but she's sure that if anyone could do it, she fucking can. The last time she was in this house she accidentally knocked over her glass in the lounge and watched helplessly as her Coke spread all over the expensive white carpet like a brown fizzy waterfall. She still had traumatic flashbacks over it. Ever the perfect host Mrs Pierce was gracious about it, but even though Brittany totally took the blame for it Santana could just feel that Mrs Pierce was suspicious. Brittany keeps assuring her that it isn't the case and that her parents like her, but Santana can't help feeling like Mrs Pierce is just waiting for her to fuck up. She has no proof of this of course and Mrs Pierce is always polite and welcoming, but Santana still feels like she has something to prove.

Which means she's bricking it every time she's in the older woman's presence.

She's even more scared of Mr Pierce, who is surprisingly accepting of her relationship with Brittany, (Santana thinks it's more that he just pretends they're best friends), but especially since the political nomination he'd hoped to get was instead won by some super conservative evangelical asshole who wants tax cuts for the rich, less benefits for the poor, prayer in school and of course total control over American vaginas. Mr Pierce is actually a totally decent guy but Santana has been around him even less than she has Mrs Pierce and is even more intimidated by him. It doesn't help that he's six foot five and built like a brick shithouse. And especially since try as he might, the guy has got to know that she's sleeping with his daughter, and Santana's sure that's not a great thing for any father to know.

So this dinner with Brittany's perfect blonde family is pretty much Santana's nightmare.

(Although the food is completely delicious.)

It's not that the Pierces are rude or cold, it's just that Santana is not used to living in their world, and she's constantly worried that she's going to fuck something up. That she's going to curse or use the wrong fork or not know some protocol or something that only rich people have. She feels like she has to concentrate so hard on her table manners that she sounds like a moron half the time when she speaks. She's like Jack going into first class in _Titanic_, although if she were Jack she'd figure out a way to get both of them up on that wooden door because she's not a fucking moron. And she saw those photos on the internet – it can totally be done.

"So Santana, Brittany said you're staying with April Rhodes again while you're here?"

The brunette swallows her mouthful and nods her head at Mr Pierce's question, her voice starting a little shaky.

"That's right, Sir."

He gives a dismissive wave. "Santana, I told you to call me Rob."

"Sorry Sir." Santana winces while the rest of the table laughs. "I mean, Rob."

"Well, April is quite the character," Mrs Pierce continues, "and she never stops talking about you at the club. How you're in New York studying to become a doctor. She's definitely very proud of you."

Santana feels her cheeks flush because she's never been good at receiving any sort of positive attention from adults. It's made even worse when Brittany leans across and kisses her on the cheek.

"We're all super proud of her."

Mr and Mrs Pierce smile while Brittany's sister Leah mutters out _'gross'_, for which she receives a warning glare from her mother.

Santana feels like her face is on fucking fire and though she's hoping for to escape further attention she's in no such luck, not when Mrs Pierce addresses her again.

"And how are your studies going? Are you enjoying NYU?"

Santana's eyes dart from one Pierce parent to the other as she clears her throat. She's not sure how this could be a dangerous subject but she's still cautious about saying the wrong thing. Brittany can obviously sense her nerves because she places her hand comfortingly on her thigh, and Santana feels herself calm a little.

"It's been a big adjustment but I'm enjoying it so far. It's mostly intro courses this semester but I've got some professors that I like. My roommate is a bit of a nightmare though so I spend a lot of time in the library."

"Or in my room," Brittany adds innocently, referring to the amount of time Santana _actually_ spends studying in her room.

(And Santana feels the heat in her cheeks again because yeah, they do study a lot in Brittany's room, but half of that is studying each other's bodies.)

(And by the slight widening of both Pierce parent's eyes, Brittany's comment and Santana's reaction don't seem so innocent.)

"We study," Santana blurts out like an idiot, irrationally terrified that they can read her thoughts.

She tries not to catch Mr Pierce's eye, but thankfully Mrs Pierce has the grace to smile and change the subject.

"Britt said that you're working as well? You must be a busy girl."

So Santana tells them about her job working a couple of shifts a week at the painfully hipster café because April has been so generous to her and she wants to contribute where she can.

She knows she gets points from both Pierces for that one.

Thankfully after that the conversation turns to Brittany and her classes, giving her a reprieve. She eases into the discussion the longer it goes on and the longer she goes without doing something embarrassing. She's thrilled that she has some intelligent things to say when the talk turns to politics, and the Pierces seem to enjoy hearing about her and Brittany's adventures in New York and their explorations of the city.

All in all it's a great night, and Santana's beaming as she's pulling on her winter coat and gloves in preparation for the short walk back to April's. It's freezing outside but the walk was Brittany's idea, the blonde telling her that she wanted to walk her home and kiss her on her doorstep because it would be romantic. Santana can't say no to that, even if her lips will be frozen by the time Brittany kisses her.

They walk close beside each other holding gloved hands, and when Santana glances up just as the street lighting catches Brittany's face she can see that her girlfriend's cheeks and nose are adorably red, so she just has to pull her closer and make out with her for a bit. Anyone with a pulse would do the same.

Santana gloats about the success of the dinner and her greatness all the way home, reminding her girlfriend how awesome she is and how charmed her parents are by her. She might exaggerate a bit, but she didn't curse or accidentally burp or knock anything over, so she's calling it a victory.

When they finally get to April's front door they make out a little more and murmur sweet nothings onto each other lips and Brittany's hands sneak under her top and Santana really _really_ wants her girlfriend to come inside and warm her up but she knows it's not going to happen. At least not tonight.

She doesn't know how long they've been standing on the doorstep when the porch light starts flicking on and off, and Santana steps back to look through the glass panel surrounding the door, not at all surprised to see April standing there laughing her ass off while flicking the light switch with one hand and holding a glass of wine with the other. She notices Santana's face and waves, then yells _"I feel like a mum in a teen movie!"_ through the glass and gives her a thumbs up.

Santana shakes her head and Brittany giggles, pulling Santana into her again. The blonde kisses her nose, each of her cheeks and then her lips.

"I love you Santana Lopez."

Santana feels warmth spread from the pit of her stomach and leans forward to kiss her girl again.

"I love you Brittany Pierce."

Their lips are about to meet again when they hear _"I love you both!"_ being shouted from the other side of the door and they know it's time to call it a night.

-x-

"Tana, Britt! Look, I can do a twirl!"

Santana looks up and smiles at Anita, clapping but also sighing with relief when the little girl twirls in her ice skates and doesn't fall and break her ass or something else. The last thing she needs is Anita accidentally chopping off her finger with her skates. Then her aunt would sure as fuck find out about this little outing and probably have the police charge her with child endangerment or some ridiculous shit.

She and Brittany are spending the day with Anita, helpfully arranged by her cousin Ricky who doesn't share the same homophobic beliefs as his mother. As soon as Santana told her aunt that she was moving in with April and then leaving for college she was told good riddance and that she would never get to spend time with Anita again. But thanks to Ricky that wasn't true, and she spent time with Anita over summer and now sends Ricky letters every week to give to Anita. She's thankful that she still gets to see her cousin and that Anita and Brittany still get to see each other. Brittany really loves that little shit.

Deciding to take a bit of a break Santana skates to the edge and stomps along to one of the benches, watching as Brittany takes Anita's hand and they glide around the rink together, delighted smiles lighting up their faces. Brittany looks absolutely beautiful and Santana can't help but imagine Brittany being a mum, a mother to _their_ children, the thought warming her belly. She knows they're not anywhere near ready for that, but the thought of having a child no longer scares the shit out of her. Progress.

They have lunch after ice-skating and then head back to Lima Heights so that they can go back to the dance studio where it all started. (It's closed for Christmas but Mike was kind enough to lend Brittany the key to for today.) They dance around like idiots for a while, then Anita gives a little performance from the Christmas show her school is putting on, and then Santana and Anita harass Brittany into dancing a couple of her routines.

Watching Brittany dance is hypnotising and beautiful and extraordinary and Santana feels privileged to get to witness it. She and Anita give her a standing ovation.

Finally they end up sitting in the centre of the studio, Christmas carols playing softly in the background.

"Hey Midget," Santana addresses her cousin affectionately, "since we're not going to be able to see you on Christmas day, Brittany and I wanted to give you your presents."

Both older girls laugh at the way Anita's eyes light up and she claps her hands excitedly, chanting _presents_ over and over again.

Santana reaches behind her and pulls out the bag of presents, sitting it between her and Brittany so they can both hand them out. It's not much, Santana couldn't afford much and she didn't want Brittany to go crazy, but it's little things that she knows Anita will love, some dolls and dance stuff and even an old sweater of hers that her cousin absolutely adores.

"Thank you Brittany," Anita says when the presents are unwrapped, crawling over and flinging herself into the blonde's arms, Brittany grinning and hugging her back just as tightly.

A moment later Anita is wrapping her arms around Santana. "You're my favourite 'Tana."

Santana feels her heart soar, her arms hugging her cousin just that little bit tighter.

-x-

Santana takes a sip of her beer and glances around, marvelling at how so much of the scene before her is so familiar, yet so much has changed. It's a party just like the many she went to during high school and most of her friends are there, (so are a lot of actual high schoolers which Santana finds a bit gross), but it feels different. Everyone is changing and making new friends and finding new interests and it's not quite as easy as it once was. She thinks it's mostly a good thing, she certainly knows it has been for her, but being back here, back with the friends that have mostly stayed together in Lima Heights, she feels a little disconnected. Like they've all moved on a bit.

Although, that's not true for everyone.

Santana can always count on Puck to remain a constant, and right now he's laughing with the cute blonde sitting on his lap and living up to everything he's always been. She was introduced to the blonde earlier and almost broke her face from rolling her eyes so hard. The blonde is Kitty, a petite blonde cheerleader from McKinley Prep. A Quinn Fabray clone.

It is embarrassing and pathetic and she told Puck as much but he doesn't seem to care. He's still working so they haven't been able to talk much since she's been back and she was hoping they would tonight, be he seems otherwise engaged.

Although any thought of Puck is quickly forgotten when she feels long arms wrap around her middle and a familiar body pressed against her back. Her hair is swept aside and wet kisses placed across her shoulder and up her neck. Santana groans and lets her body sink back further into her girlfriend as Brittany's hands flirt with the hem of her top. She's not even concerned about the show they're inadvertently putting on for some high school boys.

Before anything can get too raunchy though, the real Quinn Fabray is standing before them, looking a lot more intoxicated than when the three of them had lunch two days ago. Before that she hadn't seen her since the last time Quinn came down to visit from New Haven three weeks ago so Santana's still not used to this shaggy short haircut. It looks good though.

"Quinn!" Brittany shouts in Santana's ear and then disentangles herself from her girlfriend, gliding over to hug their friend.

Santana isn't a hugger unless there's a tall blonde named Brittany involved or April is forcing one upon her, so she settles with a nod and a smile.

"Where have you been Fabray? Getting cosy with a high school freshman?"

Quinn shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "The boys at this party are dicks."

Santana watches her friend's gaze shift to look over her shoulder to where she knows Puck and Kitty are making fools of themselves. Her and Quinn are pretty good friends now but they still steer away from anything involving Puck. She knows from Brittany that Quinn is still getting over their relationship, and she's dated a few guys in New Haven, but it's still gotta suck watching your ex macking on a slightly younger version of you.

"Well then maybe it's time for your first college lesbian experience," the brunette teases, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. "It's practically a rite of passage and there are plenty of cute girls here."

That comment earns her a playful slap and a cry of protest from her girlfriend, so Santana turns to Brittany, wrapping an arm around her hip and pulling her closer.

"I'm sorry, baby. I meant cute for Quinn standards. Obviously every other girl here is a bow-legged, hunchbacked, facial hair growing troll compared to you."

She leans in and kisses the pout off Brittany's lips, the two once again getting lost in each other.

"You two are disgusting. I am literally disgusted. What happened to you Lopez?"

Far be it for Quinn Fabray to let a moment like that pass without ruining it, although Santana can't really blame her, she'd do the same if Quinn was acting like a loved-up asshole in front of her.

Brittany playfully shoves Santana away from her with a smirk and the brunette just grins and shrugs her shoulders.

"And I don't want to break your brain or anything, Lopez, but that ship has sailed."

Quinn smiles smugly and it takes a second for Santana to realise what she's implying, but once she does, the way her eyes widen and jaw drops is almost comical.

.

An hour later a slightly inebriated Santana is pressing Quinn for details about this alleged lesbian hook-up, but the blonde doesn't seem too fazed. In fact she seems very amused by Santana's bemusement.

"It was a one-time thing," she says nonchalantly, taking another sip of her drink. "Well, maybe a two-time thing."

Santana's jaw drops again and Quinn just laughs, very much enjoying this whole thing.

"But don't let your imagination run away with you, Lopez. There will be no threesomes in your future."

And with that Santana is spitting out her mouthful of beer. She just wants to scrub her brain clean after that comment.

(Okay so maybe the _completely unwanted_ thought popped into her head for the tiniest of microseconds when Quinn first mentioned her lesbi-ventures, but seriously, Quinn is objectively hot and all but seeing her naked would be like seeing her aunt naked or something and that shit is fucked up.)

"Well someone thinks they're hot shit," Santana replies after wiping her mouth. "I hate to break it to you Fabgay, but I've already got the only girl I want."

It's then that she realises she hasn't seen Brittany in a while and she glances around the room trying to catch sight of the blonde. She's not the crazy possessive type that needs to know where her girlfriend is and who she's with every moment, but it's a party with a whole heap of drunk guys and Brittany is too nice for her own good. Plus, it's been like half an hour since she last kissed those soft pink lips and she needs some sugar.

She leans over slightly to look through the archway into the other room and it's there that she sees her girl, looking beautiful and outrageously sexy in just some skinny jeans and a sweater. Seriously, Brittany could wear a garbage bag or even actual garbage and Santana would think she looks sexy. It doesn't help that they've barely had sex since they got back to Lima and Santana is going a bit crazy.

But it's not until she manages to pry her eyes away from her girlfriend's perfect ass that Santana notices who Brittany's talking to, her eyes narrowing when she realises who that mop of blonde hair belongs to. And those lips. Fucking Trouty Mouth.

She clenches her fists and feels her adrenaline jack up through her body. She hates that guy because besides being a backwards fucking dipshit he was always mooning over Brittany, constantly trying to talk to her and monopolise her time, and Brittany is too nice to tell him to fuck off so she gets stuck talking to him. He pulled this shit every time he saw them over summer and it pissed Santana off to no end.

But she doesn't want to be that asshole that interrupts every conversation her girlfriend has with someone who might be interested in her. Brittany is a big girl and Santana trusts her, but she also knows that sometimes Brittany really does want her to save her from a conversation with someone. It sucks that Brittany has her back to her because otherwise Santana would be able to tell by the look on her face.

"Oh god is that Sam Evans? Go save your girlfriend Santana."

The verbal shove that Quinn gives her, (as well as an _actual_ shove in the back), are all she needs to get her legs moving and make a beeline for Brittany and the blonde idiot. She knows what she wants to do, she's just worried that she's going to come off like a possessive dick. Although on the other hand, sometimes Brittany gets really hot for her when she takes charge like that. Fucking hell, the line between those two things can be really thin. She's not drunk enough for this shit.

But she just thinks _fuck it_ and marches up to her girlfriend, cutting in between her and a mid-sentence Trouty Mouth and then wrapping one hand around the back of Brittany's neck while she places the other on her hip, pulling their bodies together and kissing the shit out of her. It's all tongues and teeth and gasping breaths and she makes Brittany fucking _moan_ and feels hands wrap around her waist and grab her ass, pressing their bodies even closer together.

It's sexy as hell and totally indecent but as soon as Brittany's thigh shifts between Santana's and presses against her they break apart, both knowing that that's a little too far for public viewing.

Brittany just giggles and buries her head in Santana's shoulder, somehow able to switch from sexy to adorable and back in a heartbeat. The brunette can't go a second longer without having a naked Brittany on top of her so she grabs Brittany's hand to pull her out of the room in the direction of their bags and coats, forgetting entirely that Guppy Face is even there until he calls out a goodbye to just Brittany. He's such a dick.

"Sorry Evans," Santana shouts over her shoulder, feigning sincerity. "I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna need my girlfriend for a second…or a couple of hours…or a couple of days."

.

Thank god for rich kids all living in the same area because it's only a three minute drive back to April's house and Santana can barely keep her hands off the blonde as she drives. They've only managed to have a couple of quickies since they've been back and it's not nearly good enough, so Santana's just about ready to fucking explode with how horny she's been. Brittany parks in the driveway and then they're both scrambling out of the car and up to the front door, Santana fumbling in her bag for her house key. It's takes an extra second to get the door open because Brittany won't stop kissing her neck and grabbing her ass and if it wasn't so cold Santana would totally get buck naked and do it right here, especially with Brittany whispering how sexy she is and how much she wants her. It's totally narcissistic but nothing works Santana up quite as much as Brittany whispering things like that in her ear and Brittany knows it.

They burst through the door and accidentally slam it shut, Santana wincing at the sound and hoping that April's bedroom is far enough way and she's had enough wine not to hear it. Shedding their jackets and shoes they clumsily make their way up the stairs to Santana's room, kissing and touching and barely keeping each other upright as they go. As soon as the door is closed behind them Santana is pressing Brittany against it, one hand reaching for the lock on the door while the other slides under the blonde's sweater, feeling the warm skin of her hip. She kisses down Brittany's flushed neck and Brittany whimpers into her ear, the sound pulling at something low in Santana's belly. Every time she gets to touch Brittany like this it gets more intense and just fucking amazing and she wonders if it will always be this way.

(Although she kind of already believes it will.)

She feels her girlfriend's hands tangling into her hair pulling her even closer and Santana groans, never able to get enough of Brittany. Her hands wander to the hem of Brittany's sweater, pulling away just long enough to lift it over her head, not hesitating another second to press wet open mouthed kisses to the soft skin that's just been revealed, sucking and biting a little too hard and then soothing it with her tongue. She loves the way Brittany's skin tastes and the way it feels under her lips. The way Brittany's hips buck into hers when she hits a sensitive spot. When she bites hard enough to mark her.

Eager to feel more of her, Santana's hands slide around Brittany's back and unclasp her bra, pulling it off the blonde and discarding it before lavishing attention to every inch of her girlfriend's breasts. She sucks and licks and bites and kisses until Brittany is panting above her, worked into a frenzy and pulling Santana back up to kiss her again.

The blonde tries to get Santana's top off but Santana's not having it. This is about Brittany. She needs to have Brittany. She reaches for her girlfriend's jeans instead and unbuttons them, keeping eye contact with Brittany as she slowly kneels down and carefully pulls them down long legs. Brittany keeps watching her, her chest still heaving, as Santana lifts each foot in turn and rids them of the jeans. Still gazing into dark blue eyes she runs her hands up the side of Brittany's legs, slowly caressing the silky skin until she reaches her underwear.

They both know what's going to happen next but Santana wants her girlfriend to beg for it, so she waits a beat knowing it won't take long, a grin spreading across her face as soon as Brittany whimpers, _"San, please"_. The words shoot right down to Santana's core and with their eyes still locked she slowly lowers the underwear until it's discarded somewhere in the room like the rest of Brittany's clothing. Brittany whimpers again and Santana finally breaks their gaze, sitting up on her knees and pressing wet kisses to the skin below Brittany's bellybutton, the hands in her hair pulling even tighter. She kisses down the inside of her girlfriend's hip as she slowly lifts Brittany's left leg, placing it over her shoulder and continuing to taste and nip at the inside of her thigh.

Brittany's head falls back against the door and she brings her hand up to muffle her cries as Santana's mouth finally kisses her where she needs her, her tongue working Brittany to the point of ecstasy only to bring her back down again, over and over and over. Santana teases her until Brittany's legs are shaking and she's telling Santana she can't take it anymore. One of Santana's hands comes up to squeeze Brittany's breast and the other holds Brittany's weight as Santana flicks her tongue and her girlfriend comes undone above her.

Santana helps her ride through it, easing her down again before replacing Brittany's leg on the ground and kissing her way back up Brittany's body. The blonde is still panting and wearing a dopey smile and it's all kinds of sexy.

What's even sexier is when Brittany flashes her a devilish grin moments later.

"My turn."

-x-

With plans to see Brittany later that evening, Santana spends Christmas morning with April. She's grudgingly woken up before eight o'clock by the tiny blonde woman in a reindeer sweater with a nose that actually lights up. She's presented with her own sweater on which there's a Christmas tree with a star that lights up. She wants to fucking hate it but she can't. It's Christmas.

April drags her downstairs to their tree and more presents than Santana has ever seen in real life. She knows for certain that only one of those is from her for April, (she could only afford the first seasons of all the Real Housewives shows, because she knows that April wants to start a Real Housewives of Lima County spinoff and she wants the DVDs for research), so she's not gonna lie, she's totally fucking excited and feels like a five year old again at the prospect of opening all these presents.

She rips through them like a kid with ADD, April clapping and cheering beside her. Santa gifts her almost every apple product on the market, as well as clothes, shoes, make-up, and even some jewellery. But the best present Santana receives that year is the one April hands her, the one that feels suspiciously like a large photo frame. But when the wrapping tears away and Santana gets a good look at her gift her eyes glaze with tears.

"I know I'm not your mother or anything," April says gently, "even though I tried to get the state of Ohio to make it legal for me to adopt someone who is legally and adult."

Santana smiles at the memory of listening to April yelling into the phone about civil rights and accusing the state of racism.

"Anyway, I took a scrapbooking class at the club last month because I thought I'd signed up for a home brewery class but it turned out that I'd checked the wrong box on the form. Can you believe they have scrapbooking classes? It's just cutting things out and pasting them on more paper! They literally teach kids that in elementary school." April shakes her head. "So anyhoo I was stuck in this room with all these stepford wives and I didn't even have my hip flask on me, on account of me thinking I'd be in a home brewing class, so you can't imagine how bored I was."

April rolls her eyes and Santana smiles, knowing how much April hates being stuck anywhere without her hip flask.

"I had to sniff the glue just to get a bit of a buzz. But then one of those bozos starts gabbing about making a poster for her son's soccer team and blammo! I got an idea."

Santana studies her present again, knowing that it's nothing she would have ever thought to ask for, but it might just be the best Christmas gift she's ever received.

She glances at all the photos placed around in a border, her own face featuring in each of them, some with Brittany and some with Puck and some with Quinn and some with Anita and more than a few with April. Lord Tubbington even makes an appearance. Tina and Mike and Kurt and Mercedes are in there too. And they all look suspiciously airbrushed.

But it's what's in the centre of all the photos that touches Santana's heart.

The pictures surround the word _family_.

It's not exactly a masterpiece work of art, but it's worth more to Santana than all the artwork in the world.

.

.

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><p><strong>Hope that feelings-fest was okay!<strong>

**Apologies for the dodgy smut…I'm much better at having sex than writing it. And my writing breaks all the rules of **_**show don't tell**_** because I'm so fucking lazy. Apologies.**

**I know there wasn't much Puck in here…next time, my friends. And I haven't yet decided if I want Puck and Quinn to end up together so if you feel strongly about it hit me up on my tumblr or in a review or PM. And if you've got an idea for a future chapter or want to ask a question or whatevs, said tumblr is - everything-is-funnier-lying-down. tumblr. com**

**Review if you feel so inclined :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I haven't had time to read this through so any glaring mistakes will be fixed tomorrow.  
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**Also, I'm sure some people wouldn't even notice but just in case - I ended up playing with the loose timeline I'd kind of established at the end of chapter five, it's not super important but I just went back and changed it, (added a year), so that the timing in this chapter makes sense.**

**On with the show…**

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* * *

><p>Santana Lopez has never been very good at making friends.<p>

In fact she used to actively avoid it.

Puck just mostly followed her around all the time when they were little kids and he just kinda stuck. Of course then as they got older Puck got more annoying and gross, but he was a loyal friend and put up with Santana's shit, so he became her default best friend and the closest thing she considered family. They also had fun doing stupid shit together. Puck is an expert at stupid shit.

Then there was Rachel Berry. Santana doesn't remember making any conscious effort to be friends with Rachel, they were both just there, hanging out with the other kids on the sidewalk outside their apartment block, and then Rachel announced that they would be best friends on the second day of kindergarten. Santana didn't care either way at the time, so she just nodded and continued eating her sandwich, but after that day they were inseparable. Right up until Rachel moved away and decided she was too fucking good for her.

The other people that drifted in and out of her life she considered to be just people she knew rather than friends. Mike was okay because he was cool with everything and took all of Santana's bitchiness in his stride. Tina and Mercedes were annoying as fuck most of the time but the boys wanted them around and sometimes they were good for a laugh. Especially when they got high. Tina's brother had the best weed. And Mercedes' dad owned the 24hr diner and gave Santana freebies. So it wasn't all bad. Kurt was just another misfit in the group. They were forced to get along because they worked together, and okay, so maybe Kurt was kind of awesome in a super gay and sometimes annoyingly so way, but Santana hadn't exactly set out to be his friend.

Then there was Quinn. Another person that just fucking landed in Santana's life without any kind of invitation. They were nothing but antagonistic assholes to each other until the day Santana realised they were actually friends without ever really meaning to be.

In fact she'd never had to actually _try_ to make friends before.

(Partly because she didn't care if she had any.)

(But mostly because it was easier to reject people before they rejected her.)

That changed with Brittany. When bubbly, interesting, beautiful Brittany landed in Lima Santana had tried desperately to be her friend, although totally wanting to be more, and had gone out of her way to be around the blonde and impress her and try to be the best version of herself.

(She's still not quite sure how she actually pulled it off.)

So it wasn't until she was confronted with college in a whole new city with a roommate and classmates that she hadn't known her whole life that Santana realised that she had no fucking idea how to make friends.

Brittany is great at it, so warm and friendly and inviting that people just start talking to her, and it took her no time to make friends with people in her halls and classes and with randoms on the subway that Santana was instantly suspicious of. Brittany had certainly helped Santana open up and not be such a spaz around other people but by the end of her first year Santana realised that the only friends she'd made in New York were in fact friends Brittany had made. She barely spoke to anyone in her classes and hadn't joined any clubs, her roommate was an asshole, and she mostly kept to herself at work.

It was pretty confronting the day she was scrolling through her contacts on her phone and realised that the only person she really knew in New York was Brittany. She didn't want to be that pathetic person whose life revolved around their girlfriend.

So with Brittany's encouragement Santana slowly started to connect with the people around her. For the first time in her life she found herself in a classroom with people as eager to learn and accomplish something as she was, and she found herself actually wanting to hang out with them. Sure, she was still surrounded by some assholes and idiots, but also some really interesting people. She started accepting the invitations to parties from her co-workers and found that she had fun and that they were actually pretty cool. Nobody cared about the shitty neighbourhood she came from and nobody knew about her family and nobody cared that she's gay. She had gotten so used to hiding and pushing people away in Lima but she felt like she didn't have to do that anymore.

(And having someone like Brittany love her had a lot to do with that.)

Now nearing the end of her second year she and Brittany have a rather large group of friends, and Santana is proud of herself. She can't believe how much her life has changed – how much she has changed. She's started to grow up.

But for however great she feels about her awesome new friendship abilities there is one person Santana just cannot get along with.

Her roommate.

She has not had good luck with roommates.

Last year her creepy roommate Jessica barely spoke a word and gave Santana death stares anytime she so much as breathed loudly. Music without headphones was a no go. Talking loudly on the phone was a no go. Laughing with Brittany was a no go. Jessica was pre-med too and seemed unhealthily obsessed with the human body, plastering pictures of various body parts in various stages of decomposition across her side of the room. It was fucking disgusting, and a total mood killer anytime Brittany was over. Which was another problem because Jessica _really_ hated Brittany, probably just because she was blonde and nice. Pretty much the exact opposite of Jessica.

But her roommate this year has been much fucking worse, and it's not hating Brittany that's the problem.

No, Santana is pretty fucking sure that Grace is in love with Brittany. Or at the very least obsessed with her.

And sure, as far as Santana is concerned Grace is annoying as all fuck. She never stops running her stupid mouth about the Kardashians and Twilight and all those other bullshit vampire/werewolves/magical creature books and Justin Bieber and Real Housewives and CW tv shows and Katy Perry and every other fucking annoying thing Santana hates.

But she could ignore all of that for the sake of a friendly roommate relationship. She really fucking would.

What she cannot ignore, in fact what drives her more than a little fucking crazy, is the fact that Grace practically wets herself whenever Brittany is around.

And it's not just a crush. Santana could deal, and has had to deal, with other people crushing on her girlfriend before. She doesn't like it, but she's learned that when you're with someone like Brittany it's just something you have to deal with because everyone crushes on Brittany, whether they mean to or not. She's just one of those people that makes everyone feel special and amazing. But Santana knows that crushes are mostly harmless and even when they're not, (like with Trouty Mouth back in Lima or with that d-bag Jason in one of Brittany's dance classes), she has never once wavered in her trust in Brittany.

(Even if she wanted to punch Jason in the throat for grabbing Brittany's ass at a party.)

(Brittany beat her to it though.)

So yeah, she could deal with just a crush, but no, Grace is on another level.

It was really fucking weird the first time Santana met her new roommate, Brittany in tow, because Grace completely bypassed Santana like she didn't exist and started hyperventilating over Brittany and babbling about Fondue For Two. Over a couple years Brittany and her internet talk show have inspired a rather devoted legion of fans, however small in number. Mostly they just leave gushing comments or reply videos, or they email or send letters and cute gifts to the post box Brittany set up and Santana tries not to feel insecure about all the marriage proposals her girlfriend receives.

But Grace is that breed of stone cold obsessed fangirl.

And Santana hates it.

Which is why she is currently huffing and sighing and rolling her eyes like crazy while her girlfriend indulges her roommate once again. Brittany knows it gets on her nerves and with a playful grin she insists that being generous with her fans is all part of being an internet celebrity. But Santana won't make the mistake again of pointing out that 4395 subscribers doesn't make Brittany an internet celebrity because the last time she did that she didn't get laid for five days.

(Five days is way too long and she's never going to risk that again.)

Of course Brittany sees the situation a completely different way and according to her, "Grace is just enthusiastic and interested in the craft of making a web TV show and we share an interest in journalism and you're just jealous because Grace likes me better."

(But Santana knows exactly what Grace is interested in.)

So from her bed she watches as Brittany tells Grace about the new editing software she's using and the way her roommate practically moons over the girl, listening intently.

(Of course Santana's frustrations have nothing to do with the fact that she has no idea what either of them are talking about.)

Reaching her peak level of annoyance she leans back against her headboard and turns her attention back to her reading, highlighter in hand. Finals are coming up and she may as well get some work done if Brittany is going to ignore her.

It proves to be a worthy distraction because she doesn't notice when the talking on the other side of the room stops. She doesn't notice anything but the words in front of her until she feels the side of her bed dip, but she doesn't let herself look up, even when Brittany throws one leg over to straddle her hips.

When she doesn't give in and lift her gaze Brittany tries again, pale hands reaching out to try to take the book from her. But Santana is still annoyed and she wants to make Brittany feel as ignored and she felt, so she keeps a firm grip on the book and her eyes down. Sure it's petty, but sometimes she still acts like a moody teenager.

"San."

The blonde draws the word out and starts to run her palms up Santana's arms and Santana really has to concentrate on not looking up because her resolve is two seconds away from crumbling with Brittany touching her like that.

"Baby, don't be mad."

Brittany tries reaching for the book again and Santana gives in, unable to resist her girlfriend's pleading for too long. She's completely whipped that way.

The book is taken from her hands and when she finally lifts her eyes Brittany is smirking, fully aware of the power she has over her girlfriend.

She pouts and Brittany giggles.

"Stop being such a baby," the blonde says softly as she dumps the book on the floor.

Santana huffs and folds her arms over her chest, defiant. She can act like a baby if she wants to.

But after all these years Brittany is unfazed by her moods, reaching for her arms and pulling them apart, then lacing their fingers together between them.

"Grace is harmless and you're being silly but I still love you."

Santana softens slightly because really, Brittany is straddling her and rubbing her thumbs over the back of her hands and telling her she loves her and Santana's only human.

Brittany notices the shift in her mood and smiles, leaning forward to place a lingering kiss on her lips and sucking Santana's pouting bottom lip between her own. The brunette disentangles their fingers and rests her hands on Brittany's thighs.

"You wouldn't like it if I came to visit you and I ignored you and started talking to your roommate."

Brittany rolls her eyes playfully. "Well, first of all we both know that Chelsea doesn't like you so that doesn't seem likely. Sorry baby." Brittany kisses her again quickly. "And secondly, when I got here _you_ were the one ignoring _me_ because you were talking to Quinn on the phone. And you know Grace has taken some of the classes I want to take next year so I wanted to ask her about them."

Santana huffs again, grudgingly conceding the truth in Brittany's response. She had been on the phone with Quinn when Brittany arrived, discussing their impending trip back to Lima for the long weekend, and maybe she had left her girlfriend alone for a little bit. And it was true that as a journalism major Grace could offer Brittany advice about the classes she'll be taking next year when she transfers.

But fuck. Santana doesn't like to be ignored. Or proved wrong. Or apologise.

So she just skips over that part.

"Yeah well, thank god next year we won't have to deal with assface roommates." She slides her hands up to grip Brittany's hips and pulls her closer. "It'll be just you and me."

She surges forward and presses a firm kiss to her girlfriend's lips, their mouths opening instantly. Pale hands tangle in her hair as their bodies press flush against each other and Santana feels that powerful rush of adrenaline and arousal and love bloom within her like it always does when she's with Brittany. She still wants Brittany as much as she always has, even more, and she hopes that never changes.

They kiss heatedly for a few minutes, both knowing that they can't get too carried away because they have to leave soon to have dinner with friends. Eventually they both pull back, a little breathless and lips already swollen, and Brittany takes one of Santana's hands and kisses the back of it.

Santana watches her girlfriend for a minute and notices the subtle change in her expression, one only she would see knowing her as well as she does, the little crinkle between Brittany's eyebrows and the way her shoulders slump slightly. She knows what Brittany's worried about.

"Baby, it'll be okay. Your parents will understand and if they don't then fuck them. We'll figure it out."

Santana lifts her free hand and brushes some hair away from Brittany's face, settling her palm on the hinge of her jaw and caressing her cheek with her thumb. Brittany nuzzles into her touch, and Santana can sense a calmness coming over her, a trust in her words. She loves that she can ease Brittany's worries.

"Together," Brittany says softly but with conviction.

"_Always_ together," Santana whispers before leaning in and kissing her again, their passion and desire from a moment ago returning full force.

Their friends can wait.

-x-

"I just think that it would be much better if you tell them over the phone."

It's two days later and Santana is sitting on her bed watching Brittany pack her suitcase for her, admittedly doing a much better job than Santana usually does. The brunette is trying to talk her way out of the two of them going back to Lima tomorrow morning and decided that acting like a child and refusing to pack was a good stalling tactic. Of course Brittany did the obvious and just started packing for her.

"San, _you're_ the one who said speaking to them in person was the right thing to do," the blonde responds patiently, adding Santana's favourite pyjamas and the little stuffed unicorn Brittany gave to her at Christmas last year to the suitcase.

(Santana will never tell a soul but she sleeps with that thing most nights she's not with Brittany, stuffed between her bed and the wall and under the covers so her roommate can't see it. That freak would probably find out that Brittany gave it to her and add it to the Brittany shrine Santana is sure she has.)

"I think I was drunk when I said that."

"It was in the morning."

"Yup, drunk. I have a drinking problem. Your girlfriend is an alcoholic."

Brittany chuckles and shakes her head, clearly amused by her girlfriend's childish behaviour.

"Baby, you know I have to tell them in person. You don't have to be there with me but they'll be even more pissed if I do it over the phone."

Santana reaches out to her girlfriend and takes her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. She knows she's acting like a bit of a dick, something that hasn't been all that unusual these last few weeks. Sure, she's kind of freaking out that Brittany's parents might find a way to be pissed at her about this, and honestly she's feeling weird about seeing Puck again because shit has been pretty fucked up between them for a while, and there's always some kind of drama with Quinn, but she's just being a selfish idiot and knows Brittany needs her support.

"Of course I'll be there with you."

Brittany presses a smiling kiss to her lips and Santana really fucking hopes that their Lima trip isn't the disaster she thinks it might be.

-x-

Turns out it's quite the shit show.

The day actually starts off rather well, and after an uneventful flight with Brittany whispering dirty things in her ear they arrive in Lima and settle in quickly at April's, (Brittany is staying there with her thankfully), then head over to have lunch with Brittany's parents. Everything is pleasant and as intimidatingly perfect as it always is at the Pierce's, pretty much the direct opposite of the general chaos at April's.

But that all shatters as soon as Brittany starts to tell her parents that she doesn't want to dance professionally anymore and she's transferring to NYU to study journalism. Santana watches Mrs Pierce's face steadily turn red as her eyes flare with barely controlled anger.

Then the arguing starts.

Santana silently sits in place next to her girlfriend on the couch while Brittany and her mother argue. Mr Pierce also keeps quiet, seemingly knowing better than to get involved.

(But Santana's pretty sure he doesn't look happy about any of Brittany's announcement.)

The fact that she and Brittany plan to live together doesn't seem to be an issue or if it is it's on the backburner because Mrs Pierce thinks Brittany is making a terrible mistake and is refusing to try to understand that Brittany doesn't want to pursue dance as a career anymore.

They go back and forth and Santana feels her hands balling into fists at her sides, getting frustrated on her girlfriend's behalf and desperately feeling the need to step in and try and help the situation. But Brittany had made it clear to her that she could handle her mother. Despite the distance between their lives, or perhaps because of it, Brittany and her mum had been rebuilding their relationship over the last couple of years and growing closer, and Santana hates that this might damage that.

But when Mrs Pierce tells Brittany that she's stupid for doing this and that she's throwing her life away Santana can't sit silent any longer. In that moment she doesn't care if it's Brittany's mother or that Brittany pretty much told her not to interfere - nobody fucking calls her girlfriend stupid.

Except when she stands and starts yelling at Mrs Pierce not to call Brittany stupid or underestimate her she doesn't really help the situation. It also doesn't help that she seems to have regressed to her fifteen year old self and every second word out of her mouth is _fuck_ or some variant of it.

By the time her little rant is over all three Pierce's are staring at her in shock.

Santana instantly knows she's done the wrong thing when she sees the disappointment in Brittany's eyes.

_Fuck_.

-x-

"Puck, open the fucking door."

She bangs her fist against the wood over and over again, much harder than she probably needs to, but she's got a lot of anger and frustration running through her right now and she would really like to put her fucking fist through something.

Eventually the door opens and Puck steps aside to let her in.

"Took your time," she grumbles as she slumps down onto his couch. She hasn't spent a lot of time in Puck's apartment at all but she's too jacked up on adrenaline to worry about how weird it feels to not feel completely at home in Puck's home.

"You wouldn't believe the fucking afternoon I've had. Brittany is so fucking pissed at me. Like, worse than she's ever been before. Even that time you and I went to that strip club and lied about it. I swore _at_ her mum. Like actually in her face. In her perfect house. I don't think I'll ever be welcome back in there again. _Fuck_."

She stands abruptly and stomps over to Puck's fridge, opening a beer and gulping down half of it before settling against the kitchen bench, too fidgety to sit down.

"Now Brittany thinks I'm some asshole who won't let her fight her own battles but what the fuck was I supposed to do? Just sit there while her mum talks shit to her?"

She takes another sip of her beer, the cool liquid doing nothing to stop the fire burning within her right now.

"I mean fuck, _I_ was the one who encouraged her to transfer schools since she wasn't happy and now I'm the dick who thinks she can't handle herself and has to interfere in everything? That's bullshit!"

Her mind flashes back to her argument with Brittany, how her girlfriend had stormed out of the house and she had promptly followed, wanting to get away from her train wreck as quickly as possible. She'd finally caught up with Brittany on the sidewalk and rushed to explain herself but the blonde didn't want to hear them, accusing Santana of being stubborn and overbearing just like her mother. Then she told Santana that she wanted to be alone, the brunette left standing there in shock while her girlfriend walked away from her.

Brittany walking away from her has to be the worst feeling in the world. Too many important people have left her and Santana can't help the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach that it's because she's still not good enough. She wonders if that will ever really go away.

She drains the rest of her beer in one go and takes a minute to compose herself.

It's then that she realises that Puck hasn't said a word, just sitting there on his seat playing with his phone.

"Yo!" She smacks the bench top with her palm and yells in his direction. "You gonna just fucking sit there ignoring me?"

Puck takes a moment, then slowly lifts his head to address her.

"Wow San, that really sucks," he says flatly, almost mockingly.

Santana scrunches her face, anger flaring again. "The fuck is your problem?"

Her friend shrugs his shoulders and sighs, and for the first time Santana looks at him properly. He looks tired. He looks older than she remembers. Like a man instead of the boy she grew up with. It's a little confronting.

"Why are you here?"

"Why do you think I'm here? I'm pissed off and I want to bitch about it to my best friend."

"Best friend huh?"

Santana looks from side to side dramatically, throwing her hands in the air. "Have I landed in some fucking twilight zone? Did I fall down a fucking rabbit hole? Yes _you,_ Puck. My best friend."

She heads back over to the fridge, taking another two beers before opening them and taking them back to the couch, passing Puck one as she goes. She doesn't care if she drove over here in one of April's cars or that it's only late-afternoon.

They stare at each other for a moment, Santana taking a few breaths to calm down. She watches her oldest friend and knows that this is bigger than her interrupting his afternoon.

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Puck finally speaks.

"I got a girl pregnant."

Santana's eyes widen. She bites down the impulse to yell at him for being so fucking stupid, but she mostly feels concern for her friend.

"Shit. What…what are you going to do?"

Puck takes a long sip of his beer. "This was months ago. She got…she didn't keep it."

Santana notices the way his shoulders slump and head hangs low. She wonders why he never told her about it and thinks he's probably had to deal with this by himself. She should have been there for him.

"You could have told me," she offers gently, trying to show support, but it's evidently not the right thing to say because Puck's head whips up.

"Well if I thought you still cared maybe I would have."

She's taken aback but still pumped up from earlier and it doesn't take much to get her back on the defensive.

"What the shit are you talking about of course I care."

"Doesn't fucking seem like it."

"Why are you being such a prick?"

Puck hits his fist on the arm of his chair. "Maybe because you fucking ditched me."

Santana takes a second, not quite sure what the fuck Puck is getting at.

"When was the last time we hung out just the two of us? Huh, San? When was the last time you fucking called me just to shoot the shit and ask how I'm doing?"

Santana shakes her head, not willing to cop that. Sure they haven't seen each other or talked much lately, especially just hanging out like they used to, but that's not all on her. Puck has been acting cagey with her for a while now and fuck, she's been busy.

"That's bullshit, Puck. It's not like you're fucking blowing up my phone all the time and at least I come back to visit. When was the last time you visited me?"

"Oh right, because my ghetto ass is going to fly to New York City where I have no place to stay, to visit someone who has no fucking time for me. Face it San, you got yourself a new fucking life with your rich fake mummy and your rich little girlfriend and left me behind. Just like Berry did when we were kids."

That's a fucking cheap shot and it stings.

"Fuck you. I'm not going to feel bad for trying to make something of my life, you dick. I'm not going to apologise for wanting to be with the person I love."

"Yeah well, I'm the asshole for wanting my best friend to give a shit about me then. Quinn dumped my ass and then you spent all summer with April and Brittany, _and_ Quinn, don't think I fucking didn't know that. And then you just packed your shit and left like everyone and everything in this town was something you wanted to forget. Last summer you spent half your time in the city and when you were back here we barely hung out."

Santana runs through the last two years in her head quickly and realises that maybe Puck is right. But when it all adds up like that it sounds bad, like it was something she planned, when it just worked out that way. Shit happened and things changed and she just didn't think. That's the problem.

Running her hand through her hair she takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. The two of them yelling at each other isn't going to help. She's been yelling too much this afternoon and it's getting her nowhere. She feels like the angry kid she used to be, rather than the maturing 20 year old she should be.

Puck finishes off his beer before speaking again. "You should go."

"We should talk about this," she tries to argue, but Puck shakes his head and speaks firmly.

"Just go, San."

She at least still knows him well enough to know when he's had enough, so she stands and makes her way to the door, looking back once she gets there but Puck is still facing away from her.

Fucking great. She's just setting fires and burning shit down everywhere today.

-x-

She zips up her hoodie as she walks around her old neighbourhood, not wanting to risk driving with the beers in her system. She's pissed off but she's not stupid.

Passing by the old apartment block she thinks about how weird it is that Puck doesn't live there anymore. Her whole life this is where she could always go to find Puck, his apartment often more of a home to her than her own was. And now he's somewhere else, and maybe not anywhere. Maybe that Puck is gone. And maybe she's not the same Santana.

So much has changed over the last few years. So much that she didn't even notice. _She_ has changed over the last few years, and somehow she thought that everyone and everything would change with her. But that's not how life works.

She just wasn't paying enough attention to realise it.

-x-

When she gets back home a couple of hours later April is in the kitchen with a glass of red wine and a half-empty bucket of fried chicken. Santana would usually find it worth a joke or two, but she's too preoccupied finding out if Brittany is home, her girlfriend not answering any of her calls or texts and the sun is going down so she's getting worried. Santana is feeling like shit after today and she needs to see her girlfriend. Even if Brittany is still pissed as hell at her, Santana knows that she'll feel better once she sees her. Sure they argue sometimes, but they've never really fought like they did this afternoon, and Santana doesn't know why she didn't just apologise. Brittany was right; she was being a stubborn idiot.

But April hasn't seen Brittany since this morning, and despite the fact that she's not one to talk about her feelings with anyone besides Brittany it only takes a couple of questions for Santana to open up and recount her fuckup of a day, the realisation of just what a fucking mess it was finally weighing down on her.

She leans her elbows on the bench and buries her face in her hands, wishing that she could start this day over again.

April pats her shoulder comfortingly. It's nice, having someone be there for her. Sometimes Santana still worries that April is going to give up on her or get tired of her, like she's a shiny new toy that distracts the woman until she gets bored, but April continues to prove to her that that won't happen.

"You really screwed the pooch didn't you?"

Santana scoffs. It's not quite the sympathetic reaction she was looking for, but at the same time she knows it's what she deserves.

"I think that's an understatement."

The older woman considers her for a moment. "Santana Banana, Lord knows I love the crap out of your little Colombian heart…"

Santana shakes her head in amusement but can't be bothered reminding April for the millionth time that she's Puerto Rican.

"…and the good Lord knows I love that sexy little marshmallow of a girlfriend of yours. And your best friend with the incredibly well-trained baby skunk that sleeps on his head. But you're all young, and sometimes at your age change seems like it's the end of the world when it's really not. Take it from someone who once dated Chaz Bono but was unceremoniously left out of his autobiography; change can be scary and confusing. It can make you act crazy and question things about yourself and who you are as a woman and whether dating a woman who is really a man makes you a little bit lesbian or not."

Santana narrows her eyes but April doesn't give her time to ponder it further.

"Sometimes the change isn't what you want. Sometimes it's the last thing you ever wanted. Like the herp. Can't get rid of that. But sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's exactly what you want or what you needed." She jabs Santana in the side and winks. "Like when you became an unofficial Rhodes-Takada. But either way it's like a Republican saying something offensive; unavoidable. You just have to hold on for dear life to the people you love and stick your head between their legs and hope you make it." The older woman squints. "I don't think I got that end bit right, but you know what I mean. Change is hard. And it's okay to poop it up sometimes. The people who love you will forgive you."

Then she leans over and kisses Santana's forehead and there's something so maternal about it that Santana feels her heart swell and her eyes glaze with tears. She hasn't felt that in a long time. Like her mother loves her.

"I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what you end up doing or who you end up doing..." April lowers her voice, "Although I have money down with Jacob Ben Israel that you and Brittany marry before you're twenty-five. Mama wants a new Benz!"

Santana opens her mouth to express her outrage that such a betting pool exists and to point out that April could well afford another Mercedes Benz, but April beats her to it.

"But I just want you to know that I love you and will always be there for you."

April opens her arms and with a tilt of her head beckons Santana into them, the two women wrapping each other up in a solid hug. The brunette knows that it means just as much to April as it does for herself.

"You know, that was surprisingly wise," Santana says playfully once they separate, trying to lighten the mood.

April beams. "I've been watching that Honey Boo Boo show. Now that woman knows how to parent."

-x-

Santana thinks she knows where to find Brittany.

She just really hopes that Brittany wants her to find her.

After slipping through the side gate like she and Brittany did countless times the summer after high school she latches it again gently to avoid it banging and drawing any attention to her. The sun is well down by now and in her dark jeans and hoodie she'd look like a proper criminal lurking in the shadows to any suspicious neighbours.

She follows the barely lit path she knows so well until it leads her to the open space of the yard where she glances back at the house to make sure no one is around.

When she figures the coast is clear she walks to the tree down the back and thankfully the moon is kind of bright tonight and provides enough light that Santana doesn't kill herself climbing the ladder.

She knows someone is up in the treehouse because of the lamp light shining out and she really fucking hopes that she's not wrong and Brittany's sister Leah hasn't got a boy up there or something. That would be awkward although maybe kind of great because Santana would have blackmail material. Leah isn't exactly Santana's biggest fan for reasons Santana's not quite sure of.

Her entry into the treehouse isn't exactly graceful, but she clambers in through the small entry and pops her head up to survey the area, thankful to find her girlfriend's eyes watching her from where she sits on the bed. Brittany doesn't look surprised to see her but other than that her expression is pretty neutral, which tells Santana that at least she's not fuming mad at her anymore. Plus, Santana knows that she's the only person who would look for Brittany up here, so she's optimistic that part of Brittany wanted her to find her here.

"Hey Britt."

She offers her girlfriend a smile and it's returned, albeit not with any enthusiasm, but Santana will take it. She makes her way over to the bed and tentatively sits with her legs dangling off the side. She really really wants to hug her girlfriend but things feel weird between them and she doesn't know if that would be okay right now.

"Have you been here all afternoon?"

Brittany shakes her head. "No. I saw Quinn for a little bit. I just needed to talk about everything."

And even though she'd gone to see Puck to do the exact same thing, hearing Brittany say that stings Santana a little, especially since Brittany had refused to talk to her earlier.

But she knows bringing that up would be counter-productive right now.

"Did you know that Quinn slept with Puck when she was here for her dad's birthday last month? He's been calling her but she's avoiding him."

Santana's head snaps up because no she most certainly did not know about that. Fucking Quinn. She'll have to kick her ass about that later but she's got more important things to worry about now. And she's wasted too much time being an idiot today.

So she turns her body to face her girlfriend, making sure that she has her attention.

"Britt, I'm so sorry I messed things up today. I should have never spoken to your parents like that and I'll never do it again. I'm going to apologise to them too…if they ever speak to me again."

She reaches out and takes one of Brittany's hands in her own without any resistance, lacing their fingers together like it's the most natural thing in the world, because that's how it feels.

"I know you asked me not to interfere and I did in the worst way and I'm sorry. I really am. But honestly, you might hate me for it sometimes but I don't know if there's ever gonna be a day where I won't defend you. I know you're smart and talented and strong and can handle yourself against anyone but I love you so much and sometimes if someone's hurting you I'm just gonna have a brain fade and want to punch them in the face…or the verbal equivalent. I'm sorry baby but sometimes it's going to happen. "

Brittany's lips curl up slightly and that's all it takes for Santana to feel relief flood through her and some of the tension ease in her shoulders. She knows her girlfriend and she knows when she's forgiven.

"You're a bit short to be a knight in shining armour aren't you?"

Santana's mouth drops open feigning offense, but inside she's mostly just thankful that Brittany isn't mad at her anymore.

"I'm scrappy though."

They share a smile before Santana leans in and kisses her girlfriend, finally feeling the world right itself. Sure, there are still things to work out, but for now she and Brittany are okay and that's what she needs.

Brittany tugs on her arm and Santana shuffles along the bed, allowing herself to be pulled down until she's laying on her back with her girlfriend curling up against her side. She can feel Brittany's soft breath against her collarbone and nimble fingers playing with the hem of her t-shirt and she takes a few deep breaths of her own, relaxing for the first time all day.

"I talked to my parents again," Brittany says after they've been laying in the silence a little while, her tone somewhat sombre. "They're still disappointed but they respect my decision and are going to support me still. Pay for my tuition and living expenses and stuff."

It's good news in practical terms but Santana knows that Brittany's hurt that her parents don't really support her new dream. It had been a little bit of a shock even for her months ago when Brittany had first started mentioning her thoughts about changing her studies, but she also knew that Brittany was feeling unsatisfied with her dancing and like she wanted to spread her wings a little and try something different. She knows it must be scary for Brittany, to want something her whole life only to get it and realise that it's not actually what she wanted after all. But it's also incredibly brave, and Santana is so proud of her girlfriend.

"What if I can't do it, San? What if my parents are right and I can't make it. I had so much trouble in school. Dancing is something I know I can do so maybe I should just stick to it."

Santana shakes her head straight away, turning to face her girlfriend and cupping her jaw with her hand. "Don't even think about doubting yourself Brittany Susan Pierce. You are the most brilliant and talented woman and can offer those bozos something that no one else can. You've already been working really hard on the studying side of things. And NYU accepted you because they obviously know you've got something special. You just might have to prove a few people wrong, that's all."

They stare into each other's eyes and Santana hopes Brittany knows just how much she believes in her, how much Brittany inspires her and how much she loves her. She wants Brittany to feel the way she does; that the two of them together can kick ass at anything.

And she knows Brittany feels it when it's reflected back in those pale blue eyes.

.

"I knew I'd find you up here."

They're wrapped up in each other's arms, legs tangled and skin sweaty with a light sheet covering their lower halves. They hadn't had sex in the tree house since that summer after high school and there's something wonderfully nostalgic about it. That summer was great, full of promise and hope and Brittany. Lots and lots of Brittany.

"You always know how to find me," the blonde says before kissing her again, and Santana knows her girlfriend isn't just talking about her favourite place to hide out.

She also knows that she has to apologise for something else.

"I'm sorry for being a shit lately."

Brittany was no doubt expecting it because she doesn't press Santana or say anything at all, just gently sweeps away some of the dark sweaty hair from Santana's forehead, waiting for the brunette to continue.

"I've been acting like a sullen child sometimes and I think I just got a bit freaked out about how much everything is changing."

It's only after she says it that Santana realises just how much truth is in that statement. She has been freaking out about how much shit is changing in her life and how much shit has already changed. She's been worried about her and Puck for months and she's been worried about not being in Anita's life much anymore and she's been worried about the limits of April's support. She's been worried that she won't be able to cut it as a doctor and she's been worried about how Brittany's change in studies will affect their lives. She's been worried about the two of them moving in together even though she's mostly excited. She's been worried about all that and a million other things that she didn't even realise but looking back she knows that she's been a bit of a handful lately.

But Brittany is there as always, placing a sweet kiss on her forehead and holding her tight.

"I'm sorry too. I should have known you were spazzing out because you get all angry and shouty when you're scared but won't admit it. And I think I've been ignoring how anxious I've been too. These are big changes in our lives, you know."

Santana nods in agreement.

"But you still want to do it right? Move in together? Because we don't have to if you're not ready."

Santana smiles and shakes her head, wanting to immediately dispel any thoughts of her not being ready for them to move in together. Sure it's a big step, but she knows they're both ready for it. She wants to fall asleep wrapped up in Brittany every night and wake up with Brittany's drool on her shoulder every morning. She wants to be able to walk around naked or have sex in their shower whenever they want. She wants to have crazy neighbours instead of crazy roommates. She wants to be able to surprise Brittany with dinner when she comes home from a long day and she wants to be able to make pancakes with her at 3am when they come home from a night out.

She wants somewhere that's theirs. Someplace they can call home and start their lives together.

Which is exactly what she tells Brittany.

Which is exactly how round two starts.

-x-

As soon as the front door is fully opened Santana takes a step forward and punches Quinn in the arm.

It's not uncommon for the two to be physically demonstrative with each other, their friendship developing into a weird quasi-sibling relationship in which they tease and annoy each other constantly for their own amusement. If Brittany were here she'd be rolling her eyes at their antics like she usually does. She knows she's supposed to be practicing the less aggressive way to do things, but Quinn deserves it.

Quinn hits her back just as hard and Santana winces. "What the fuck was that for, Lopez?"

"You slept with Puck."

That shuts the blonde up, looking over her shoulder into the house before ushering Santana back out the door and closing it behind them. Santana stands there with her arms folded across her chest while Quinn takes a seat at the top of the porch steps.

She'd stopped by Quinn's parent's house this morning on her way to meet Mrs Pierce because she wants to know what the fuck her friend is doing with her best friend. Things might be fucked up between them now but Santana knows that Puck is still hopelessly in love with Quinn and that Quinn doesn't feel the same way, so she doesn't know why the fuck Quinn would mess with him like that.

"You want to yell that any louder," Quinn grumbles, but Santana's not really in the mood to apologise.

"Like I care what your Jesus freak parents think. What the fuck were _you_ thinking?"

"I don't know!" Quinn whines, running her hand through her hair. "I was back here for my dad's birthday and I'd had a few drinks and I called Puck. I was lonely."

Santana shakes her head. "That's fucked up, Fabray."

"I know, alright. It was a shitty thing for me to do. It just felt like old times, you know. Some things were simpler back then and less confusing and I think I just wanted to feel that again."

Santana takes a deep breath to calm down. She gets what Quinn is saying. Using Puck is still fucked up but she understands what Quinn's talking about, after all, she'd found solace in the same thing with Brittany last night in the tree house. Sometimes you just want to feel like a kid again. Like your future isn't weighing down entirely on your own shoulders. Like the decisions you make can't affect the rest of your life.

And it's not like she's been the definition of an awesome friend to Puck.

She huffs out a breath and takes a seat on the step leaving a space between them, but not so much that she can't punch Quinn again if she feels the need.

"If you know about me and Puck then I take it you made up with Brittany?"

"Yeah," Santana nods, warmth rushing through her at the thought of her girlfriend.

"Jeez Lopez, I just have to mention her name and you get a stupid smile on your face."

The smile instantly turns into a scowl, Santana suddenly feeling very self-conscious. She had no idea she was even smiling while thinking about Brittany, although it doesn't surprise her really.

"You're really lucky, you know that," Quinn continues, staring out into the front garden. "To find someone at our age that you know you want to be with forever. And you've always known that you want to be a doctor. You're only twenty and you've figured out things that people spend their whole lives trying to answer."

Santana stares at her friend's profile and then back out to the garden, mulling over Quinn's words. Sometimes she does take it for granted, sometimes she forgets that other people her age haven't found the love of their life or their passion. She knows she's lucky in that respect, but that certainly doesn't mean that she has everything figured out. She's constantly stumbling and pulling herself back up and she still has a lot of hang-ups from her past. But she's grateful for the people around her who love her and have endless patience with her. Because loving someone is just as much about allowing them to love you back, and that's something Brittany has taught her.

"You'll figure it out," she tells Quinn, firmly believing that. "But you can't keep messing with Puck. It's not fair."

"I know. I'm thinking about studying abroad. Maybe London. Or Australia."

"Yeah?"

Santana's surprised, and it's possible that she might actually miss her friend though she'll never admit it, but she knows Quinn is looking for something and she's not finding it at Yale.

Quinn looks at her and smiles. "Yeah."

-x-

Her second stop that morning goes surprisingly well.

Her grovelling apology to Mrs Pierce is accepted more graciously than she expected, (no doubt Brittany had a lot to do with that despite her absence), and Santana makes it very clear that it was an extreme one-off and it will never happen again. Mrs Pierce agrees to smooth things over with Mr Pierce and effectively forget it ever happened.

(Although Santana's doubtful that will ever really happen. She thinks she'll probably be forty-five and Mrs Pierce will bring it up out of nowhere just to embarrass the shit out of her.)

It's just Santana and Mrs Pierce having coffee - Mr Pierce had left early that morning for a business trip and Santana felt like her apology would be more effective if she didn't have Brittany by her side making eyes at her mother - but the oddly familiar scenario of her and Mrs Pierce sitting in a restaurant having an important conversation about the person that entwines their lives is not lost on Santana, and obviously not on Mrs Pierce either.

"You never told Brittany about our conversation two years ago. When I told you to break up with her."

Santana is not at all surprised by Mrs Pierce being so blunt with her. They never seem to dance around things when it's just the two of them.

"No. I didn't."

"Can I ask why?"

She opens and closes her mouth several times, trying to find the right words. It's something she'd thought about after she and Brittany had gotten back together, and the decision not to tell Brittany about their conversation felt like the right one at the time. It still does. She and Brittany are unfailingly honest with each other about how they feel, but Santana felt like that conversation was something between her and Mrs Pierce. Like they were establishing a trust or something.

"I just…even back then I understood why you had that conversation with me. And why you thought I wouldn't be able to make Brittany happy. I knew you were just concerned with Brittany's happiness. But so was I. _I am_. And after we got back together it seemed kind of irrelevant."

Mrs Pierce nods and Santana's not sure how to take that, but that's nothing really new in her relationship with the woman.

"You've always been madly in love with my daughter haven't you?"

She's not used to her being that blunt though and it blindsides her a little. But there's really only one answer to that question.

"Since the first time I saw her."

The corner of Mrs Pierce's lips curl up, a knowing look in her eyes, and Santana feels like she's passed some sort of test she didn't even know she was taking.

She sits in silence feeling oddly nervous while the older woman takes a sip of her coffee, considering her.

"Living together is a big step but if the two of you think that you're ready for it then I'm happy for you both. From what I can see you're good at taking care of each other, which is important."

Santana nods along as enthusiastically as she can without looking like a bobblehead, wanting Mrs Pierce to know that she absolutely takes living with Brittany seriously.

"When you're both ready, ideally some years from now, you should come and ask me for my mother's ring. She and Brittany were very close until she died and Brittany always loved that ring. It will mean a lot to her."

It takes a second for all the blocks to fit into place and for Santana to understand what Mrs Pierce is telling her but once she does she almost gasps, her heart beating double time. She was not expecting anything remotely like that from this meeting.

Their friends are always teasing them about being a married couple already, and sometimes Brittany calls her _wifey_ and it makes her stomach flip, and Santana's friend Casey from work refers to Brittany as her wife, but actually proposing to Brittany is something that Santana takes very seriously. It's not like she hasn't thought about marrying Brittany, or dreamed about it or thought about what her wedding vows would be while she's washing her hair in the shower, it's just that she never expected such blatant approval and encouragement from Brittany's mother.

"I'm glad you and Brittany are together. You're good for each other. I confess I'm still confused as to why Brittany doesn't want to dance anymore, but in the grand scheme of things I'm not worried about her future. You're both wonderful young women. I'm proud of you both."

Santana feels her chest swell with pride and love and validation because she never realised how much she wanted to hear Brittany's mother say that. To have her approval. It doesn't change her love for Brittany or her hopes for their future together, but it's wonderful to know that when she proposes to Brittany and when they get married and have babies Brittany's mum is going to be genuinely happy for them, without any reservations. She grew up believing that no one would ever be proud of her and to know that she now has so many people in her life that believe in her makes Santana's heart soar.

"Would you be saying that if I wasn't top of my class pre-med?" she jokes, seeking to ease the tension brought on by all this emotion that both women aren't all that accustomed to with each other.

Mrs Pierce smiles easily, and Santana feels like maybe from now on she won't be so terrified of the woman. Maybe.

-x-

She knocks on Puck's door much more hesitantly this time, waiting patiently until he calls out asking who it is.

"It's me," she calls back, holding her breath in the ensuing silence.

She doesn't really believe that Puck would leave her out there but there's that feeling in her gut reminding her that they're not the same San and Puck that they used to be.

He does leave her out there long enough to make her sweat but eventually opens the door, offering a murmured _hey_ before turning and walking back into the small studio apartment.

He takes a seat on the couch and Santana stands just inside the door awkwardly, the odd feeling of being uncomfortable and unsure in Puck's new home that she was too distracted to feel last time she was here hitting her full force. This is all so strange, this strained tension and distance between her and her best friend. When she's in New York busy with Brittany and school and work and her friends this is easier to ignore. Which is no doubt how it got to this stage in the first place.

But she's not doing any good standing here like an idiot, so she dives right in.

"You're lucky last on the Santana Lopez apology tour."

Puck doesn't give her anything but she's undeterred, taking a seat on the coffee table right in front of him so that he can't avoid her.

"Okay can we drop the silent treatment and talk about this please? I've come grovelling back and I'm not going to yell like last time. You can say whatever you want to me and I promise I won't even try to hit you."

Puck smirks, and Santana finally sees her best friend again.

"I can say _anything_ I want and you won't hit me?"

"Referencing any of Brittany's body parts is still off limits," Santana fires back quickly, recalling the promise she made Puck make years ago that he would never make any pervy comments about her girlfriend.

"Fair enough."

After that it's easier to talk about their shit. It's still not as easy as it used to be. Santana hopes that it can get back to that place one day and that the bond they used to have isn't lost forever, but for now they talk about the things they haven't been saying to each other. The things that really matter.

And it turns out that this year wasn't just about making new friends for Santana – it was just as much about staying connected to the people who are already in her life.

.

.

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><p><strong>I feel like this chapter got away from me at certain parts but what can you do. Some awesome peeps gave me some ideas of things they wanted to see happen and if I didn't get to it here I'll try and make it happen next chapter.<strong>

**If you've got anything you want to see hit me up in a review or on my tumblr (link in my profile)**

**You're all fabulous and amazing and please leave a review telling me how fabulous and amazing I am, or alternatively, how shit I am, if you've got time.**

**:)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thanks for your reviews and alerts and all that, especially to the peeps asking questions on tumblr…you **_**really**_** helped develop this chapter and gave me motivation when I'd really lost it :) I love talking to you guys about it.**

**Also, everything I know about American universities and med-school and all that is from television so…I'm just saying it's not impossible that there are wild inaccuracies in here but it is entirely possible that I don't really care :)**

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><p><strong>.<strong>

**.**

Santana Lopez feels like a New Yorker.

She heard somewhere that people say you have to live in the city for ten years before you're a _real_ New Yorker, but that's bullshit. After being here for almost three years she feels like she's always been a New Yorker at heart.

She loves that the city is full of people that have all come from somewhere else, maybe someplace they didn't fit in or their dreams were too small for, and they've left their past behind and now they're here in New York being the people they want to be. She loves that no one in New York knows about Lima or her parents or who she used to be. She knows that it's futile to ignore those things, they're a part of her and always will be, but they don't define her like they did in Lima. It's incredibly freeing. A second chance to be who she wants to be, which was something she never thought she'd get when she grew up thinking that she'd be a Lima loser forever.

(It helps that her smart-mouth no nonsense attitude isn't at all out of place in New York. She feels like this is where she belongs because she can yell at someone in the street for being rude or bumping into her no one bats an eyelid. On several occasions she's even been encouraged.)

She's found that a lot of the clichés about New York are true. She loves living in a city that is always open, always awake and always available. It's not always friendly, but neither is Santana. And after coming from a place like Lima Heights which always felt so small and limiting it's kind of humbling to see the world moving around you, to feel your own tiny place in the world, all the endless possibilities.

(Brittany loves New York just as much as Santana does, but in different ways. The blonde is much better at seeing the beauty in things than Santana is, at finding joy in the absurd or seemingly insignificant and helping Santana to feel it too. To Brittany every stranger is a friend she hasn't met yet, which scares the shit out of Santana considering they're living in New York, but she also knows that Brittany is far from stupid, especially when it comes to people. The blonde feels the creative energy in the city, the art and fashion and music and dance and literature, and loves it.)

The restaurants and the museums and the theatres and the parks and the nightlife and culture are fucking awesome, but without a doubt the best part of New York is enjoying all those things with the girl she loves.

Living in New York wouldn't be anywhere near as fun or adventurous or exciting without Brittany. Santana feels like she gets to discover the city twice, once through her own eyes and once through Brittany's, with her unique way of seeing things that Santana finds absolutely enchanting.

They spend entire afternoons at the Natural History Museum or go out to the Bronx Zoo because they're Brittany's favourite places to go no matter how many times they've been there, and the blonde can somehow tell Santana additional facts about all the animals or planets or dinosaurs.

(But sometimes she makes them up just to mess with Santana who ends up double-checking them on her phone now instead of repeating them in front of other people who look at her like she's an idiot. Not that that's ever happened to her before or anything.)

They did all the tourist things when they first got to New York of course – kissing at the top of the Empire State Building, climbing the stairs at Times Square, skating at Rockefeller Centre, picnicking in Central Park – but over the years they've been venturing out and exploring the city, finding new favourite places to eat, new stores to discover, new museums and galleries to explore and new bars to relax in.

Moving in together was a whole different adventure. With Brittany's parents and April generously contributing, they were able to find a cosy, (codeword for _small_), apartment downtown. It wasn't grand by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt like home as soon as Santana saw Brittany standing in the middle of it, rocking on the balls of her feet with a beaming smile on her face pleading for Santana to like it. Truth be told Santana would move into a shack in the middle of a desert if Brittany wanted to live there.

(But thank God she doesn't.)

People warned her that living together is an adjustment, that it might not work, that it might test their relationship, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Santana can't imagine her life any other way – even their differences make it kind of great.

Brittany is a morning person and Santana's not, but Santana doesn't mind so much when Brittany wakes her up with kisses, especially in certain places. Santana likes dark moody colours while Brittany is more about the bright and vibrant, so when it came to picking out colours for the apartment they compromised and went with charcoal and lime green, which worked surprisingly well in Santana's opinion. Neither of them could really cook all too well, but Brittany decided that since they were all shacked up now they should learn to cook, so each week they choose a recipe and buy the ingredients and then do their best. Santana can actually make a pretty great spaghetti bolognaise, while Brittany is still confused by recipes sometimes, but she's an excellent assistant. Brittany leaves _almost_ empty milk cartons in the fridge and forgets to put it on the shopping list which is endlessly infuriating but Santana has almost broken her of that habit. Santana hates doing the dishes but Brittany hates it a little bit less so she does it most of the time. Brittany wanted to get a cat but Santana had never had a pet before and thought they should start small, so they're now the proud parents of a goldfish named David Hasselhoff. Santana likes the quiet while Brittany always wants noise around her, so they compromise and sometimes Santana catches her girlfriend's cute little butt dancing around while cleaning the bathroom with her ipod in her ears and she wishes she could hear the music too.

Everything in her life is made better by having Brittany share it.

And sure, sometimes it's shit if they've had an argument or disagreement and they have to be in the same space, but those are few and far between, and after years together they've gotten good at knowing when the other needs some space.

Santana loves the simple fact of going to sleep with Brittany and waking up with her every day, and when she closes her eyes and thinks about what she wants her future to look like it looks pretty similar to this.

(With a bigger apartment obviously, no doubt the cat and dog and whatever other animal her _wife_ will want, and probably with a couple of tiny humans thrown in there too.)

Yes, Santana loves living in New York and she loves living with her girlfriend…the problem is that at the moment, actually for the last few months at least, she hasn't really been able to see all that much of said girlfriend.

_Busy_ does not do justice to the way Santana feels at the moment. Overwhelmed, inundated, overworked, exhausted – they also don't come close, but they're in the ballpark. Not only does she have an incredibly busy academic year, but she was also handpicked by one of her professors to work on an important research paper.

(An opportunity she couldn't possibly turn down – only two students were chosen and her name will be published and it will do a lot to help her get into med-school and impress the shit out of people).

The problem is that it's eating into almost all of her free time.

And with Brittany's heavier academic load this year she's in the library or with her study group a hell of a lot, so even when Santana does have time free Brittany often doesn't.

(Brittany's still taking dance classes as well, and Santana hates that she doesn't have time anymore to just watch her dance, because she's pretty sure that's how she first fell in love with her.)

Santana's barely working at the bookstore anymore, doing a couple of shifts a month just to stay on the roster and because she feels like she needs to contribute since Brittany's parents and April are being so generous. She's trying to maintain the new friendships she's made in New York while also making time to call and catch up with Anita and Puck back home, and hear all about Quinn's adventures studying abroad in Melbourne which seem to have very little to do with much actual study.

She's been so fucking busy lately, which is why she's so looking forward to the date night Brittany planned for them. It's kind of ridiculous that they have to even schedule date nights like this, especially since they used to have a lot more free time and would spontaneously decide to go out to Brooklyn for the pizza that Brittany really likes, or grab some sandwiches and sit in the sun in Battery Park watching the ferries or just cuddle on the couch watching sweet valley high DVDs, but as long as Santana gets to spend some time with her girl she doesn't care who has to plan it.

So sure, it kind of really fucking sucks that she barely has any time to spend with her girlfriend, but they have a plan, an idea of what they want their futures to look like, and Santana just has to grit her teeth and get through this crappy part.

Which is exactly how she feels about this afternoon as she's stuck in a lab with Eloise, the other lucky student assigned to the 'research paper of doom' as they have dubbed it. Although thank fuck for Eloise, because Santana doesn't think she'd be able to get through this without her.

"Ugh, I just need this afternoon to be over with," Santana whines as she drops her pencil onto her notebook and takes off her glasses to rub her eyes, her brain exhausted with looking at formulas and codes. She just wants to be looking at her amazing girlfriend while said amazing girlfriend tells her about her day and makes Santana smile and feel warm inside and it has nothing at all to do with science.

The girl beside her scoffs, feigning offense. "Glad to see you value my company so highly."

"I don't need any more of your company, Eloise. I see more of you than my girlfriend. My brilliant and sexy girlfriend who I rarely get to spend sexy time with because I'm always stuck in this hole with you."

Eloise scrunches her nose. "See that, that's an overshare, we talked about this."

"You love it."

Even though they'd shared some classes and were kind of friendly Santana didn't know Eloise all that well before they started working together. It could have been a fucking disaster because they need to spend so much time together, but Eloise is super fucking awesome and incredibly smart, so she's kind of Santana's dream study buddy. It doesn't hurt that she's sarcastic as fuck and they share a lot of the same interests and a similar background. In the last four or five months they've been practically attached at the hip working on the paper and Eloise has become one of her closest friends, making these endless hours in the lab or library bearable.

Santana feels her phone vibrate in her pocket as the opening chords of _Alone_ by Heart ring out into the room, startling both her and Eloise and a little.

Eloise gives her a look and Santana rolls her eyes.

"April assigned it to her number. It's her karaoke song. Now get back to your work and stop being so obsessed with me, you creep."

She doesn't wait for the sarcastic response she knows is coming, swiveling around in her chair and answering the call.

"Hey April."

"Santana Banana! How's my little poptart?"

"I'm good. Busy, but –"

"Now hold that thought snickerdoodle because you can tell me all about your fabulous city slicker life tonight when I take you and B-Bear out to dinner!"

"Wha –"

"I'm in New York! Surprise!"

Santana's eyebrows rise, a dozen questions all fighting their way out of her mouth. "You're in New York? When did you get here? Where –"

"Questions I'll answer tonight after I pick you and your special snowflake up for dinner. No excuses I'll see you at seven. Love you. Bye!"

Santana hears the beep of the phone call ending but doesn't move for a moment, still processing what just happened.

"Fuck."

-x-

"Hey baby, you coming home soon?"

Hearing Brittany's voice through her phone has an instantly soothing effect on Santana, even though she knows that in a few seconds her girlfriend won't be sounding so cheery.

"Hey Britt. That's actually why I'm calling –"

"San please don't tell me you have to stay late _again_."

Santana exhales, feeling a twinge of guilt in her gut. She knows that their busy schedules are taking a toll on Brittany as well. Her girlfriend was really looking forward to their date night.

"No babe, it's not that. April called and she's in town and wants to take us to dinner tonight."

"San, we have plans."

Santana hears the edge in Brittany's voice and scrunches her eyes closed tight, wishing that this didn't have to be such a big deal. But it _is_ a big deal and she knows Brittany has good reason to be annoyed. She just feels like she's stuck between a rock and a fucking boulder right now like that hiker guy, and she really doesn't want to have to cut something off.

"I'm sorry Britt, you know what she's like when she wants something. She steamrolled me."

"You _can_ say no to her. She's not going to give you back."

Santana furrows her brow. That one stings a little, especially coming from Brittany. She's not used to these little squabbles between them and feels like they throw off the natural order of her world, although they do seem to be happening more frequently.

Brittany exhales loudly and Santana knows she regrets her words.

"I'm sorry, San. That wasn't nice. I was just really looking forward to spending some time with you. _Alone_."

Santana feels guilty, even though it's not really her fault. This isn't the first time she's had to break their plans though, and most of those other times were her fault.

"I know, baby. Me too. And we will. I _promise_. You know how seriously I take my promises to you. I'd rather sleep with Hobo Freddie at our subway stop than break my promise."

They share a silent moment on the phone together and even though Santana can't see her girlfriend's face she knows that Brittany is disappointed but trying to smile and be hopeful, and it just makes the brunette love her even more.

She hears Eloise calling to her from over the other side of the room, interrupting the quiet moment.

"Was that Eloise?"

Santana looks back at her friend who seems to be furiously hitting the keyboard of her laptop and laughs. "Yeah, she can't leave me alone for one minute as usual. Lucky she's so fucking smart otherwise she'd be good for nothing."

"Right. Well, I guess I'll see you when you get home. I love you."

The words still make Santana melt, even after hearing them millions of times. "Love you too, baby."

"Love you too baby," she hears Eloise mimicking her after she's ended the call, turning to find the girl smirking.

"Hey, don't make fun of me just because you can't find a man that wants you."

"Wow, you cut me deep, San. Why are we even friends?"

"We've bonded in captivity."

"That explains it."

.

Later that night, full of food and wine and with smiles on their faces and heads a little fuzzy they fall into bed, Brittany snuggling into Santana's side as usual.

"I was going to take you out dancing," she says softly, hand slipping under Santana's top and stroking the warm skin of her stomach.

Santana hums in encouragement, running her own hand up and down Brittany's strong back.

Her girlfriend tilts her head to look up at her, kissing her softly.

"I was going to dance with you and make you crazy for me all night, and then take you back home and have my wicked way with you. It's been too long."

"Five days is certainly far too long," Santana agrees, sliding her hand down to grab at one of her girlfriend's ass cheeks, pulling her closer. "But we can still do that last part of your plan."

.

Two hours later they collapse into a panting and sweaty mess of tangled limbs. Santana knows that she's going to be exhausted tomorrow but she really couldn't care less. Not when she gets to do what they just did.

"Hey Britt?"

The other girl groans against Santana's chest in acknowledgement, still recovering. Santana gently brushes some of her blonde hair aside so she can see the dopey satisfied smile on Brittany's face.

"Watching you dance all night would have been sexy as hell, but you make me crazy _all_ the time, just by being you. When I hear your voice or see your smile or the cute frown you get when you're concentrating or even when I'm stuck in that dungeon of a lab and I just think about the way your hand feels in mine or the way you always put my cutlery and glass on the left side instead of the right because you know it's annoyed me my whole life. You make me crazy for you every second of every day. I _always_ want you. I hope you know that."

Brittany doesn't answer, at least not with words, pulling herself up to smash their lips together again while her hand makes its way down to press between Santana's legs.

Santana knows she'll be getting no sleep tonight and she's fine with that. They do have five days to catch up on after all.

-x-

The next weekend she's at a friend's apartment for a birthday party when she runs into someone she never thought she'd ever fucking see again.

Actually, it's her voice that Santana hears first. She'd know that voice anywhere.

Rachel fucking Berry.

"Santana Lopez?"

Rachel is coming towards her and Santana glances around pathetically, looking for a plant or chair or stoned person to hide behind but it's no use, Rachel has her in her sights, big fucking beaming smile on her face.

She looks almost exactly the same as Santana remembers from the last time she saw her the summer after high school. She still has the blunt bangs and the sweater set and the annoyingly smug smile that Santana hoped she'd never see again. She has no idea what Rachel did after high school and she has no idea how they've ended up at the same party in New York City.

She really wishes Brittany would come back from the bathroom already and save her. She's not _nearly_ drunk enough for this shit.

Rachel finally approaches her and Santana can't muster the grace to even smile at the other girl. Rachel is almost the personification of all the pain and trouble and bullshit she left behind in Lima, and she doesn't want to revisit any of that in this city that she's come to call home.

"Santana Lopez, what a wonderful surprise."

"Is it?"

Rachel takes her attitude in her stride, smile never wavering.

"It truly is one of the things I love most about New York, always running into people you know."

"We don't _know_ each other Berry."

Santana crosses her arms over her chest not willing to give an inch and watches as Rachel takes a deep breath, looking determined.

"Actually Santana I'm glad I–"

"Hey babe."

The words don't match the voice that Santana has come to know so well and before she knows it there is a possessive arm around her shoulders and another hand on her stomach, followed by a kiss on her cheek that manages to catch the corner of her mouth.

What the fuck.

She turns her head ready to ask Eloise exactly what the fuck she's doing but her friend just winks at her and gestures with her head slightly in Rachel's direction.

Eloise obviously thinks she's saving Santana from getting hit on by Rachel, which…disgusting. The mere thought of it makes Santana want to gag. She looks up to find the brunette looking a little shocked before plastering on a smile again, and she's about to explain the situation but Rachel cuts her off.

"This must be your girlfriend," she questions enthusiastically, and Santana can just feel that Berry is overcompensating with cheeriness.

"Actually _no_."

All three heads turn to the source of the voice to the side and find Brittany standing there taking in the scene before her. She looks pretty fucking annoyed, blue eyes flicking from Rachel across to Eloise with her arms still around Santana.

"Brittany! It's good to see you," Rachel says turning to the blonde to greet her.

Brittany still isn't looking too pleased and she greets Rachel frostily, eyes darting back to Santana.

Santana is still standing stiffly with Eloise's arms around her but her friend quickly drops them, stepping to the side when Brittany takes her place next to Santana and rests a hand on her lower back.

"Sorry, I thought you were hitting on San and I was doing her a solid. My bad."

Santana has to shake her head and smile because Eloise is an idiot who should know that she knows how to handle herself. Although that still leaves them in a pretty awkward situation thanks to Berry standing there pretending they're old friends. Santana's not going to let that shit fly.

"Eloise this is Rachel Berry, one of the people determined to make my life a living hell growing up in Lima. She even tried to tell Brittany not to date me because I'm trash."

Eloise is visibly shocked by the blunt introduction even though she's heard about the girl, while Rachel looks suitably embarrassed, mouth sputtering open in shock. Santana's a little surprised by the reaction. She remembers Berry being rather proud of her efforts when they were younger. Maybe it's because she doesn't have Lurch and Trouty here to back her up.

She is still as annoyingly persistent as Santana remembers though, and she watches the other girl compose herself and put her game face on again.

"Actually Santana I'm glad I ran into you after all these years. I was hoping for–"

"I don't give a fuck what you were hoping for Berry because whatever the fuck it was you're not going to get it." Santana doesn't give the girl any chance to reply this time, grabbing Brittany's hand and leading them out of that room and then out of the apartment altogether.

She needs some air. She feels bad for leaving her friend with the troll but Eloise grew up in the Bronx and knows how to slap a bitch.

She's fucking fuming, seeing that little hobbit is bringing up feelings that she hasn't felt in years, and she walks quickly down the sidewalk until Brittany stops and pulls her back by their joined hands.

"Do you want to talk about what just happened?"

"Does it look like I wanna fucking talk about it?" Santana snaps.

She watches as Brittany's face falls and she instantly feels like shit for yelling at her. It's not fair to take her anger out on Brittany just because she's the one there.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, baby."

She steps right up close to her girlfriend so that they're pressing against each other, cupping Brittany's cheek with her free hand and brushing their noses together.

Brittany nods and just has this understanding look on her face that makes Santana want to punch herself in the face. It's times like these that she firmly believes that Brittany is still way too good for her. She's nowhere near as angry as she used to be but sometimes it still flares up, sometimes she still loses her mind and says stupid things she doesn't mean, she just wishes it didn't happen around Brittany.

She leans forward to close the small gap between them and presses a lingering kiss to Brittany's lips.

"I don't want to talk about the hobbit or even acknowledge her existence. Can we please just go home so I can keep apologising with massages and foot rubs and kisses and orgasms?"

Brittany searches her eyes for a second before she smiles and Santana knows that smile, it's the, _it's okay for now but we'll talk about this later_ smile, and honestly she's okay with that as long as Brittany's smiling.

-x-

"You should just fucking talk to her and see what she wants to say to you," Eloise mumbles around the pencil in her mouth, eyes glued to her laptop screen.

Santana rolls her eyes and presses the ignore button on her phone again. "You sound like Brittany. She's been saying the same thing all week."

"Well then your girlfriend is as brilliant as me."

Santana barks out a fake laugh. "You wish. She's much smarter than you."

Eloise smirks and watches as Santana's phone beeps with another voicemail from one Rachel Berry.

"God, that girl is persistent. How did she even get your number?"

"Apparently we have a mutual friend. A mutual friend I'm going to punch in the face when I find out who it was." Santana raises an eyebrow at the other girl. "It wasn't _you_ was it?"

"Negative. I only give out your number when creepy guys hit on me. Or when I'm defacing bathroom stalls."

"Fuck you."

"Only in your dreams, Lopez."

Santana shakes her head, takes off her glasses and leans back in her chair. Thank fuck for Eloise being able to make her laugh. They've been studying all afternoon and she's been ignoring Rachel's calls and all she wants to do is blow off some steam and have some fun, preferably with Brittany but she has a dance class tonight. She could take the train uptown to watch Britt's class like she used to but honestly she's not in the mood to sit there silently for a couple of hours. She wants loud and busy.

So she turns to the next best thing.

"You wanna go get drunk or something? I've been using my brain way too much today and I need to go do something stupid."

Eloise just grins.

-x-

Santana feels a nudge to her shoulder and rolls over, knowing that sometimes she's all over Brittany when she sleeps and her girlfriend occasionally pushes her off her. She snuggles into her pillow, willing herself to fall back asleep instead of waking up like her body seems to want to do.

Not that she actually has any choice in the matter when she hears her name being called…and not by her girlfriend. That realisation wakes her up a hell of a lot faster, opening her eyes and blinking furiously as they adjust to the light and stop stinging.

The first thing she sees is Eloise standing above her in an undershirt and underwear and it makes her even more confused about where the fuck she is. She doesn't really have time to ponder if though, Eloise shoving her phone in her face and telling her that it's Brittany.

Santana grabs the phone with one hand while she rubs her face with the other, eyes following Eloise out of the room and then sweeping across it, realising that she's in her friend's bed. It's a little weird considering rarely been in this room before, but it's no biggie.

She coughs to clear her throat before bringing the phone to her ear.

"Britt?"

"Hey San, I hadn't heard from you since your text last night so I just wanted to make sure you're alright."

Her voice is light but Santana knows her girlfriend well enough to detect the worry.

"I'm fine, baby. Just a little hungover." She scrunches her eyes shut as a stabbing pain makes itself felt behind her eyes. "Or _a lot_ hungover."

The events of the previous night come back to her quickly then; the drinks at their local bar, even more drinks at the karaoke bar they went to because the local was pretty dead, playing wingman for Eloise even though the idiot didn't show any interest in any of the (relatively) fine men Santana found for her, dancing to cheesy 80s pop songs and belting out Whitney Houston. She's not exactly sure how they got to Eloise's place but she remembers texting Brittany about staying there and that's about it.

"What time is it anyway?" she asks, looking around the room for a clock but coming up empty.

"It's midday, San."

"Shit. I literally just woke up."

"Eloise told me you were still asleep in her room. Is that why she answered your phone?"

Santana runs a hand through her hair and then adjusts her singlet top so that it's not pulled quite so low across her boobs. "I have no idea. She probably saw that it was you and answered it because she's a genius and knows I _always_ want to talk to you, even when I'm asleep."

Brittany clicks her tongue and Santana can tell she's amused. "Charmer. You guys have fun last night?"

"Yeah," Santana replies as she stands from the bed and stretches out her free arm and her legs, the bunched up leg of pyjama pants that aren't hers rolling down. "We drank far too much and danced. I karaoked the shit out of Whitney and Eloise totally struck out as usual despite my best wingman efforts. I missed you though."

"You guys went dancing?"

Despite her tone still being light the humour is gone from Brittany's voice and Santana's not sure why.

"Well it wasn't _dancing_ dancing," she tries to clarify. "We were at that karaoke bar we went to for Christian's birthday a few months ago, but there was some booty shaking involved."

Santana hears footsteps approaching and turns to see Eloise walking towards her with a steaming cup of coffee in her hand.

"Oh my god I love you," she mutters out, taking the offered mug and sipping it not at all quietly.

"San?" Brittany brings her back to the conversation.

"Sorry Britt. Eloise just brought me coffee. You know what I'm like in the morning with my coffee."

"Right."

Santana can feel the tension even through the phone and they share an unusually awkward silence, before Brittany finally speaks.

"So I guess I'll see you when you get home?

Santana's fuzzy brain is no match for figuring out what's going on, so she just nods. "Yeah. I'm just going to finish this coffee, find my clothes and come straight home. I love you and I'll see you soon."

.

Whatever had Brittany in an odd mood on the phone seems to have passed by the time Santana finally schleps back into their apartment half an hour later. Even though she briefly saw her yesterday morning she feels like she hasn't seen her girlfriend in days and there's a dull ache in her chest that only eases once her arms are around Brittany.

But the euphoria only lasts until Brittany smacks her ass and tells her that she stinks of booze and needs to take a shower. Santana lifts an eyebrow and invites Brittany to join her but she's already had her shower and wants to finish cleaning the kitchen, so Santana has to settle for grumbling about no sexy-shower time.

They settle for cuddling on the couch with a movie that is mostly ignored while they catch up on their days yesterday.

"So I think I'm going to talk to Rachel and see what she wants," Santana admits softly, trailing her hand gently through soft blonde hair and recalling what she can of the conversation about Rachel that she and Eloise had continued at the bar.

"You changed your mind?" Brittany mumbles, clearly on the verge of falling asleep with her head in the brunette's lap.

"Yeah," Santana shrugs. "Eloise and I were talking about it last night and I agreed that it would be easier to get it over and done with to stop her stalking me. I really don't want to change my phone number and I think she knows where we live anyway. She's gone all single white female and I don't want her breaking in here and hiding in our closet or something."

Santana winces at the thought that is becoming a real fear with every voicemail from the persistent hobbit. She may not have seen Rachel in a few years but it seems she's still the determined little upstart she's always been.

Brittany sits up, a frown on her face. "So you listen when Eloise says it but not when I do?"

Santana does a double take at the edge in Brittany's tone, the same one from when they were on the phone earlier.

"Huh?"

Brittany sits up fully now and Santana doesn't like the space between them, their bodies no longer touching at all. It feels a lot more symbolic than she wants it to.

"This whole time I've been suggesting you meet with Rachel and you didn't want to but then you talk to Eloise about it and suddenly you want to?"

"No Britt, that's not what I meant." Santana reaches her hand out to her girlfriend's thigh, just as much to comfort herself as Brittany, shaking her head. "I told Eloise what you'd said and she agreed and then I agreed. That's all. Of course I listen to you. You're the most important person in my life."

She squeezes her girlfriend's thigh and smiles, needing Brittany to believe that her words are sincere.

Okay so _maybe_ she kind of did give the idea more credence when Eloise expressed a similar opinion, but that doesn't mean she doesn't value Brittany's advice. It's just that Brittany is a little too optimistic and hopeful sometimes. Occasionally Santana needs someone to balance that out. She used to have Quinn for that but now that that idiot is touring her vagina around half of Australia she's had to make do with Eloise.

Her words seem to soothe Brittany and the brunette watches as her girlfriend's shoulders relax, her features softening and an almost smile on her face. That's all the invitation Santana needs and she leans forward to steal a cheeky kiss, the tension leaving her own body as well. She feels like things between her and Brittany have been a little off, no doubt thanks to the lack of time they have together lately, and she doesn't want silly misunderstandings coming between them.

Brittany threading a hand through her still-damp hair and pulling Santana closer for more not-so-chaste kisses reassures her completely.

-x-

Of course Berry chooses the most obnoxiously _New York_ coffee shop in the city to meet at, almost smack bang in the middle of Times Square. Like a seasoned New Yorker Santana actively avoids the tourist area as a general rule, but she doesn't want to let Berry in on any of her favourite spots just in case the hobbit starts showing up there randomly, so she agrees to head up to midtown.

She takes off her scarf and coat once she enters, eyes sweeping the place until they land on the short girl waving frantically at her. Santana has a flashback to all those afternoons and evenings at the restaurant that she had to wait on Berry, and that old feeling of being a Lima Loser comes back again. That tightening in her stomach when she thinks about what her life was. But that feeling is swept away just as quickly when she thinks about where she is right now, living her dream in the city of her dreams and she thinks about what she has with Brittany, the most perfect girl in the world, and holds her head high once again.

She makes her way over to the table and takes a seat, no sign of a smile on her face even though Rachel is beaming at her like Santana's her Hanukkah present or something.

"Okay Berry, you've got five minutes. Go."

Once again Rachel is undeterred by Santana's abrasiveness. It's kind of annoying.

"Well it's nice to see you Santana, thank you for meeting with me. I was here a bit early so I ordered a coffee but do you want to order something?"

Santana can't stop herself from rolling her eyes and thankfully Rachel finally gets the hint that the sugar sweet act isn't going to work.

"So I'll get right to it then," she says before taking a deep breath, suddenly looking a lot more apprehensive.

"That would be preferable."

The other girl gives a nervous smile and Santana feels an anxious flutter in her stomach, seriously considering for the first time that what Rachel wants to tell her might be bad. Possibilities race through her mind one after another, horrible thoughts about Rachel being related to her or something about Anita or maybe they finally got wise to all the food and alcohol that Santana was stealing when she worked at the restaurant or worst of all maybe Berry has been in love with her all these years or something. That last thought leaves Santana struggling not to scrunch her face up in disgust.

Her anxiety isn't helped by Rachel still sitting silently, hands fidgeting with each other on the table in front of her.

"Spit it out, Berry."

The other girl's head bobs up and she opens and closes her big mouth a few times before finally speaking.

"I wanted to apologise to you."

Well shit. Santana's eyebrows raise. That was certainly not what she was expecting.

"Huh?"

Just as Rachel is about to answer she's interrupted by a waiter with her coffee, the guy asking Santana if she wants to order something before she shoos him away impolitely so that he leaves them alone again.

"I'm sorry about the way I treated you," Rachel finally continues after another steadying breath, barely managing to hold eye contact with her. "This city has opened my eyes to a lot of things and I've been doing a lot of thinking since leaving Lima. About what happened to our friendship when we were kids and then the way we treated each other when we were teenagers. How I behaved towards you. I want to apologise and I sincerely hope you accept it."

Her voice is a little shaky like she's trying to hold back tears and Santana can't keep the shock off her face.

Of course once the shock subsides, her natural defences of scepticism and snark set in.

"Did you join a twelve step program or something, Berry?"

Rachel looks horrified.

"Of course not. I just…"

She trails off and for the first time Santana sees the genuine remorse on the other girls face and it twists something in her gut, forcing her to look away from imploring eyes. It stirs memories she'd wanted to forget. That she thought she'd buried. She sees her best friend from all those years ago, the girl she shared her nutella sandwiches with and who always let her play with the real barbie not the other barbie knock-offs she had. The girl who cried more than Santana did when Santana's dad got sick and who held her hand at his funeral. But she also sees the girl who made her feel worthless and tormented her for years.

(She also tormented Berry but that was purely reactionary. Mostly.)

It's unwanted, the rush of emotion making her legs twitch with the impulse to run. She doesn't want to deal with this. She doesn't need this.

"You know what," she waves her hand dismissively while trying to keep any emotion other than annoyance out of her voice, "whatever Berry. It's in the past and we don't need to drag this shit up."

Rachel looks deflated, rejected even, and for god knows what reason Santana feels a little guilty brushing her off like that. She can see big brown eyes glistening with tears and the last thing she wants is to sit here comforting the girl while she cries.

"Look Berry, it's fine, okay? We were both stupid kids who did and said shitty things to each other. Mostly you but sometimes me. We don't need to rehash everything with tears and hugs like some kind of afterschool special. It's in the past. We're cool."

As Santana says the words she feels the truth of them. It's in the past. A part of who she is but not all she is. And she realises with a sharp intake of breath that it's not all of who Rachel is either. The girl might still be annoying and overbearing but the Rachel she knew would never apologise like she just did. Santana considers the fact that maybe she's not the only one that's grown up. That maybe Rachel deserves to be forgiven for things just like Santana has been.

The other girl smiles hopefully and Santana once again fights the urge to roll her eyes. She's pretty sure that will never change.

"So, we can be friends?"

"You wanna be _friends_?"

"I think that would be wonderful."

Rachel's answer is just so painfully earnest that Santana can't bring herself to be rude and flat out reject the notion. Still, the idea that she and Rachel could embark on a friendship is a little overwhelming and pretty fucking weird.

"Why don't we just play it by ear?" she offers as diplomatically as possible, relieved when Rachel agrees and seems encouraged by the idea.

So Santana ends up ordering a coffee and Rachel another, their stilted conversation easing into something a little less awkward. Rachel explains how she's ended up in New York, (Santana is honestly shocked to find out that Rachel had dropped out of university last year to pursue a singing career – she knows the girl can sing but didn't realise it was a career ambition), recounts her dramatic though satisfying dumping of Finn Hudson, (Santana does enjoy hearing that Lurch didn't get into any colleges and was fired from his own dad's car dealership), and brings her pretty much up to speed with how they ended up bumping into each other at the party and the awkward encounter with Eloise.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Eloise had had a few drinks by then," Santana says by way of explanation for her friend's behaviour.

Rachel smiles it off. "Well I wouldn't have been surprised if Eloise was your girlfriend. I mean you certainly have a type. I'm very glad you and Brittany are still together though."

Santana nods along, thinking about how back in the day Rachel was encouraging Brittany not to date her at all and now she's genuinely happy they're still together, but a few words catch her ear and she does a double take.

"Wait, what?"

"I said I truly am happy that you and Brittany are still together," Rachel answers, mistaking what Santana was questioning. "I know I wasn't exactly…_encouraging_ of your relationship before but I've changed. I have _two_ gay friends now. Well four including you and Brittany. Hopefully. I'm trying not to be presumptuous."

"No, the other thing," Santana explains somewhat impatiently. "About me having a type."

Rachel looks just as confused now. "Well I just meant that Brittany and Eloise…"

"What about them?"

"Well surely you can see the similarities?"

Santana's brow furrows. She has no idea what Rachel is talking about.

"Oh come on. Don't tell me you haven't noticed that they are both stunning, tall blondes with blue eyes?"

Santana stares at Rachel like she's talking a foreign language while the other girl sits with an amused smile on her face.

She thinks about what her friend looks like and the basics are true. Eloise has naturally blonde hair and fair skin like Brittany. She's tall too, but so are lots of people to Santana. And yeah, when Santana thinks about it she's pretty sure that her friend does have blue eyes. But she never does think about the way Eloise looks. She looks nothing like Brittany, Brittany whose hair glows and smells like summer even in the dead of winter and is soft like silk. Santana loves running her hands through it. Brittany's skin is pale but always so warm and Santana knows every inch of it, every glorious freckle. Brittany is tall, just tall enough for them to fit perfectly together when they sleep, her body a beautiful and perfect tapestry of strong muscles. And her eyes are slate blue but they change with the light or Brittany's moods, and Santana's favourite blue is the light that's reflected in them when they wake up on lazy Sunday mornings in summer, the sun beaming down from the window onto their bed.

Santana shakes her head, the idea that Eloise looks anything like Brittany is crazy to her.

"And don't forget Quinn Fabray," Rachel adds seriously, making Santana's gaze snap up to her. "I guess I just figured you have a thing for blondes."

Santana's eyes widen at that particular insinuation.

"Oh I know you're not trying to say that I hooked up with Fabray back in the day."

"Well there were certainly enough rumours about the two of you that no one was really sure," Rachel explains, not at all fazed by the edge in Santana's tone.

"Oh fucking hell," Santana says before pretending to gag. "I can't believe people thought I was into Fabray. I feel so fucking gross just talking about it."

Rachel just continues to laugh at her and it's a little annoying.

"And like Fabray would even have a chance with me anyway. Besides, I don't have a _thing_ for blondes," Santana adds defensively, "I have a thing for Brittany."

Rachel smiles genuinely at that. "Well it sounds like you're blinded by love then."

Santana deflates a little and more or less agrees. It's not like she doesn't look at other girls. She notices them. There are a lot of beautiful girls in New York. A lot. Sometimes they even hit on her. (Brittany isn't really a jealous person but every so often she gets annoyed at girls or guys trying to chat up her girlfriend and Santana kinda enjoys it. Possessive Brittany is hot, especially when she throws her arm around Santana's waist or holds her hand to let people know Santana is taken.) But what she has with Brittany is so far beyond looks that no other girl could even compare.

Santana makes the mistake of telling Rachel that and spends the last twenty minutes before she has to go listening to Rachel swoon over their relationship and badger her with questions she dodges about marriage and babies. It's not that she doesn't want to talk about those things. She just doesn't want to talk about them with Berry.

When she gets home later that night after her shift at work she beats Brittany by a couple of minutes as she's returning from her study group. Santana makes them tea and they unwind on the couch, Brittany curling into her side. Santana tells her about her coffee date with Rachel and its surprising results, the blonde not even pretending to hide her smug smile. Santana prefers to wipe it off with some kisses. Kisses which she hopes will lead to more. Kisses which are frustratingly interrupted by Santana's ringtone and the vibrating in her pocket. Brittany giggles and reaches between them for the phone, answering it without even checking who it is.

"Miss Lopez's phone," she says most professionally, eyes locked with Santana. "I'm afraid she's busy but you can leave a message if you'd like."

Santana smiles at her goofy girlfriend, not at all fazed by Brittany answering her phone as she does sometimes, but watches Brittany's smile fall slightly when she listens to the caller.

"That was Eloise," Brittany tells her once she's ended the call, the mirth gone from her voice. "She didn't say why she called just that she'll talk to you tomorrow. I guess she wasn't expecting me to answer."

Santana nods, taking in Brittany's almost disinterested tone. She knows that her girlfriend and her new best friend aren't exactly chummy, she doesn't know why exactly but it hasn't been a big deal so far. The three of them are usually so busy that it's not like Brittany and Eloise have had a lot of time to hang out and get to know each other. Santana is sure that they would become friends if they did.

"She probably just forgot something for tomorrow," Santana says, attempting to make light of it all. "I've never met someone so smart who is so forgetful."

She doesn't want to think about Eloise right now though, not when she could be doing something much more fun with her girlfriend.

"Now where were we?" she asks suggestively, sidling back up to Brittany and closing the space between them.

All she gets is a chaste kiss pressed to her lips though, Brittany explaining that she's exhausted and ready for bed. Santana really wants to get her lady kisses on and she's a little taken aback by her girlfriend's sudden mood shift, but she also knows how tired Brittany is and doesn't want to deprive her of a good night's sleep. Sweet lady kisses can wait.

-x-

Four days later Santana is still waiting on those sweet lady kisses, something she's complaining to Puck about over Skype.

"Maybe you're no longer satisfying her needs," Puck jokes and Santana instantly regrets saying anything about it. She should know better.

"Shut your mouth. You know the rules."

She watches her friend lift his hands defensively but he's still got that infuriatingly smug smile on his face. "Hey, you brought it up."

Santana rolls her eyes. She's glad that things with Puck are getting back to normal. Or finding a new normal at least. It took a while but they're getting back the rhythm of their friendship, and most importantly the trust. It's been hard sometimes, making time to be a good friend, but she's managing.

"I'm serious though, Lopez. I don't just mean taking your girl to pound town and giving her the big O."

"I'm hanging up."

"You keep complaining that you aint never got no time with Brittany and that's how this shit starts. Some other girl comes creeping in making her feel all special and shit, pretending to be her _friend_," he holds up his hands for air quotes, "and then one day Brittany's upset and you're not there and in sweeps that hot girl with her shoulder to cry on telling Brittany she deserves better and suddenly vaginas are touching."

"Oh my god," Santana scrunches her face and swats at her laptop screen. "Where do you even get this shit from?"

Puck shrugs. "Hey, I'm just giving it to you straight. But not _straight_ because you're a lesbo and all. But it happens, bro. It's in like every movie and TV show."

"We're not in a TV show!" Santana whisper-yells at her laptop screen, her frustration evident. "Our relationship isn't going to fall apart just because a random girl smiles at one of us. Our relationship isn't falling apart at all!" She takes a breath and then pulls her shoulders back proudly. "And anyway, I make Brittany feel all special and shit."

"Well obviously you don't because you aint getting the V," Puck counters.

"I will hang up on you."

"Alright alright," her friend chuckles. "All I'm saying is that I watched a lot of Oprah reruns last year when I was working the night shift. A lot. And I learned me some things…"

Santana throws her arms in the air in frustration. "You are not talking about Oprah."

"Fine. Can I tell you about this artsy lesbian porno that I watched?"

Santana catches a brief glimpse of her best friend's smirk before she hangs up on him.

-x-

Her best friend might be an idiot, but Puck's words are still circling around Santana's brain a week later when she's out with Brittany and a few of her friends from Juilliard. The brunette knows them all well enough from over the years but there's a new face among them tonight, Amy, a girl from Brittany's dance class. She seems to be a big hit with everyone. She also seems to be really fucking good friends with Brittany which is a bit surprising because until tonight Santana had barely heard of this Amy girl. But now here she is in front of her, leaning into her girlfriend to say something that's obviously hilarious if the way Brittany throws her head back with laughter is any indication.

Santana isn't fucking laughing as she watches Amy openly flirting with her girlfriend and keeps an eye on the girl's hand on Brittany's forearm and all she can think about is what Puck said about someone else making Brittany feel special.

All week she's been asking herself if she actually _does_ make Brittany feel special anymore. They've both just been so busy, and they both try to make the time they do have together count, but sometimes it just feels like they never have any time together. Sometimes she feels like her and Brittany are out of sync, or that the blonde is pulling away from her, but other times they fit together like they were always made to be.

Or maybe it's just all in her head. She knows Brittany gets frustrated that they can't spend time together like they used to but she hasn't said anything about it affecting their relationship. And it's not like Santana never does anything to make Brittany happy. Just last week she was uptown and bought Brittany a cupcake from her favourite bakery and the other week she cleaned their entire apartment because she knew it was stressing Brittany out. Maybe her talk with her idiot best friend has just made Santana paranoid.

(Of course another week of barely spending any time with her girlfriend isn't helping matters.)

Amy flirting with Brittany isn't the problem though. Santana knows that her girlfriend is a desirable woman. She's used to seeing people flirt with her. What she's not used to is Brittany flirting back. It's subtle, someone else might not even notice it, but Santana does.

She doesn't really understand what's going on, but for the first time in a long time she feels like she doesn't belong somewhere Brittany is. The blonde has barely spoken to her all night and she has no fucking idea why, Brittany's friend's picking up some of the slack but mostly leaving Santana to entertain herself texting back and forth with Eloise. At least someone wants to talk to her.

It carries on for a couple of hours until Santana hits breaking point. She doesn't even bother with pleasantries, just grabs Brittany by the wrist.

"Can I talk to you outside?"

She asks but it isn't really a question, her girlfriend surprisingly cooperative as Santana pulls them through the bar until they're outside in the cool spring night. She turns to face Brittany and out of the dim lighting of the bar she can see how drunk her girlfriend actually looks.

"What the fuck is going on?" she asks trying to keep as much accusation out of her voice as possible. She sounds more bewildered than anything.

"You tell me, San. You're the one who dragged me out here."

Santana narrows her eyes. She's not used to this Brittany. Guarded and distant. She knows she's not imagining things now.

"Well do you want to tell me why you've been ignoring me all night? Or why you've been flirting with Amy right in front of my face?"

Brittany scoffs but Santana can tell that she's not at all surprised by the accusations. It seems more like exactly what she was expecting actually and it makes the brunette even angrier, though she's trying really fucking hard to contain those emotions. She has no idea why Brittany is playing this game but she doesn't want this to turn into a fight and she especially doesn't want it to be a fight out on the sidewalk.

"How would you even know?" Brittany counters, her speech a little slurred. "You've spent the whole night texting _Eloise_."

"Yeah, because _you've_ been ignoring _me_ the whole night."

Brittany actually laughs at that and it makes Santana crazy. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on but she knows that she's not going to stand here on the fucking sidewalk arguing with her drunk girlfriend about it. Her drunk girlfriend who is obviously more interested in playing games right now than having a conversation.

"You know what Britt; I'm going home. You stay and have fun with your friends. I'll see you later."

She doesn't even wait to see Brittany's reaction before turning and walking away, and a part of her is actually relieved when the other girl doesn't come after her.

.

Santana is sleeping on the couch when she's woken by the sound of the front door being unlocked.

She'd tried not to fall asleep waiting for Brittany to come home, concerned about her welfare or just wondering if she even would come home, but she must have dozed off sometime around 2am. She glances at the clock on the wall and realises she was only asleep for half an hour.

Laying there with her eyes closed Santana listens as Brittany enters their apartment, kicks off her shoes and then walks through the entryway into the lounge. She's not sure what to do. She doesn't know if she should say something or not, and she's not sure if she even wants to speak to Brittany at all right now. She's still pissed as hell at her girlfriend. But she's also relieved that she's home, feeling that pull in her stomach that makes her always want Brittany no matter what. She's got a million questions running through her mind, the foremost of which being how Brittany got home and whether Amy was involved in getting her there.

Santana absolutely trusts Brittany, she knows she would never cheat on her, but that doesn't mean that she likes the idea of her girlfriend being out drinking with a girl who is obviously interested in her. And that doesn't mean she's still not pissed off that Brittany was flirting back, however subtle it might have been.

Keeping her eyes closed she pretends to be asleep, wanting Brittany to make the first move.

She doesn't have to wait long though, the blonde mumbling her name and shuffling towards the couch where she's obviously spotted Santana in the dim light. Brittany's voice sounds strained like it does when she's upset and tired and Santana has to fight her instinctive desire to comfort her, instead keeping her eyes closed, unwilling to give in.

Brittany pulls back the blanket covering her and gently guides her body down to rest on top of Santana's, burrowing in against her chest while she slides her arms under her to hold her close.

Santana's still unsure about what's happening but she's given up pretending she's asleep and moves her own arms to wrap around her girlfriend. She's still pissed off. She still wants an explanation. It's just that when Brittany is touching her, Santana's body has a mind of its own.

It's then that she feels Brittany's chest heave and a whimper escape, the blonde obviously trying not to cry. Santana tightens her hold but still doesn't say anything. She's desperate to ask what's wrong, what has her girlfriend acting this way but she needs to hear from Brittany first.

They hold each other for a few minutes and Santana can feel the dampness of Brittany's tears soaking into her shirt.

"I'm sorry," Brittany finally whispers, her voice shaky. It's obvious she's not entirely sober but nowhere near as drunk as she was when they fought earlier which Santana is relieved by. "I was acting like a brat. I'm so sorry baby. I love you so much."

She sniffles and Santana brings one of her hands up to stroke Brittany's hair comfortingly, her anger deflating and settling into a weight in her stomach. Brittany sounds so desperate, so unsure, and it hits Santana like a ton of bricks that something is wrong. Something bigger than a passing annoyance. She doesn't understand why Brittany sounds so lost but it scares the shit out of her.

"Britt, what's–"

Her question is cut off by Brittany lifting her head and pushing forward, pressing their lips together for a kiss that is anything but chaste. Brittany's tongue pushes into her mouth and Santana responds by instinct, still a little caught off guard, even more so when hips grind down into her own. She groans involuntarily and takes a second to catch her breath as Brittany trails kisses across her jaw and down her neck, scraping her teeth against her collarbone.

"Britt," she protests weakly, a tiny part of her still resisting because she knows they need to talk about what happened tonight.

"San," Brittany whispers desperately, one of her hands slipping under Santana's shirt and palming her breast. "I just need to feel you. I need to love you."

Brittany glances up and Santana's breath is ripped from her again when she sees the desire and love and passion clouding blue eyes. It's something she could never deny, pushing aside all other thoughts or worries as she cups Brittany cheeks to pull her into another hungry kiss.

-x-

"Just give me a second to find the book," Santana says over her shoulder as she unlocks her apartment door. "Then we'll grab some lunch on the way back."

"Sounds good," Eloise agrees following in after her.

Santana drops her bag on the kitchen bench and quickly flicks through the mail she picked up on her way up to the apartment.

"I'm so fucking jealous of this place," her friend says as she takes a seat on one of the stools at the bench. "I would love to not have three roommates…or my shitty neighbour playing his bullshit music at all hours. Also, I'm pretty sure this sketchy dude on the second floor is making meth in there. He's gonna blow up the whole building."

"Uh huh," Santana mumbles distractedly as she stares at one of the envelopes in her hand. It's addressed to her and she recognises the writing but can't recall from where. She flips it over to find a return address and her heart almost stops as she reads it.

Her mum. Her mum's name is on the back on the fucking envelope in her hand. The mother that she hasn't seen or heard from in almost ten years. The mother who abandoned her.

She stands there with the envelope in her now shaking hands, her eyes blinking down at it like she can't quite believe it, her mind completely blanking out.

Eloise must notice the change in her demeanour because she's calling her name and when Santana doesn't respond she resorts to placing her hand on Santana's forearm.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Santana feels her heart start to thump quickly now and the adrenaline running through her body, her mind working at double time.

"My mum," she chokes out, needing to clear her throat. "It's from my mum."

She doesn't look up at her friend but she can feel the shift in tension, Eloise informed enough about the situation to understand the gravity of it.

Santana feels paralysed, questions and memories and pain and hope and years of anger weighing her down. She thought that her mother was out of her life. She thought that she'd dealt with the pain and the resentment of being abandoned. Of being ignored and neglected. She thought that she'd never have to face it all again and yet here it is being unleashed by the white envelope in her hands.

But it doesn't have to be. Not now at least. Or maybe not ever.

She takes a deep breath and shoves the envelope into her bag, turning to Eloise who is staring at her warily like she's waiting for her to erupt in tears or something.

"I'll get the book and then we'll get going," Santana says firmly, leaving no room for doubt that she doesn't want to talk about what just happened.

Her friend nods hesitantly and Santana marches off into her bedroom, shaking out her hands and taking deep breaths.

She doesn't want to deal with this now. Or maybe ever. She owes her mother nothing, and the potential damage of opening that envelope might not be worth her curiosity.

-x-

Two days later Santana is sitting on her couch staring at the white envelope. She's been staring at it for at least half an hour now. And an hour yesterday. And two hours the night before that. She's still not sure what to do or how she feels. She thought she could bury everything about it and forget that she ever saw it but she hasn't been able to. That envelope could contain all the answers to all the questions she's had her whole life. It could be an apology. An explanation. Or it could just bring more pain.

Actually, either way Santana's sure it will bring more pain.

Her eyes snap up when she hears the door being unlocked and she grabs for the envelope and shoves it in her pocket.

Telling Brittany about the letter is not something she's done yet and she's not even sure why. Part of her isn't sure yet if she wants to just pretend nothing happened and throw the letter away and she knows that telling her girlfriend about it would make it real. Something much harder to ignore. It doesn't help that things with Brittany have been off since their non-conversation last week. Santana told herself that she would talk to Brittany about what was going on, to continue whatever they were on the edge of that night, but she always seems to chicken out or tell herself that it's not the right time. It's just that there was something about the way Brittany looked that night, something about the way Santana's only just noticed she's looked for a while, that scares her. She just wants Brittany to be happy and the last thing Santana wants to discover is that Brittany's not happy because of her. That would kill her.

She smiles and greets her girlfriend as she enters the apartment and watches her movement into the kitchen, the blonde dumping her dancing bag on one of the stools. Santana can tell something is wrong. Brittany has barely looked at her and her body looks wound tight, mouth set in a line.

"Baby, you okay?"

She stands and walks across to the kitchen, leaning against the bench as Brittany gets herself a bottle of water from the fridge. The two of them stand at opposite ends of the small kitchen and Santana can feel that Brittany wants that distance.

"Had an interesting conversation today," Brittany finally answers, still avoiding eye contact.

Santana hears the anger loaded in Brittany's voice and knows it's aimed at her though she has no idea why. Then her thoughts drift to the envelope in her pocket and she feels her stomach knot.

"I bumped into Eloise today when I was having lunch with Kristin in Washington Square."

Santana closes her eyes because she can guess exactly what's coming next. Her friend had been bugging her with text messages asking if she's okay that she'd more or less been ignoring.

"She wanted to ask me if you'd been okay since getting that letter from your mother on Tuesday."

Fuck. She could fucking kill Eloise.

She opens her eyes and Brittany is glaring at her, looking like a time bomb ready to go off. Santana isn't sure she's seen her this angry.

"So of course I pretended like I knew what the hell she was talking about. Because _of course_ that's something most people would tell their goddamn girlfriend."

Brittany punctuates her sentence by slamming her water bottle on the bench making Santana flinch and there's certainly no doubt that the blonde is furious.

"Britt-"

"Do you have any idea what that felt like, Santana? To know that you kept something like that from me but told someone else. And _Eloise_ of all people!"

"It's not like that," Santana explains, trying to keep her cool. "Eloise was here when I got the mail. That's it. I didn't mean to keep it from you but I didn't want to talk about it until I knew what I was going to do with it."

"And what, you couldn't have told me that?" Brittany argues, throwing her arms in the air like it's obvious. "Did you think I wouldn't understand? Or that I'd push you to do something you didn't want to do? Or is it just that Eloise gives so much better advice than I do?"

"What the fuck Brittany?" Santana shakes her head at that particular assertion, her own anger growing as her natural defences to being attacked kick in. "What does this even have to do with Eloise?"

Brittany just folds her arms across her chest and scoffs at that. "I think it's pretty obvious."

"No it's not fucking obvious because I'm asking. I know you don't like her but this has nothing to do with Eloise."

"Oh please. Everything you do has something to do with her lately."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"What the fuck do you think it means?" Brittany yells and Santana's mouth drops open, not used to hearing Brittany yell at her let alone swear. "She's _obviously_ into you. You spend all of your time together and you never stop talking about her and how much of a genius she is. You tell her things you don't tell me. Why don't you just date her, Santana, I'm sure she'd love that."

Santana almost wants to laugh but the ludicrousness of Brittany's accusations just makes her angrier.

"I can't believe this. Is that why you've been acting so weird? Why you were flirting with Amy last week? Because of some irrational jealousy?"

"Irrational?" Brittany spits out. "Obviously you haven't seen the way Eloise moons over you all the time. Even Rachel thought you two were a couple."

"Rachel's a fucking idiot!"

Santana runs her hand through her hair in frustration, taking a breath trying to calm herself a little.

"And it might have been nice of you to ask how I'm feeling about the letter by the way, instead of just attacking me."

She turns and takes a few steps into the lounge, needing some air, her back to her still fuming girlfriend.

"First you don't even want to _tell me_ about the letter but now you're upset that I didn't ask if you're okay. Which is it Santana because you can't have both. But you know what, why don't you just call Eloise and she can comfort you. Since I'm obviously such a terrible girlfriend."

"Oh come on," Santana turns to face Brittany again. "I can't believe we're even fighting about this. Half the reason I didn't say anything was because of the way you've been acting lately."

"So it's my fault now?"

"That's not what I meant," Santana exhales in frustration.

"No I think that's exactly what you meant."

Brittany walks around the bench and picks up her bag again.

"So I'll leave you alone since everything is my fault."

Santana feels something in her stomach drop at the thought of Brittany leaving. Maybe it's because of all the shit about her mum that the envelope has brought up but she doesn't want Brittany to leave her right now.

"Britt, don't just leave," she calls out as Brittany makes her way to the door but it comes out a lot harsher than she'd intended.

The blonde stop and turns, obviously still angry but a little more controlled now. "I think we both need some space. I'll stay the night at Kristin's."

"Britt," Santana tries again, "we need to talk about this."

But Brittany doesn't say another word before walking right out of the apartment.

.

Santana just stands there staring at the door for a few minutes, her brain trying to catch up with what just happened.

She's furious with Brittany for making bullshit accusations and then leaving without giving her a chance to defend herself but her anger is tempered somewhat by the despair she feels in her gut about Brittany walking out on her. She absolutely hates that feeling and it rattles her down to her core.

This isn't how it's supposed to work. This isn't how _they_ are supposed to work. She's never seen Brittany this mad, never seen her blow up at her for no reason like this. Practically accuse Santana of cheating on her and then not even give them a chance to talk it out, running off instead.

She starts to pace up and down the apartment, getting angrier the more she thinks about what happened.

She didn't fucking do anything wrong. She's done a lot of stupid shit in their relationship that she has taken responsibility for but she hasn't done anything wrong here. Eloise is just her friend and that's it. She's never even been flirtatious with her for fuck's sake. Eloise wouldn't have even known about the envelope if she hadn't been there when Santana got it. It's not like Santana ran out and told her about it, which she would have told Brittany if she'd given her a fucking chance to. She knows both she and Brittany have been struggling with their busy schedules and maybe they have been neglecting each other, but Santana doesn't see how she's done anything to warrant the kind of anger Brittany was aiming at her.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket she scrolls through her contacts, needing someone to vent to before she drives herself crazy. She tries Puck and curses when she gets his voicemail. Her second thought is to try calling Quinn but she can't even focus enough to figure out what the time would be in Australia. Plus, Quinn is first and foremost Brittany's best friend.

She scrolls back up to Eloise's name and feels guilty for even considering it after what Brittany just accused her of.

Then she feels angry again because, fuck it. She hasn't done anything wrong. Eloise is her friend and she'll fucking talk to her if she wants to.

.

"And then she just fucking walked out," Santana says bitterly before polishing off her third glass of wine and depositing it back on the coffee table in front of her on the couch.

She glances over to her friend who is sitting on the chair opposite her looking at a loss for words.

"I mean she went totally fucking crazy and left before I could even say anything. It's ridiculous! The whole fight was fucking ridiculous and then she just fucking walked out."

She leans forward to pour herself another glass of wine. She knows she's ranting and Eloise has barely gotten a word in, but fuck, that's what her friend is here for.

Although apparently she's also here to stop Santana getting drunk, the other girl grabbing the bottle right out of Santana's hand and placing it out of her reach.

"I just don't think getting wasted and being all kinds of hangover is going to help when you talk to Brittany tomorrow," Eloise says in answer to Santana's questioning glare. "Plus, you need to keep the few working brain cells you still have."

"Fucking hell what are you, Captain Sobriety all of a sudden? This is your fucking fault too let's not forget," she accuses, pointing her finger at her friend. "Running out to find Brittany to tell her about the letter. Like you couldn't have kept it to your fucking self."

"Oh bullshit, don't even try to blame me for this, Santana. I was worried about you because I saw your face when you got that letter and then you were ignoring my texts. How the fuck was I supposed to know you hadn't told your girlfriend about it. It's not my fault you made a shitty decision."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you."

Santana huffs out a breath and slouches back in her seat.

So maybe yelling at the person who is supposed to be on her side isn't really the smartest idea. Besides, in the back of her slightly foggy mind she knows that this isn't Eloise's fault.

She tips her head back and stares up at the ceiling, filled with impotent rage.

"I just don't fucking understand what's happening. Brittany has been acting distant for weeks and I have no idea why."

Eloise chews that over for a minute. "Have you asked her about it?"

Santana opens her mouth to say yes but then stops herself when she realises that she hasn't actually ask Brittany about it. Not really.

"Well maybe not but it's not like she said anything to me about it. If she had a problem she could have fucking talked to me about it before she blew up at me."

Eloise nods her head in agreement and Santana feels a little bit vindicated on at least one thing.

"And this whole jealousy thing is fucking absurd. I mean I know we spend a lot of time together but most of that is for the research project. And we're _friends_." Santana throws her hands up in the air helplessly. "I mean all her bullshit about you being into me…it's ridiculous. It's like she's turned into a fucking crazy person."

Santana's once again expecting agreement from her friend so when she's met with nothing but silence for a long moment she narrows her eyes. Eloise has a conflicted expression on her face and Santana might be half-drunk be she's sober enough to know that something isn't right, her stomach knotting with anxiety suddenly.

"It is crazy, right? Brittany thinking you have a crush on me?"

She can barely get the words out, too scared of the answer, the idea that her friend might fancy her something she doesn't really want to think about.

Eloise reaches down to grab the wine bottle next to her chair and brings it to her lips, taking a few long sips while Santana watches on wide eyed and confused.

"I'm only fucking telling you this so that you don't think your girlfriend is completely batshit, okay?"

"Telling me what?"

She watches Eloise take a deep breath.

"That Brittany's not crazy for thinking I have a crush on you."

Santana feels her whole body still. Except for her mouth which gapes open. She wasn't fucking prepared for that and feels like the wind has been knocked out of her.

"You…you like me?"

"Unfortunately."

She blinks, completely in shock. She feels like she's landed in a parallel universe where nothing is what she thought it was. Or maybe more like when she got her first pair of glasses. Like seeing things clearly for the first time.

"But…you had a boyfriend. You date boys."

She protests uncertainly, trying to make sense of it all, recalling the stories she'd been told about Eloise's ex-boyfriend and all the times they've been out when Eloise has flirted with boys. Although when she thinks about it her friend is more often than not rejecting the boys who approach her when they go out, preferring instead to talk to or dance with Santana. Just like she did the night they went out for karaoke last month. Like she did at that party where she pretended to be Santana's girlfriend to get Berry to back off. When Brittany saw her with her arms around Santana.

Shit.

Eloise rolls her eyes. "Just because I've dated boys doesn't mean I don't like girls too."

Of course it doesn't. Santana knows that. It just never occurred to her that Eloise might. She never mentioned it. Not that her friend had to it's just…this revelation has completely thrown her.

She quickly thinks back over their friendship thinking if she ever felt any warning bells that Eloise liked her more than a friend but comes up empty. Or maybe she just missed them because she wasn't looking for them, like the thing with Eloise never flirting with guys around her, always rebuffing the guys Santana tried to chat up for her. Or maybe how Santana would sometimes catch her friend staring at her but dismiss it as Eloise being weird because she's a weirdo. Shit.

"You _like_ me?"

Eloise takes another long swig from the bottle. "Well right now I don't."

"You like me."

Santana knows she sounds like a fucking parrot, repeating the same thing over and over. She's just having a little trouble processing all of this. Brittany wasn't being fucking crazy. Brittany has been jealous maybe this whole time and hasn't said anything. No wonder Santana always felt like Brittany didn't like Eloise. No wonder she would shut down when Santana mentioned Eloise or talked to her on the phone.

"Are you going to keep saying the same thing? Look, you were never supposed to know, okay? I know Brittany is totally the love of your life and I like being your friend and we have to work together so I didn't want to make it weird. It's just a stupid crush anyway. I just didn't want you making Brittany think she was crazy for suspecting something, okay? I'm trying to be a good friend."

Santana nods, acknowledging the truth of her friend's words. She leans back in her seat again and takes a couple of deep breaths. This is all too much.

They sit in tense silence for a few minutes, Santana lost in her own thoughts.

"Do you want me to go?" Eloise asks finally.

Santana looks at her friend and can see how dejected she looks, her face fallen and shoulders down, like she's done something wrong.

"Shit, no. I just…thank you for telling me, I guess. It's just…" she waves her hand in the air between them, "…weird."

"Yeah. I made it weird."

Santana can't help but give a small smile at that. "You kinda did," she says teasingly.

"Hey I'm trying to help you fix shit with your girl here."

Santana gives her friend a thankful smile and feels the tension lift a little. She holds her hand out and gestures to the wine bottle which Eloise hands over easily this time. This is definitely deserving of another drink.

"So, like, what now? Are we not going to be friends or something?"

Santana takes a swig from the bottle. "No…I mean, I don't know. I just…I have to talk to Britt, yeah?"

"Yeah," Eloise nods understandingly. "I hope you know that I would never do anything to–"

"I know," Santana smiles reassuringly. One thing she knows for sure is that Eloise has never hit on her or acted inappropriately. She believes that her friend would never try to sabotage her relationship with Brittany.

They sit in a much more comfortable silence this time, Santana staring at the coffee table once again lost in thought, replaying her argument with Brittany over and over again, seeing things from this new perspective.

She snaps out of it a little when Eloise stands and tells her she's going to the bathroom and Santana glances over to the clock and sees that it's later than she thought, creeping into the early hours of the morning. No wonder she feels exhausted.

She rubs her face, determining to tell Eloise to go home and get some sleep once she's back from the bathroom. Santana knows that even though she's tired she's not going to get any rest tonight with Brittany gone but that that doesn't mean she has to keep her friend up too.

The sound of the front door opening jolts Santana's body wide awake though, her head snapping in that direction. She hadn't even heard it being unlocked but she just instinctively knows who it is, her chest swelling with emotion when her girlfriend walks in and closes the door behind her before dropping her bag on the floor.

Santana stands immediately and their eyes meet, the brunette's heart breaking when she takes in the frown on Brittany's face and her puffy from tears eyes. Part of her still wants to be pissed off at her girlfriend but she's just so relieved to see her.

"Hi," Brittany offers with a shaky voice, her brow furrowed with worry as if she's scared that Santana will reject it, but Santana just smiles.

"Hi."

Brittany shuffles a little further into the room, her eyes sweeping across it before landing back at Santana, but just as she opens her mouth to speak again Santana sees her gaze flick to the side of the room, the action matched by the sound of someone moving about.

Shit. Santana winces as she turns to see her friend walking back into the room. She knows she hasn't done anything wrong but Brittany coming home to find Eloise here isn't exactly the best look.

"Hey," Eloise greets Brittany cautiously.

Brittany offers a small smile in reply and Santana is thankful when her friend announces that she's leaving.

"No need to walk me out," Eloise adds as she gathers her bag, the two other girls watching silently.

"Get home safe," Santana finally says as her friend makes her way to the door. "And thanks."

Eloise gives her a final nod goodbye before closing the door behind her.

Santana takes a deep breath, her eyes shifting back to Brittany standing in front of her.

"You came back."

Brittany's eyes widen at her words and propel her forward a couple of steps. "Of course I came back. I should have never walked out like that in the first place, San. I'm so sorry."

Santana nods in acceptance but Brittany steps forward again so that they're barely a foot apart, her hand reaching out to grab one of Santana's as blue eyes bore into brown.

"No really, I shouldn't have left like that. Especially when I knew you were upset about that letter from your mum. When we first got together I promised that I would never leave you and I broke that promise. I'm so sorry."

She sounds so broken and sincere and Santana bites her lip as an overwhelming wave of emotion swells inside her and threatens tears. She manages to hold them back, soothed by Brittany's thumb rubbing circles on the back of her hand.

The blonde glances at the couch and then takes a seat, pulling Santana down to sit with her but still leaving some space between them.

"I have to apologise for a lot of things," she continues, glancing down at their still joined hands. "Quinn talked some sense into me. Helped me realise that I've been unfair to you. I've been…blaming you for things that aren't your fault. Or taking things out on you when you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry."

Santana squeezes Brittany's hand reassuringly, accepting the apology but now wondering what has been going on, what has Brittany been keeping from her?

"Britt, what's been going on with you?"

The blonde looks away, an almost shameful expression on her face and Santana holds her breath, a weight settling in the pit of her stomach as she immediately thinks the worst.

"It's just," Brittany's voice cracks with tears. "I'm failing almost all of my classes."

Santana takes a deep breath and feels so relieved that she almost laughs just to expel the tension in her body. She'd been afraid the news would be much worse and she's so thankful that it's not. But the way Brittany is biting her lip trying not to cry still makes her heart ache and she realises that there's more to this than Brittany failing her classes.

"Britt," she whispers gently. "Why didn't you tell me?"

It's not an accusation, although she does feel a little hurt that Brittany kept it from her, but more than anything she needs to know why.

"I was just _so_ embarrassed," the blonde answers, lifting her hands to press the heels of them into her eyes and Santana's heart drops, hating that Brittany feels the need to hide from her. "You're so smart and you're doing so well at school. You've got this research project. All of your friends are smart like you and I'm just…"

"Hey," Santana grabs Brittany's hands and pulls them away gently so that she can look in her eyes. "Hey don't even finish that sentence." She cradles Brittany's face and wipes tears away with her thumb. "You, Brittany Susan Pierce, are the smartest person I've ever met."

Santana says it with absolute sincerity but Brittany scoffs and shakes her head, pulling away so Santana's hands drop back into her lap.

"A smart person doesn't fail their classes, San."

"It's not just about grades."

"It _is_ though," Brittany says more forcefully. "I know I was wrong to say all those things about Eloise before but do you know what it's like to hear you constantly talk about how smart she is when I always feel so stupid?"

Santana's brow furrows as she thinks back to their argument when Brittany accused her of always talking about what a genius Eloise is. She honestly never gave it a second thought when she said those things and it was purely because her friend being smart made her life easier. She never thought about how Brittany would feel about it.

"Britt I never meant to make you feel that way," she tells her, eyes imploring Brittany to believe her. "_Never_ for one second have I _ever_ thought you were stupid and just because Eloise knows a lot about science doesn't mean she's any smarter than you." Brittany rolls her eyes but Santana doesn't give up. "I'm serious Britt. Maybe I haven't made you believe it lately but I don't tell you I think you're the smartest person I've ever met just to make you feel better. I honestly mean it."

The blonde's eyes soften and Santana can see that she's getting through to her.

"I say it because you know how to read people better than anyone I've ever met. You know what they're feeling or what they want or what they're hiding and you know how to make them feel comfortable enough to tell you. You know how to say the right thing to make someone smile, to feel appreciated. You remember every waiter or barista's name because you want them to feel respected. You know how to move and control your body in ways other people can't even imagine and that's not by accident, Britt. You've worked your ass off for years for that. You just learn better by experiencing things instead of reading them. And you see life in a way that most people don't. You care about things that most people dismiss like being kind and generous and thoughtful. There are plenty of people who live a whole lifetime and never learn those things. You know how to love more openly and honestly and unconditionally than anyone I've ever met and as far as I'm concerned that makes you the smartest person on this earth."

Santana gives her an encouraging smile and feels her heart lift a little when Brittany's lips curl up just the slightest bit.

"I'm sorry I just…" the blonde trails off, her smile falling again. "I don't know what I'm doing, San. I don't know what I want. My whole life I was going to be a dancer and now I'm not and I don't know who I'm supposed to be. I don't…" her eyes dart around in frustration, "I thought I'd found the answer but I don't think I have and it's scary. And then it felt like you never had time for me and I got even more scared. And I got jealous of Eloise. You know exactly what you want and how to get it but I don't and what if you leave me behind? What if you find someone who can keep up with you?"

Brittany's lip quivers with emotion and she's looking at Santana so desperately that the brunette doesn't think twice before wrapping her hand around the back of Brittany's neck and pulling her closer, smashing their lips together in a bruising and passionate kiss. She pulls herself as close to the blonde as possible, the chests pressed together while arms cling to each other desperately.

They kiss until the need for air becomes too great and then break apart, both girls panting as Santana leans back just enough to look Brittany in the eye.

"_You_ are what I want," she says with all the conviction in her body. "It doesn't matter to me if you're dancing or writing articles or selling flowers or making macaroni art or if you decide you want to be a fire fighter. Whatever you want as long as you're happy, Britt. I just want you to find what makes you happy. I _need_ you to know that." She knows she sounds desperate but she needs Brittany to hear her. "I need you to know how much I love you."

Brittany stares into her eyes for a second before she nods her acknowledgment, fighting back tears as Santana's emotions finally overwhelm her are sliding down her cheeks as she thrusts forward and kisses Brittany again, this time not as forceful but just as passionate as the last.

Santana hates that she didn't notice something was wrong with Brittany until it was too late and she hates that Brittany didn't feel like she could talk to her about it. Now that she knows what Brittany has been thinking she can see that her girlfriend pulled away which made Santana pull away too, to the point that neither of them were confronting what was really going on until Brittany just blew up. She knows she and Brittany have a lot more to talk about, a lot more to keep talking about, like the letter from Santana's mum and Eloise's confession, but for tonight all she needs to know is that they love each other and that they are going to be okay.

That's enough for right now.

.

.

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><p><strong>So thanks for reading :) <strong>

**What's in the envelope from Santana's mum? And what will happen with Eloise? Well…that's for the next chapter :P I'd love to hear your ideas though. Hit me up in a review or on tumblr! (link in my profile)**

**I really wanted to explore this career/life indecision and expectation with Brittany because this is something I have struggled with a lot in my twenties and it's something I feel like a lot of people experience but not enough people talk about. In my experience being surrounded by people who know what direction they're heading can make you feel incredibly left out or like you're being left behind and that can affect your relationships a lot. So anyway…I wanted to touch on that. **

**Oh, and Glee might be trying to destroy Brittana but they can go fuck themselves if they think that I'm going to forget about Brittana like they seem to have ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thank you for all your reviews and alerts and asks on tumblr. It helps keep me motivated to know that people care about this story. I hope some of you still do :)**

**I feel like this one is a little bit different from the other chapters in style. Hopefully in a good way. It's definitely more of a snapshot of their lives at this time, (with a bit less drama!). **

**(Sidenote: as an Australian, thinking about a school year bridging over two different years is weird and keeps confusing me and I don't like it. I'm so glad we have summer at the end of the year and not in the middle of it!)**

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><p><strong>.<strong>

**.**

Santana Lopez never used to think about her future. She never thought she'd have one, so there was no point. From the time she was barely a teenager she'd resigned herself to having the same shitty life stuck in Lima heights with some shitty job in a shitty apartment. There wasn't any light at the end of the tunnel, a lesson she'd learned early in life. That was until Brittany came into her life and showed Santana that anything was possible. Even something like someone as amazing as Brittany falling in love with her. When she was a teenager Santana tried not to even dream about the life she has now. Even now sometimes she can't believe it. She got herself into school, she got the girl, she's made a family of her friends and none of it was easy but it's hers, and she loves it.

She never thought this would be her future. But she's so thankful that it is. For all of its constant challenges she loves her life now, but it's her future that is once again troubling her. Especially the question of med school hanging over her head. It's making her worry about things that didn't concern her before. Made her aware of the people in her life and where their lives are heading. So many things could change and she's never been good with change. It makes her feel off-balance.

Kind of like right now.

Because as much as her life has changed she honestly never thought she'd again see the day when Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray were anything resembling friends. Or that she would want to be friends with either of them in such an unlikely event. And yet here she is, sitting in her apartment in New York, watching the two of them talking like old friends. Which she guesses they are in some ways. It's a world away from anything she could have imagined as a teenager…and it's pretty fucking bizarre. She feels like she's crossed over into some kind of twilight zone.

Or maybe that's the buzz from the wine talking.

Searching for some normalcy she glances around the room and spots her girlfriend in their kitchen with some of her friends from work, the blonde shooting her a wink when she notices her looking and Santana smiles, glad to see that Brittany looks like she's enjoying her birthday party. And she looks fucking adorable in her party hat.

"You and Brittany will be coming to see my show on Wednesday night, right Santana? I was just telling Quinn about it."

The brunette pulls her attention back to the two girls in front of her. "It's not _your_ show, Berry. It's an open mic night."

Rachel huffs and rolls her eyes while Quinn snorts out a laugh next to her.

It's weird being friends or whatever she is with Rachel again, and it's a world away from the friendship they had when they were kids. Rachel just sort of inserted herself into Santana and Brittany's lives over the last six months and her persistence has paid off, Santana no longer having the heart to brush her off. Brittany thinks that Rachel is lonely, and while Santana can certainly understand why people want to keep their distance from the loquacious woman, she can also see how much Rachel has changed and the genuine effort she's putting into being a good person and friend. So while Santana isn't about to count Rachel Berry as one of her best friends, she'll let the title of _friend_ stay for now. And Brittany really loves going to open mic nights.

"But yeah sure, Britt and I will be there to heckle you."

Rachel grins and claps excitedly. Santana looks at Quinn.

"You coming too Fabray? Your ears should have to suffer too."

"Actually…" Quinn says somewhat shyly, "I have a date that night."

"Please don't tell me it's that old dude from your building," Santana tells her, scrunching her face in disgust, "he's creepy and no matter what you keep saying he is not hot. And he's like _forty_."

Rachel's eyes widen. Quinn just scoffs.

"He's like thirty-four," the blonde corrects her and Santana rolls her eyes, "but no, it's not with Scott. It's someone from my photography course. Layla."

Santana quirks an eyebrow. "I'm sorry did you say _Layla_? As in a girl's name Layla. As in Layla is a girl. As in you're going on a date with a girl?"

"Wow your powers of deduction are really impressive."

Santana's kind of surprised but not really. She knows Quinn has hooked up with girls before but she sees an opportunity to tease her friend and of course she's going to take it.

"When did you cross over to the dark side Fabray? Did you spend a lot of time going down under while you were Down Under? Did you explore some native bush?"

Santana smiles smugly, thinking she is oh-so-clever, while Quinn just shakes her head with a stern expression. Although Santana can see a smile trying to break out.

"I knew it!" Rachel announces, looking quite pleased with herself before turning to Quinn and placing her hand on the other girls forearm reassuringly. "Congratulations Quinn. I want you to know that I am your friend and ally," she says raising her voice a little and glancing at the people around them. "You can embrace your homosexuality and live proudly around me."

"Oh shut up the both of you," Quinn tells them and Santana barks out a laugh, pleased she's gotten a rise out of her friend. "It's just a date Santana, I'm not taking out a membership card with your club. And Rachel, I appreciate your support but this is Brittany's birthday party not my coming out party. It's just a date."

"Someone is sounding awfully defensive," Santana teases.

"Someone is going to get my fist in her face."

Before she can respond Santana feels a hand brush against the back of her neck and a second later her girlfriend is settling herself across her lap, both arms wrapped around her neck, her cardboard party hat sitting more than a little lopsided now.

"I don't know if you've heard but Quinn's gay now," Santana tells Brittany, her arms wrapping around her girlfriend's waist.

Brittany giggles and Santana can tell that she's a little drunk, her flushed cheeks and nose an easy giveaway.

"Quinn's just…sampling the menu in New York," Brittany says, tucking some hair behind Santana's ear. "Plus, Layla is really pretty."

"Oh really?"

Brittany nods and leans in, pressing kisses across Santana's cheeks. "Nowhere near as beautiful as my wonderful girlfriend though." And then finally their lips are connecting, in a kiss that is anything but decent, the two girls openly groping each other.

"You know you guys can't have sex in front of all these people right?"

-x-

"So how was Brittany's birthday party?"

Santana glances up from her notes and takes off her glasses. "It was great. Britt had a really good time and was totally surprised. She had no idea it was happening. And she loved the new video camera I got her."

She smiles when she thinks about the shocked and then joyous look on her girlfriend's face, the way Brittany practically jumped on her in an excited hug, and then the thank you sex in the early hours of that morning when their guests had gone home. She's feeling like a pretty great girlfriend lately.

"I'm bummed I missed it," Eloise tells her.

"It's cool. You guys had that trip planned for a while. How are things with Madison anyways?"

The other girl sighs dreamily. "Perfect. I mean she drives me crazy. And her work schedule is insane. But it's perfect."

The smile spreading across Eloise's face grows as she speaks and Santana smiles too, happy for her friend. She's glad that her friendship with Eloise is on a bit more solid ground these days too.

Things had been weird after that night when Eloise told Santana she had a crush on her. Neither of them wanted it to be weird, but Santana thinks now that maybe it had to be. Knowing that Eloise had feelings for her changed things, even in small ways, although Santana knows some of it was for the best. She was just so much more aware of things she'd maybe been neglecting, especially Brittany's feelings, and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes she made before. In their efforts to lay it all out on the table the morning after their big fight Santana had told Brittany about Eloise admitting her crush on her. Brittany wasn't happy about it but she felt a little vindicated. She didn't put any pressure on Santana to end the friendship or distance herself from Eloise though, and Santana appreciated Brittany reassuring her trust in her. They worked hard being honest with each other and working through stuff and came out of it better than ever.

It wasn't so smooth with Eloise though. Their friendship had naturally taken a backseat with Santana wanting to focus on her relationship more and she felt like Eloise was keeping her distance too. After their research project ended they saw less of each other, mostly confined to their study dates, and things were a little awkward. Like the boundaries of their friendship had been shifted and neither of them knew how to act around the other. Their conversations became a lot more superficial. Then Eloise met Madison and their time together became even scarcer. But it's been three or so months since then and things are getting back to normal. Santana's not exactly sure what changed, maybe they just needed time, but it's good to have their friendship back.

"I can't believe you're dating a model. I mean know this city is flooded with them but you never actually meet any. Plus, I thought they only dated rich old guys or filthy hipsters," Santana teases. "Oh wait, you are a filthy hipster."

"Hey, I embrace my hipster greatness. And I have excellent hygiene thank you very much." Eloise sighs and slaps closed her book. "I'm so over this shit."

"Only a few months left."

"Yeah, but then it starts all over again," the other girl laments. "Have you decided where you're applying for med school?"

Santana shifts in her chair. This isn't her favourite subject and whenever she thinks about it she can't help spiralling into despair contemplating the worst possible outcomes. "I haven't finalised anything yet but I want to stay in the city. My life is here now and so is Britt's. I can't imagine leaving…but I guess I might have to."

Santana thinks about the conversations she and Brittany have had about the potential of Santana being accepted to a school in another city. Since they began talking about it Brittany has always said that she will go with Santana wherever she gets accepted, which Santana appreciates and loves her for so fucking much, but she hates the thought of taking Brittany away from her life, her work and her friends. Just the thought of all the possibilities makes her stomach knot.

"I have to get accepted first. Not that you have to worry about that, Miss Never-Met-A-Scholarship-I-Didn't-Get."

Eloise preens. "That's right, I am amazing."

"Where are you thinking of going?"

Santana would love it if she and Eloise ended up at med school together, it's awesome having someone who challenges her like Eloise does, but she doesn't know how likely that is.

"Still not sure. I mean part of me wants to stay in New York because I've lived here my whole life. But then part of me wants to leave and experience someplace else, you know? Plus, some of those programs are awesome."

Santana nods in understanding and Eloise is right – there are far better programs in other parts of the country. But the ones in New York are still good. And she's never much liked change. Even though most of the change in her life the last few years has been great, there's always the potential for something to go wrong. She's gotten better at looking at the bright side of things thanks to Brittany's influence but some of her youthful pessimism still remains. She's just gotten Quinn back from halfway round the world. She doesn't want to lose Eloise.

"Yeah. We've still got time to decide."

-x-

"So how was your lady date with _Layla_?" Santana draws out the name teasingly, raising her voice to be heard over the music in the bar.

Quinn tries not to smile. "Is that what you call it when you and Britt go out? A _lady date_?"

"She actually does," Brittany answers with a grin at Santana and the brunette blushes a little.

"The date was okay. We kind of ran out of things to talk about though. I thought we would've clicked more than we did."

Brittany pats Quinn's arm consolingly and Santana can see that her friend is disappointed. She's had a bit of a hard time finding someone to connect with in the four months since she's been in New York.

"That sucks, Fabray. But obviously that means she's super lame and you're better off anyway."

Their conversation is cut short by a guy walking on stage to the microphone and introducing the first musician. Brittany's hand on Santana's thigh squeezes a little tighter and she bops in her seat in excitement. Santana smiles goofily at her, completely charmed by everything Brittany. Rachel's dragged them along to yet another open mic night just two days after the last one. Santana does not understand why Brittany loves them so much but that is the only reason she is there…it's certainly not to the talent on show.

Like this Damien Rice-wannabe on stage right now. It sounds like his guitar is even more out of tune than his voice. Thankfully he's not that loud.

"So have you decided if you're going back to Yale?" Santana asks halfway through the song once she's gotten bored, turning back to Quinn. "You deferred for a year right? Or do you want to stay in the city?"

Quinn swallows a sip of her beer and shrugs. "Not sure yet. I still have like six months until I have to decide…but I'm really enjoying being in New York."

"Maybe you could transfer to a school here?"

Santana tries not to show how keen she is for that to happen, but she is. She would love for Quinn to move to New York permanently. She would love for them to all stay in New York. She doesn't want anyone to leave and she doesn't want to leave.

Quinn smiles. "I've been thinking about it and it's definitely a possibility. But then you'd be dragging me to places like this all the time."

The warm hand leaves Santana's thigh as Brittany starts clapping, much louder than the muted applause around the rest of the bar.

"He wasn't very good but I appreciate his effort," Brittany tells them and Santana leans over to give her lots of quick kiss on the cheek.

"Keep it in your pants, Lopez. So how's work going Britt?"

Santana slides her hand under Brittany's to hold it on the table, sitting back in the booth and watching her girlfriend's face light up as she tells Quinn all about her week at work and it warms her belly to see Brittany so happy and passionate about it. Especially considering how she felt about school last year. She had stuck out the year but she was miserable, and at the end of it she'd decided to drop out and get a job. It was a big decision, one they'd talked out together and that Brittany had put a lot of thought into. Brittany's parents were not at all happy with it, especially her dad, and it's put a new strain on her relationship with them as they refuse to support her emotionally or financially. Although they don't really need to financially anymore now that Brittany is working. Still, Santana knows it affects Brittany that her parents are disapproving.

Santana was really worried too at first. She knows what the employment statistics are for people who don't have a university degree. She knows the public perceptions about them too. But she also knows that Brittany was miserable last year and now she's not. Now she's working at a day care during the week and teaching dance classes for kids and teenagers afterschool a few of those days and Santana can't remember her being so happy and fulfilled. Who gives a fuck about a university degree if Brittany is happy without one.

"Ooh, I'm going to run to the bathroom before the next performer starts," Brittany tells them before sliding out of the booth and walking across the bar.

Santana watches her go, marvelling at her girlfriend's damn fine ass but Quinn's voice brings her attention back.

"I never would have thought of Brittany working with little kids…but it fits her perfectly. She like, lights up when she talks about those kids."

Santana feels that warm feeling in her belly again, thinking back to how easily Brittany bonded with Anita and how well kids take to her. She's a natural with them.

"Oh yeah, she loves those little fuckers. And she's so great with them. She's always trying to think of new ways to engage them and researching techniques on the internet. There's always some new art or craft project. We have so many finger paintings up on our fridge. And the kids just love her. She's such a natural with them."

"Jeez Lopez. Soon you'll be knocking her up and you'll have your own little monsters running around."

"Well ideally I'd want to at least be a resident when that happens," Santana answers seriously. "And Britt and I would be married by then hopefully. Of course that means I have to get into med school first." Santana feels that swirl of anxiety in her stomach that she gets when she thinks about her not-too-distant future.

"Wow," Quinn breathes out, her face softening. "Listen to you. Talking about having babies and getting married. Who would've thought?"

Santana ducks her head a little. "Yeah yeah I know. Lima Heights Santana Lopez gone all soft and shit."

"No no, it's nice. God, I think about how fucked up and miserable we both we back in high school. It's nice to see you so happy."

Santana glances up and they share a smile. When she first met Quinn all those years ago she could have never predicted they would end up here. Friends. Best friends even. Quinn still looks much the same as she did when they finished high school, her short choppy hair has blue streaks in it now and maybe the angles of her face are a little sharper, but Santana can see how much she's grown.

Their tender moment is interrupted by Brittany sliding back into the booth.

"What did I miss?"

"Santana here went full homo and was blubbering on about you having her babies.

The brunette feels her cheeks flush a little. Brittany leans into her side and presses a chaste kiss to her lips.

"We're going to make the cutest tiny humans."

Santana feels her whole body buzz at the words. Yeah, so maybe the future is not that scary.

-x-

When her last afternoon class is cancelled Santana takes the opportunity to head over to the dance studio where Brittany teaches afterschool. She loves watching her girlfriend interacting with the kids, she's got the six and seven year olds today, and she knows Brittany gets a kick out of her being there too.

She slips into the studio and immediately catches Brittany's eye, smiles spreading across both of their faces, before moving along the side of the room where some chairs are set up for some of the parents who watch the classes. Santana drops her bag down next to her and settles into her seat, her eyes immediately finding her girlfriend again and her chest inflates with too many emotions at the sight of Brittany crouching down in front of one of the little girls. It looks like she's giving her some sort of encouragement with a soft smile on her face and a comforting hand on her shoulder. Then Brittany is standing back up and demonstrating the move again for the girl who copies it, an excited grin and a few little bops up and down following when she gets it right. Brittany's smile is so big and when she holds her hand a bit lower to high-five the little girl Santana's heart just melts. She doesn't know when she became so lame. She doesn't know when she started wanting things she's never wanted before, but she suspects none of it would have happened without Brittany. And maybe it's about growing up and dreaming new dreams. And maybe it's about being brave enough to want the things you've always told yourself you never wanted because you were too scared to want them. She knows they're still too young and nowhere near ready for it in so many ways, especially financially. Having a kid costs a lot of money, and having a kid without a penis directly involved costs a lot more money, but the dream is there. It's something that they both want and something they're working towards, and it's those thoughts that keep Santana from plummeting over the edge when she thinks about where she'll be next year. It's about the big picture.

When the class is over the kids rush to their parents and Brittany gets swept up in everyone waving goodbye and parents thanking her. Santana notices a little boy sitting on a seat further down from her, his parents obviously not there yet. When Brittany turns around she notices him too, her eyes flicking to the clock on the wall and back again.

"Hey Christopher. Looks like your parents are running a little late today. You wanna put on some Nicki Minaj and dance with me?"

The boy grins, nodding his head vigorously and Brittany skips over to the sound system to change the CD. Santana watches them do a little routine and then just goof around and she's hit with a pang of nostalgia. Memories of all those afternoons and evenings she spent watching Brittany and Anita dance in Lima Heights flood back to her. She really misses those carefree days, (at least in hindsight they feel carefree), and she misses Anita.

The boy's parents rush in about ten minutes later and once they're gone Brittany saunters over to Santana, pushing the brunette's shoulder to lean back so she can straddle her legs. Santana's hands slip under Brittany's loose dance top and rest on the warm skin of her lower back. Brittany leans in until their lips meet and Santana smiles into the kiss, relaxing completely. No matter where she is Brittany always feels like home.

After a bit of a make-out Brittany pulls away, one of her hands leaving Santana's neck to tuck some of her hair back behind her ear.

"Did you skip classes just to ogle me in my dance clothes?"

Santana smiles at the blonde's gentle teasing and shakes her head. "Class was cancelled so I thought I'd come up here to see my best girl."

"Your _only_ girl," Brittany corrects her before leaning in for more short kisses. "No more talking," her lips brush against Santana's as she speaks, "I have another class in a half hour and I need some sugar."

-x-

Later that night Santana's washing the dishes while Brittany dries, the blonde telling her all about her day since they didn't talk all that much when Santana visited her at work. Brittany's job of drying the dishes is kind of unnecessary and they could easily just leave them to dry in the rack but it's one of their little domestic routines that they both love so much, one of the things that fell by the wayside last year when things unravelled a little.

"I want a kitten."

Santana's head pops up and she frowns, unsure that she heard that right. "Say what now?"

She puts down the glass in her hands and wipes them on the towel hanging over her shoulder, turning to Brittany who's biting her lip nervously.

"I think we should get a kitty."

Santana's still a little thrown. "A kitty? Like a cat?"

"Yup. A cat."

Brittany looks so hopeful and excited but Santana can only feel terror at the idea. Having a pet means taking care it. Remembering to feed it and making sure it has water and no fleas and a place to poop and a lot of other things. She can barely take care of herself. Yeah, she wants kids, but that's when she's like thirty and a proper adult. When she's not eating cereal for dinner at least once a week and can take the subway just once without swearing at someone and stops freaking out when she has to make appointments for herself. She's not sure she's ready for any extra responsibility.

"But we'd have to look after it," she blurts out stupidly.

Brittany's eyes soften and Santana can just tell that her girlfriend knows exactly why she's freaking out about this. Brittany always knows.

The blonde takes a step closer and rests her hip against the bench. "And you're so good at taking care of people. You took care of Anita a lot when you were just a teenager. And April sometimes. And you take care of me."

"We take care of each other," Santana corrects her gently, running her hand down Brittany's arm and then linking their fingers. Brittany always makes sure she has breakfast because she so often forgets in her grumpy morning rush, and even though sometimes she forgets things like milk, Brittany is the one who always remembers to buy things like toilet paper and dishwashing liquid, and every night Brittany kisses her when she comes home and tells her she loves her.

The blonde squeezes Santana's hand and one side of her lips quirk up. "We'd be excellent kitten owners."

"Look how things turned out with David Hasselhoff," Santana reminds her about the poor goldfish they'd had last year. The goldfish that died mysteriously after four months.

Brittany's eyebrows draw together in sadness. She was pretty devastated about his death. "I'm still convinced it was a congenital disorder that the pet store didn't pick up."

"What about if we have to move next year?"

Brittany shrugs easily. "We'll take him with us."

"Him?"

"Or her. But just think about how great having a little kitty-cat will be. "

Santana smiles at her girlfriend's enthusiasm and leans in to kiss her, feeling her own body relax. She'll need to get used to the idea a little more, but maybe watching Brittany play with their cat wouldn't be the worst thing.

-x-

She's mindlessly flipping through vinyl covers following her friend around the record store.

"Seriously Fabray you couldn't be more tragically hipster. You should really hang out with Eloise instead of dragging me to these dives in Brooklyn."

"Ah yes, the Eloise you didn't want me hanging out with," Quinn teases.

Santana rolls her eyes. "That was when you first got here and things were still weird with her and me. It's different now."

"So she's not in_ love_ with you anymore?"

Santana doesn't even need to look at her to know that Quinn is smirking at her.

"She was never in love with me, you dick. It was a crush. She's got a super hot, although kinda weird, girlfriend now."

"Well I'm glad you sorted out your shit, Lopez. When Brittany called me last year she was a mess over it."

Santana thinks back to that night, to the weeks before that night, and feels a painful tug in her heart. They were both a mess but Santana was mostly just confused. Brittany however was dealing with a lot, and keeping it to herself. That night had been rough and there had been lots of tears, lots of truths and lots of apologies, but they'd gotten through it and learned from it. That's what matters.

"I'm happy you two figured things out," Quinn tells her. "Purely for selfish reasons. Without you two I think I'd lose my faith in romance and love and all that Hollywood shit."

"Yeah because you don't seem cynical about it at all."

Santana feels her bag vibrating and reaches into it for her phone, smiling when she sees Anita's name on the screen. Santana holds her phone up to Quinn. "I'm just gonna take this outside."

"Hey there Midget!" she answers once she's outside the store and the weird banjo music they were playing.

"You can't call me that anymore Tana, I'm taller than you now."

Santana scrunches her nose because yes, it's true. Her not quite thirteen year old cousin is taller than her.

"You'll always be a midget to me." Her lips quirk up when she hears Anita giggling on the other end. "What you been up to, kid? You staying out of trouble?"

Her question sounds casual but her inquiry is serious. She always worries about her little cousin. She knows how easy it is to get caught up with the wrong crowd in Lima Heights and she doesn't want that happening to Anita. The kid has her older brother and Santana has made sure that Puck is looking out for her, as well as Mercedes, but she still worries. She wishes she could be around more.

Anita tells her all about how her basketball team is kicking ass – Santana sees a WNBA contract in her future, the kid is seriously talented – and then Santana tries to keep her interest when Anita tells her all about her friendship and boy dramas at school. She can't remember there being this much drama when she was that age…of course she was probably too busy hating everyone and trying not to make her leering at girls too obvious.

"Hey Tana?" Anita's voice is hesitant, drawing Santana's attention fully again.

"Yeah?"

"I miss you."

Santana's breath hitches a little and she closes her eyes, trying not to let her guilt overwhelm her. She hasn't been back to Lima in almost a year. She was supposed to go back over the holidays but she just couldn't go back there. Not with all the feelings that the arrival of her mum's letter had stirred up. She just wanted to escape it all.

"I miss you too, kid. I'm going to visit this summer. We can spend a lot of time together, yeah? So much time that you'll get sick of me."

"Okay."

Santana can hear the disappointment but also the hope in Anita's voice and it brings a small smile back to her lips.

-x-

That afternoon finds Santana sitting on the couch reading one of her textbooks while Brittany sits next to her editing her latest Fondue For Two episode on her laptop. But Santana's read the same page at least three times because she's still troubled by her conversation with Anita and all the emotions it's dragged up. Brittany notices, of course.

"You okay, baby? You've got your frowny face on and I know it's not from lunch because I totally rocked that stir fry."

The blonde grins and Santana appreciates her effort to lighten the mood.

"Best one you've made." Santana catches Brittany's eye and smiles, but it fades quickly as she bites her lip in thought. She closes her textbook and leans forward to dump it on the coffee table in front of her. "Anita called today."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, no," Santana answers, seeking to relieve Brittany's worry immediately. "She just said that she misses me and now I'm feeling guilty about not going back at Christmas. Then I was thinking about the whole letter thing…"

Brittany reaches for her hand and squeezes it while studying Santana's face. "What have you been thinking?"

"Everything," Santana breathes out, running her free hand over her face and through her hair. "I keep wondering if I made the right decision. Maybe I should have read it instead of throwing it away. Maybe there's something important in there. Although if there was you think she might try harder to contact me than sending one letter. Or maybe she thinks I didn't get it. Or I didn't care." Santana exhales a long breath and looks into her girlfriend's eyes almost pleadingly. She feels like she wants answers she's never going to get. Not since she threw that letter away. "Why do I care?"

Brittany's face frowns with concern and she lifts herself off the couch momentarily before sitting herself across the brunette's lap. A hand moves up to cup Santana's cheek and tanned hands instinctively settle on Brittany's hips.

"You care because you have a big heart. A bigger heart than you think you do. And because it still hurts you." The emotion swelling in her chest forces Santana's eyes away and Brittany's thumb brushes her cheek. "It's okay that it still hurts you."

"I thought I was over it."

"It's okay that you're not."

Santana sighs in frustration. "I _want_ to be though. I don't want to care about what was in that letter. I don't want to keep wondering about it." She leans forward and buries her face in Brittany's neck, the familiar smell comforting her as much as the hands trailing through her hair. "I wish I'd read it."

Santana surprises herself with the revelation and nuzzles further into Brittany, wanting to hide. She'd kept that fucking letter for almost two months, alternately hiding it and then spending days on end staring at it, but in a slightly drunken state she'd decided to rid it from her life and had thrown it away without so much as opening it. That had been over four months ago. Santana had hoped that it would be out of sight out of mind, that once it was gone from her life she'd be able to forget about it, but it's been playing on her thoughts more and more. Maybe the anxiety about her future is contributing to it, but for whatever reason she can't let it go. Not just the letter, but also the hope that there's more to the story of her early life than she knows. Things about why her mother abandoned her. She thought she had let it go, but there's a last flickering ember of hope whether she wants it or not.

"I have something to tell you but you might be mad."

Santana tenses and pulls herself away from Brittany so that she can see her face. "Okay," she draws out hesitantly. "What is it?"

Brittany exhales a deep breath and Santana can see that she's nervous, her forehead wrinkling and her eyes darting between Santana's. Panic instantly buzzes through her body.

"I kept the letter."

Santana sucks in a breath and the blonde rushes to explain.

"I saw how torn up you were about it and then that night when you decided to throw it away you were pretty drunk and I didn't know if you'd regret it or not so I snatched it out of the bin while you weren't looking. Before you took the trash out. I kept thinking about how you might want to read it one day. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. And I should have told you sooner."

Her girlfriend looks so worried and contrite and Santana just blinks at her, too many thoughts running through her mind before she finally settles on one.

"Did you open it?"

"No!" Brittany almost shouts. "No of course not. I would never do that."

Santana nods, not quite sure what to think or what she's even feeling.

Brittany moves to slide off her lap but the hands on her hips hold her in place. Santana wants to stay close to her and the look of relief on Brittany's face tells her that the blonde wants that too.

"Are you mad?"

"I don't…I don't know. I feel like maybe I should be? But…I'm not. I think I'm…relieved maybe?"

Brittany brushes her hand through dark hair and Santana welcomes her touch. Feels it calming her a little. She takes a deep breath and makes a decision.

"I think I want to read it."

Brown eyes lock with blue and see that Brittany understands what she's asking for, the blonde kissing her softly before lifting herself off Santana's lap. Santana misses her warmth but watches her walk into the kitchen to the cabinets along the wall above the sink, leaning up on her toes to feel around on top of them where there's nothing but a lot of dust. And the letter, evidently.

Brittany pulls it down and makes her way back to the couch with it in both hands, cradling it gently before offering it to Santana whose heart starts to race as soon as her eyes land on it. As soon as she realises that this is real.

She wants to reach out for it but she can't and as usual Brittany seems to understand without her saying so, taking a seat next to Santana on the couch and resting the letter on her lap, one of her now free hands taking hold of one of Santana's.

Santana takes deep breaths, questioning again if she really wants to do this. But she knows she does. She's known it for months. She tried to ignore it but it hasn't gone away. She needs to know what's inside. She just doesn't know if she can read it.

"Can you…" she starts nervously, gaze lifting from the letter to sympathetic and loving blue eyes. "Can you read it to me?"

Brittany's eyes widen just the slightest bit before squeezing Santana's hand. "Are you sure?"

Santana answers with a nod, her bottom lip worrying between her teeth.

Brittany takes a deep breath before shaky hands pick up the envelope again and turn it over. Santana feels her heartbeat racing as she watches her work her pinkie finger under the seal and open it carefully, then reach in and slide the letter out.

"Wait."

Santana reaches a hand out to cover Brittany's, halting her efforts to unfold the letter. The blonde glances up, her face etched with worry and Santana swallows thickly.

"I think I want to read it."

Brittany gives her a small smile and hands the letter to her. Santana feels it between her fingers and the knot of anxiety in her gut tightens even more. She feels her hopes rising no matter how much she doesn't want them too and she hates it because she knows, she knows deep down that this letter holds nothing good for her. How can it possibly make any of what happened better? How can it possibly fix her painful past? But there's always that stupid fucking hope.

She can feel Brittany's eyes on her as she unfolds the letter carefully, noting that there's only one page. When it's unfolded completely the paper is filled with her mother's handwriting and it's overwhelming to see, bringing back too many memories. Like when she was learning to write in kindergarten and her mother would help her practice. Or seeing shopping lists stuck to the fridge. Or noticing how much her own handwriting mirrors it.

She tries to shake off the memories and raises her eyes to her girlfriend's again for some final encouragement and to remind herself that no matter what this letter contains, she doesn't have to deal with it alone.

Her eyes scan the words and with each sentence she reads she's surprised to feel them meaning less and less. Like this letter was written to someone else. By someone she doesn't know.

Finally she reaches the end and takes a second to breathe and calm her racing heart before letting her hands and the letter fall to her lap. She glances up to patient blue eyes.

"She found out through some of her old friends in Lima Heights that I'm at university and wanted to tell me that she's proud of me," Santana tells Brittany, her voice devoid of emotion. She thought it would mean more to her than it does, as little as it would coming from a stranger, which is practically what her mother is. "She's living in Arizona. Married to some guy named Ray. They have two kids."

That last part hurts, of course it does. She's been replaced, like she never existed, and the thought of it hurts.

But not as much as it did when she was twelve, crying herself to sleep every night waiting for her mother to come back. And not as much as it did when she was fourteen and got her period for the first time and didn't know who to talk to because she thought her aunt hated her. Not as much as it did when kids at school would tease her about being an orphan. Not as much as it did when she thought that she was alone in this world.

She lived through it though. She lived through it and look at what she has now. She has people who love her and have never abandoned her. People who are proud to know her. People she has proven wrong and gained the respect of like Mrs Pierce. People who aren't obliged by blood or law to love and support her but choose to like April.

And she has Brittany, whose love and loyalty and belief has never wavered.

"There's no return address so obviously she doesn't want me to contact her."

To her surprise Santana feels a lightness, almost like relief. But there's disappointment too. She realises that the mother she's been holding onto all these years doesn't exist. And maybe she never existed. At least not in the way that Santana's childhood memories recall her. And maybe she's never going to understand why her mother did what she did. And maybe part of her will always wonder. But reading this letter now Santana finally gets it. Finally realises that she was chasing a ghost. Holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore. Wanting answers she's never going to get. Answers that won't mean much in the end anyway. They won't change anything.

And it's surprisingly okay.

Brittany shuffles closer to her on the couch and wraps her up in a crushing hug. Santana can feel the love and concern and devotion and feels her body sink into it, her breathing slowing as her body centres itself again.

"She's not my family," she whispers in Brittany's ear. "You are."

.

.

* * *

><p><strong>Brittany sits on Santana's lap a lot in this chapter…apparently it's a thing I like?<strong>

**So there you have it…one chapter left!**

**Thanks for reading and please leave a review if you feel like it!**


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